Beware of Those Lies You’ll See <i> and </i> Hear at Riviera

One of the all-time fun things for me in sport is listening to the postgame explanations by contestants of what happened.

For instance, a prizefighter, just knocked out by an opponent, will vouchsafe the notion that his opponent is not the best fighter he ever fought and will name four or five others as equal or better. He will carefully include in that list one or more fighters he beat.

Psychologists say it is as necessary for the star athlete to have self-esteem as to have breath. He must never, never concede that anyone or anything is better than he is or his confidence is shattered forever.

In baseball, a pitcher will say of a home run hit off him that the pitch was “a junk slider that got away from me, a mistake.” The batter will say it was the pitcher’s best fastball that he timed perfectly. The batter will never admit that he was guessing and that a curveball would have made him look foolish, by the same token.

Golf is no different. Listening to the post-round litanies of the players at the 60th Los Angeles Open at Riviera this week, you have to get yourself in a posture where you not so much hear what they say as know what they mean. Here’s what they say and, in parenthesis, what it means:

“I saw all the trouble was on the right side and the pin was cut over the bunker, so I drew it down the left. Unfortunately it hit that slope and kicked left.” (He hit a duck hook.)

“I could read two breaks. I knew everything breaks toward the ocean, so I hit it firmly for the center of the cup. I knew I had it the minute it left the blade.” (He hit a 65-foot no-brainer with his eyes shut.)

“This is one of the great courses we play on the tour. It has so much history, anyone would be proud to play here.” (Guess who just shot 63.)

“I know this is a fine course and Hogan played here and all that, but there are some holes out there designed by a shoemaker. I hit some perfect shots today but I was in jail when I got there.” (Guess who just sprayed his way to an 81.)

“I figured an 8-iron was the right club, but there was so much wind up there, I figured a little knocked-down 7 would get me pin-high. The wind died down just as I hit, and I went through the green into that barranca on No. 6. (He overclubbed, as usual.)

“The putt looked straight to me, but the caddy said it broke right six inches.” (He yipped it. Pulled it dead left. All the caddy told him was, “Don’t give away the hole.” He almost gave away the green.)

“There were so many spike marks around the hole, it looked like a colander. It was like putting over a cobblestone road.” (Guess who just three-putted.)

“I figured the shot was a fade. The hole opens up that way. I got unlucky. I hit it just right, but it caught that overhang from the eucalyptus. Why don’t they cut those things?” (He hit his usual right-to-right slice into the trees.)

“I didn’t have much room to work with on the green. So I just tried to fluff it out and stop it on the downhill side. Unfortunately, there was a stick behind my ball.” (He hit a chili-dip. He buried the club in the ground before it got to to the ball.)

“The ball was lying in wet sand, so I knew I had to close the club face and hit down on it more to get it out.” (He bellied it--bladed it 75 yards clear over everything and out onto the street.)

“I didn’t come here to play safe.” (Guess who took an 8 by hitting two stupid wood shots to get through a dogleg that would stop a tank.)

“The tee was wet there where they had watered this morning, God knows why, and my foot slipped as I came down with my driver.” (Guess who just hit the ball out of bounds on the left.)

“I had to make a decision whether to pitch the ball high or run it up. I didn’t think the grass was that wet.” (He topped it.)

“I had the flu--but I really don’t want to use that as an excuse.” (He had a hangover, which he sure doesn’t want to use as an excuse, in case his wife is reading.)

“That hole is really unfair. I know they’re trying to protect the course’s reputation, but you shouldn’t have to invent shots to save par.” (He finally hit a hole where you have to think your way to the green, and he’s overmatched on any hole where you can’t just bust a driver and an 8-iron up there.)

“I don’t mind rough, but this is ridiculous!” (Guess who hit only two fairways all day.)

“I didn’t make a putt all day.” (Guess who never got it closer than 45 feet and who missed 16 greens.)

“I tried to play a little cut shot there, but there was a clump of mud just behind the ball.” (He hit it fat.)

“My ball came to rest in the short rough where they had twigs and cans and leaves and rocks. Ben Hogan couldn’t have hit it out of there.” (Ben Hogan wouldn’t have been there.)

“A camera clicked just as I hit the shot; that’s why it went in the water.” (That sound wasn’t the camera, it was your throat. It wasn’t a click, it was a choke.)

“I just hit a soft 7 in there. I still say it was the shot. What am I, Jack Nicklaus?” (No, nobody ever made that mistake about you.)