Odds and Ends, Quips and Names

Insomnia is a disease. Meet the cure:

--If Akeem Olajuwon is so tough, let’s see him in Wrestlemania III.

--When Wally Joyner hits his 62nd home run, will he get one asterisk or two?

--I have been reading Howard Cosell’s syndicated column. If I wanted I to, I bet I could I write I exactly I like I Howard I does.

--Because of the rain, everybody involved with the Indy 500 gets to spend another whole week in Indianapolis. Some people have all the luck.

--The new Life magazine reveals that Chris Evert Lloyd carried on a long romantic fling with an older British rock singer. I’m glad it didn’t turn out to be Dusty Springfield or Petula Clark.

--Asking the Chicago Cubs to play baseball in St. Louis is like asking Scarlett O’Hara to sell her property to condo developers.

--Wait a second. Didn’t we count the Houston Rockets out after one game of their last series?

--To conform with his Texas life style, the star of the Houston team is considering changing his name to Joe Bob Olajuwon.

--And if he’s supposed to be so true to the Celtics, how come they don’t call him Green Auerbach?

--Seeing the Montreal Canadiens win another Stanley Cup is about as exciting as seeing Geraldo Rivera open another vault.

--The National Hockey League season is over. Quick, name three Calgary Flames.

--The Dodgers reached out to grab each other’s hands during Hands Across America. They missed.

--I’m not saying the Cincinnati Reds are lousy this season, but I understand Dave Parker is suing the Pittsburgh Pirates to take him back.

--Darryl Strawberry, lifetime .260 hitter, already has a biography out. But don’t worry. So far, not one New Yorker has asked permission to suspend the mandatory five-year wait needed to induct him into Cooperstown.

--CBS is, however, planning to do a made-for-TV movie on Strawberry. Reportedly, they are negotiating with Vanessa Redgrave this very minute.

--I hear Refrigerator Perry now weighs 330 pounds, and the Chicago Bears want to use him at linebacker. If his buns get any bigger, he can become the first NFL player to line up at tackle and linebacker simultaneously.

--Did you hear about Super Bowl XXXL? It was Perry’s jersey.

--This bulletin just in: More than a dozen college basketball players have decided to stay in college.

--Martina Navratilova, in Sports Illustrated: “I never get enough credit for being a good sport, gracious in defeat and victory.” Hello, sweetheart? Get me rewrite. OK, boys, here’s your headline: Navratilova Wins, 6-0, 6-0, Thanks Loser for Swell Match .

--I saw Billy Martin last week on “Saturday Night Live.” Tell him not to quit his day job.

--If the Boston Red Sox win the American League East, it will mean that six different teams will have won the division in six years. It also will mark the 18th AL East season in a row that the Cleveland Indians have been able to round up nine players.

--As of Sunday, the fast-improving St. Louis Cardinals trailed Mike Marshall in home runs by only one.

--Ken Harrelson of the Chicago White Sox was stopped only moments short of asking Carlton Fisk to manage and Tony LaRussa to catch.

--How come nobody was asking what was wrong with the Lakers after their first 92 games?

--K.C. Jones has been one of the best players and coaches in basketball, but I still don’t know why his parents named him K.

--Robert Redford’s new movie, “Legal Eagles,” is due out soon. It’s the story of a retired New York baseball player who tries football in Philadelphia.

--Testimony in federal court last week offered conclusive proof that the National Football League once used all of its influence to prevent 32 television viewers from doubling the audience for a United States Football League game.

--Vin Scully and NBC-TV’s cameras last Saturday noted a squirrel that was perched on the fence in the center-field bullpen at Yankee Stadium. He sure picked the right place to look for nuts.

--NBC is considering a short film segment to air next week: “Baseball Players Under 40.”

--Ten bucks says Kurt Waldheim turns up in a couple of weeks pitching for the San Jose Bees.

--If Patrick Ewing had been forced to sit out the entire season with an injury, he might have finished as low as second in the Rookie of the Year voting.

--I finally finished the best-selling book “Yeager,” and there wasn’t one damn word about him being traded to Seattle.

--Bad news for Mrs. Bob Costas regarding the naming of her next baby: Your husband made this bet with Akeem Olajuwon that if he got to the NBA finals . . .