Playing the Postgame Show of ‘You Put Up or I Shut Up’

Columnist’s note: Recently, members of the California Angels united in their refusal to do postgame radio interviews on KMPC after learning they would receive only a $50 gift certificate as opposed to past years, when all members of the team were given $600 worth of merchandise at season’s end, regardless of whether they appeared on the show. Players rebeled in principle, claiming they weren’t informed of this policy change until mid-May. All has been resolved now, and what follows is a purely fictional account. Any resemblance to actual events or local baseball franchises or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental . . .

. . . Cue to Hal Conan, announcer for the California Gophers.

Hal: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think you’d have to agree that was one of the gurrrrrrreatest games in Gopher history. And I think you’d have to say that Biff Bonker is one of the gurrrrrrreatest shortstops ever to grace a diamond.

And, good gosh, I know he cracked a two-run homer in the ninth to win it for us today, but you folks never get to hear about Biff, the sensitive family man. They never seem to write about all his work with the canned food drive, or all the times he hits fungoes to the kids down at the church.

Yes sireee, it’s a great honor and privilege to get Biff on the postgame show. But we’ve got him right now, folks. So let’s go down to Tom Rarely, who’s in the dugout with Biff. Tom, are you there?

Tom: Thank you Hally. . . . Well, young fella, that was some kind of show you put on out there today. I get goose bumps just saying your name. So anyway, there you were, facing Spider Murphy, who we all know throws a spitter. Still, it looked as if you got a good pitch to hit, a fat one out over the plate. What was it Biff? Slider? Heater? Spitter?

Biff: Yup.

Tom: That’s the way we saw it up in the booth, too, Biffer. And you knew it was gone right when it hit the bat, didn’t you, Biff?

Biff: Yup.

Tom: And the fans, weren’t they great, Biff? That has to make a guy feel pretty special when they call you out of the dugout for a tip of the ol’ cap. I bet a young fella never gets tired of that.

Biff: Nope.

Tom: And your teammates, Biff. They never got down on you when you slumped into that 0-for-50 streak a few weeks back. These guys hung with you, didn’t they? I heard you got a big tip from old Johnny Meese, who noticed you were looking at your feet when you swung. I guess you just can’t have too many guys like old Johnny on the club, eh Biff?

Biff: Nope.

Tom: And I know it hasn’t been easy for you this year, Biff, with all the talk of your million-dollar contract. That has to grate on a guy like you, who’s just out there trying to make a buck like everyone else.

Biff: Yep.

Hal: . . . uh, excuse me Tom and Biff. This is Hal up in the booth. By the way, great game, young fella. I know you could talk forever, Biff, but it’s time to play “Postgame Bonanza.”

As you know, Biff, every player on our postgame show gets a crack at the big-money jackpot. As you can see, we’ve lined the field with an assortment of goodies.

Now, Biff, you can go for what’s behind the box at second base or take what’s wrapped inside the tarpaulin down the left-field line.

Biff: Oooh, what’s inside the tarpaulin, Hal?

Hal: Come on, Biff, you know better than that. What’ll it be, young fella?

Biff: Oooh, I can’t decide. Ohhh, OK, I’ll take the tarp . . . no, wait, the box! The box!

Hal: Are you surrrrrre, Biff?

Biff: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure! The box!

Hal: Well, Biff, I’m sorry to say that all we had behind that little ol’ box was . . . A NEW CAR!!! And to tell you about it, here’s public address announcer, Johnny Molson.

Johnny: It’s not just any car, Biff, it’s a new Mercedes. The church kids will be green with envy when you pull into the rectory parking lot with this baby. Of course, we’ll throw in the tax, license and dealer prep to make this total prize package worth $45,000.

Hal: Biff, catch your breath, young fella, because that’s not all. You can keep the car or trade it for what’s behind the 386 sign in left-center.

Biff: Oooh no, don’t do this to me. I can’t take it!

Hal: We need an answer Biff, we’re already running into the “Tribute to Benny Goodman” hour.

Biff: Ooooh, I know this is stupid, Hal, but I’ll take what’s behind the fence. No . . . Yes! Yes! The fence!

Hal: Oh, Biff, I’m sorry. Oh, Biff, why didn’t you stop while you were ahead? Biff, Biff, Biff . . . There’s nothing behind the fence except a little old key that fits to the front door of your NEW CONDO! Tell ‘em about it Johnny!