A Big Finish for the Big Redhead

The Boston Celtics’ favorite sport is basketball. The Boston Celtics’ second favorite sport is Roast the Redhead, a little game in which everyone makes fun of Bill Walton.

“Just look at him,” Kevin McHale has pointed out. “He’s got knee pads which are two sizes too large, ugly black shoes, gobs of tape all over his body, and he’s sweating profusely long before the game begins. Now is that a pretty sight?”

Tuesday night, Bill Walton, the Celtics’ lurching, hulking, perspiring display rack of sporting goods accessories, was a pretty sight--to Celtic eyes, anyway.

After being embarrassed in the first half of Game 5 of the NBA title series, Walton was thrown back into the action with 3:07 remaining and the score tied. Celtic center Robert Parish was running out of gas, and Coach K.C. Jones had to put somebody in.

Walton proceeded to win the game for the Celtics, and maybe wrap up the best-of-seven series. The Celtics lead, 3-1.

What Walton did in that last three minutes was grab a rebound, then feed Larry Bird for a wide-open three-point bomb, then, at 1:06 on the clock, grab an offensive rebound and stick in an acrobatic reverse layup to give the Celtics a three-point lead and the game.

This is the same Bill Walton, by the way, whom the Lakers did not want any part of when he came calling last summer.

Bill had just finished another unhappy season with the Clippers and was shopping for a new home. He phoned the Celtics and he phoned the Lakers. The Lakers considered him damaged goods, too fragile. The Celtics snapped him up like the last pair of shoes on the sale rack.

The question is, which team did Walton phone first? I asked him Tuesday night.

“Uhhhh . . . ,” Walton began.

Draw your own conclusions, sports fans. He’ll never admit it now, but my guess is that Walton’s first choice was the Lakers.

Now you can play “What if?”

What if the Lakers had taken Walton and he played for them the way he played this season for the Celtics? Would he have made a difference in the Laker-Rocket playoff series? If so, would you like the Lakers’ chances in the title series against a Celtic team with no Bill Walton coming off the bench?

But that’s all water under the bridge. Or are those Laker tears?

Walton is a Celtic now, as sure as the Grateful Dead need a haircut. God forbid that Bill should ever be called upon to make a choice between his basketball team and his rock group.

Walton was so excited after Tuesday night’s game that he was talking like a 33 r.p.m. phonograph record being played at 78 r.p.m. Anybody got a tranquilizer dart?

In the first half, Walton played like Thoreau. He had six points but only two rebounds in 11 minutes, and Houston’s Ralph Sampson took big Bill apart, undressed the big redhead, pounded him, scored at will. Sampson owned Walton. It was embarrassing.

“I was terribly out of sync,” Walton said, although he actually said it like this: “Iwasterriblyoutofsync.”

Walton went on: “Whoever I was guarding (in the first half) was just going at me, getting offensive rebounds. That’s why I was surprised when K.C. gave me the nod with three minutes to go. I did nothing earlier in the game to warrant that chance. Who would have guessed after the first 45 minutes I’d make the last basket? Red Auerbach (Celtic president) was looking to trade me back.”

Right. Red Auerbach will trade his wife and his last cigar before he’ll trade Walton anywhere. Walton is the kind of guy who has made Red a genius over the years. The washed up re-tread who becomes energized and Celtified when he slips on the ugly green Celtic jersey. It’s Red’s version of faith-healing.

How else do you explain a 33-year-old with a library of bad X-rays making a very significant contribution to the Celtics’ championship drive?

And how do you explain those two big plays Tuesday night? Let’s let Walton.

On the pass out to Bird for the three-pointer:

“I was posting up on (Rocket forward Rodney) McCray, trying to get all the paint I could. Danny (Ainge) gave me the ball and I started backing down, the double-team came down, and I saw Larry. Hey, I feed Larry Bird a ton of those three-points shots in practice. The minute I threw it to him, I knew it was good.”

On the big rebound and layup:

“Kevin (McHale) lost the ball on the low post and it went out to DJ (Dennis Johnson). He looked at me, and I communicated to him with my eyes that I was gonna back up and spread the floor so he could charge down the lane with the ball.”

Given the alley, DJ drove and missed the shot. Walton, steaming in from the outside, having built up a handy head of steam, skied and snagged the rebound. The rest is Celtic history.

It should be noted that the manic three-minute flurry by Walton was not his only contribution to the Celtic cause in this series.

He is shooting 16 for 21 from the floor and has 26 rebounds, and 3 turnovers, in 72 minutes.

Walton loves this kind of action.

“That’s what I live for,” he said. “I’m a basketball player. You have these two teams, we’re all jacked up, the referees left their whistles in the locker room. I dig all that.”

The Celtics appreciate that attitude, and they verbalize their appreciation.

As Larry Bird has said: “Bill always talks about how great an experience it is to win a championship. What does he know about it? When he played for Portland, it was back in the 1940s. He’d either be matched up against some 6-5 midget or he’d be playing against a big old ox like Dennis Awtrey, Tom Boerwinkle or Tom Burleson. Big deal.”

And after Tuesday night’s stirring victory, did Walton have a care in the world?

“I sort of saved myself a whole lot of embarrassment,” Walton said, alluding to his lousy first half, “although I know I’ll never hear the end of it from McHale.”

And he won’t. Bird will be on him, too, and probably Danny Ainge and maybe the team trainer. They’ll cut the big redhead down to size. They’ll bust his chops good.

Walton will hate it. He’ll just hate it.