Some Folks in Sports Have Way With Words

If you like one-liners, there are more than 300 pages of them in “Sportswit,” a Fawcett Crest paperback compiled by Lee Green. Following are some selections. The people quoted are identified by the positions they held at the time they were speaking:

Reggie Williams, Cincinnati Bengal linebacker, on his attributes: “Speed, strength and the ability to recognize pain immediately.”

Alex Karras, Detroit Lion defensive tackle, on his golf game: “My best score ever is 103, but I’ve only been playing 15 years.”

Ron Swoboda, New York Met outfielder: “Why am I wasting so much dedication on a mediocre career?”

Charlie Lau, Chicago White Sox batting coach: “There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works.”

Willie Pastrano, to a ring doctor who asked if he knew where he was after being knocked down by Jose Torres in a light-heavyweight title bout: “You’re damn right I know where I am. I’m in Madison Square Garden, getting beat up.”

Jim Frey, Kansas City Royal manager, asked what advice he gives to George Brett on hitting: “I tell him, ‘Attaway to hit, George.’ ”

Harry Neale, Vancouver Canuck coach: “Last season we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of any place else to play.”

John McKay, Tampa Bay Buccaneer coach, on his mail: “It’s about three to one I’m not an s.o.b. But there are a lot of ones.”

Pat Gillick, Toronto Blue Jay general manager, on the demand of 39-year-old Rico Carty for a long-term contract: “I don’t mind paying for a player, but I don’t want to pay for his funeral.”

John Mooney, Salt Lake City Tribune sports editor: “If a doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror.”

Jim Bakken, St. Louis Cardinal placekicker, on the eating habits of 280-pound guard Bob Young: “For his salad, you just pour vinegar and oil on your lawn and let him graze.”

Walt Michaels, New York Jet coach: “Everyone has some fear. A man who has no fear belongs in a mental institution. Or on special teams.”

Russ Francis, New England Patriot tight end, on defensive linemen: “If their IQs were five points lower, they would be geraniums.”

Joe Schmidt, Detroit Lion coach, hearing that quarterback Bill Munson might be called to testify in a gambling inquiry: “I know Munson hasn’t done anything wrong. I’d bet my house on it.”

Bill Callahan, University of Missouri sports publicist: “I used to have the worst time remembering names. Then I took that Sam Carnegie course and I’ve been all right ever since.”

Randall (Tex) Cobb, heavyweight boxer: “People always ask me if success will change me, and I tell them I sure hope so.”

George Underwood, East Tennessee State forward, asked if he had any superstitions: “Yes, two. One, don’t call someone a bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don’t call your girlfriend Tina if her name is Vivian.”

Gene Autry, Angel owner: “Grantland Rice, the great sportswriter, once said, ‘It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you played the game.’ Well, Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.”