A Rose Bowl Line? Here’s a Lot of ‘Em

Things you should know about the Rose Bowl:

--The parade is usually better than the game.

--The Big Ten float usually chokes.

--The Rose Queen is never heard from again.

--You cannot turn on a television in California without seeing a commercial for the Rose Bowl parade.

--You will not see a television commercial during the Rose Bowl parade, because the producers would not want you to miss a good crash.

--You will not see any floats like the ones in “National Lampoon’s Animal House.”

--If you are robbed or attacked on a Pasadena street while watching the Rose Bowl parade, do not call out to the rifle drill squads for help, because they only know how to twirl those things, not shoot them.

--William (The Refrigerator) Perry will never be invited to ride on a Rose parade float, but he will be invited to be one.

--Do not sit on anybody’s shoulders to watch the parade unless you have first been introduced to them.

--Somewhere in Los Angeles there is a producer who wants to turn the parade into a mini-series starring Richard Chamberlain.

--The football game itself is always played between the champion of the Pac-10 conference and the champion of the Big Ten conference, one of which insists that “10” is a number and one of which insists that “Ten” is a word.

--In recent times, the outcome of the Rose Bowl game has had an impact of the national championship in much the same way that the invention of the microwave oven has had an impact on world hunger.

--The Rose Bowl game is not played on artificial grass. It is attended, however, by artificial fans.

--At some point on New Year’s Day, you will hear someone mention “The Granddaddy of Them All.” There is no such person.

--Michigan Coach Bo Schembechler will not be attending this year’s Rose Bowl game, so there is a very good chance that the officials will not be blamed for the final score.

--Big Ten teams traditionally claim that the big advantage for UCLA or USC football players at the Rose Bowl is being able to go home at night and sleep in their own beds. What they cannot seem to understand is that UCLA and USC football players almost never sleep in their own beds.

--The UCLA and Iowa marching bands both intend to line up in formations Wednesday that will spell out the names of their schools. They will be censored by NBC and busted by the Pasadena police for using four-letter words.

--For the money being paid by Rose Bowl officials to the schools, the teams should be forced to play two out of three.

--At some point prior to or soon after the kickoff, a public-address announcer will inform the Rose Bowl audience of the temperature in California and the temperature in Iowa. Visitors from Iowa: This man is laughing at you, and you should run upstairs to the press box and hurl ears of corn at him.

--There will be a moment of silence before the game for the USC offense.

--Those girls on the UCLA sidelines are not really cheerleaders. All of them have had screen tests. All of them have agents. They are professional actresses who have been hired by the football program to pretend to be cheerleaders.

--If Iowa wins the game, all of the Hawkeye coaches will be invited to appear on the “Tonight Show,” so that Joan Rivers can pry into their personal lives.

--President Reagan, fresh from his World Series phone call to Kansas City Royals pitcher Jim Quisenberry, will place calls after the Rose Bowl to both of the coaches, Phil Donahue and David Fry.

--After the game, the UCLA coach will tell you he cannot be specific about his team’s performance until he looks at the films. Two weeks later, Steven Spielberg will still be editing them.

--You will hear a whole lot about the Tournament of Roses. You will hear next to nothing about the Tournament of Sugars or the Tournament of Fiestas.

--Students from Stanford and Northwestern are not permitted to play in the Rose Bowl game, but they are qualified to explain it to the rest of their leagues.