THANKFULLY, NO ONE’S RATED ON GOOD TASTE

Count your blessings.

Routine months bring routine TV. The ratings sweeps months of November, February and May, though, are something to look forward to. These are the periods when ratings are particularly critical in setting local advertising rates.

Hence, networks and local stations roll out blockbuster programming that they know viewers will find irresistible.

Local news is especially sensitive to ratings sweeps.

I know what you’re thinking: Here comes another hit on local news, another cheap shot from a malicious TV critic. Mr. Know-It-All strikes again!

Not on your life.

Of all the sweeps series I’ve seen, in fact, none has topped KNBC Channel 4’s five-parter on the perils of beryllium. Reported by David Garcia and produced by Paul Skolnick, with Pete Noyes as executive producer, it was the product of a long investigation revealing that perhaps hundreds of thousands of Americans may have been exposed to lethal beryllium dust.

Nothing has topped the beryllium series, that is, but Harold Greene’s bold and kicky report on “Wheel of Fortune” starlet Vanna White on KABC-TV Channel 7. Where was Channel 4 on that one, huh? Vanna the girl next door, Vanna the lingerie queen, the total Vanna, in-depth. Harold, you scoundrel. You were simply fab. Go on, guy, get outta here.

Now that November is winding down, though, it’s time to plan for the future. Here are some sweeps series ideas that local stations may want to consider for February:

--”Bingo Bango.” Channel 7’s Paul Moyer visits female bingo winners with startling results. Three parts. Monday: How has winning changed their lives? Tuesday: What do they look like in their underwear? Wednesday: Was winning worth it?

--”Guess Who’s Going.” Channel 4. Five parts. You fill in the blank. Watch Channel 4 newscasts for a week and then try to predict which anchors will be fired if the ratings don’t improve.

--”Jacks.” KCBS Channel 2. Five parts. Jack is a fine name. Strong. Virile. Yet fewer and fewer males are named Jack. Why? Monday: Parents who haven’t named their sons Jack. Tuesday: Men not named Jack. Wednesday: Men named John, who refuse to be known as Jack. Thursday: Women named Jackie. Friday: Men named Jack and how they cope.

--”Joan Collins’ Makeup Bag.” Channel 7. Five parts. How does the “Dynasty” star put on her face? How does she handle the crisis of running out of mascara? Has she ever been caught in public wearing the wrong shade of lipstick?

--”Their Prime Time, Our News Time.” Channel 4. Five parts. Tune to KNBC at 11 p.m. each night for news stories tied to NBC entertainment programs. On Monday, for example: During an NBC movie on hypochondria, anchorman Keith Morrison advertises an interview with a hypochondriac that will lead the 11 p.m. news. As a public service, Channel 4 provides a special number for hypochondriacs who need someone to talk to.

--”What Did Ronald Reagan Say?” Channel 2. Five parts. Each night, another in-depth, on-the-street interview asking a citizen to interpret the President’s last press conference.

--”Vanna White--Three Months Later.” Five parts. Channel 7’s Harold Greene keeps digging, with startling results. Monday: How has Vanna’s life changed since November? Tuesday: What Vanna had for dinner Monday. Wednesday: What Vanna had for breakfast Tuesday. Thursday: What Vanna thinks about Moammar Kadafi. Friday: Vanna models her latest lingerie.

--”Con Game or News?” Channel 4. Five parts. Don’t get us wrong. Most newscasts are legitimate. But ours may not be. Each night this week, we show you how to tell if our newscasts are a sham and if you’re a fool for watching.

--”Disease.” Channel 2. Five parts. Why is disease always bad? And something else. Without disease, there would be no need for doctors. Thus, with their own careers at stake, isn’t it a conflict of interest for doctors to treat disease? Is something funny going on here? Steve Gendel’s got the answer all this week.

--”You Tell Us!” Channel 7. Monthlong. Yes, you the viewers vote by phone on whether Channel 7 viewers should vote by phone on whether Channel 7 viewers should be allowed to vote by phone. As a bonus, all participants in our phone poll will be given an opportunity to bid on the Brooklyn Bridge.

--”Harold of Hollywood.” Channel 7. Five parts. Vanna White investigates Harold Greene.