Cal’s Victory Leaves Bowl Only Half Full

The Colleges Just when officials of the Sominex Siesta Bowl thought they had found a suitably inept rival for Columbia (0-10), Cal (2-9) had to wreck everyone’s plans by dressing down Stanford, 17-11. And the Bears didn’t even have to call on the Stanford band’s trombonists, who once caused quarterback John Elway to cry out: “They ruined my last college game!”

Now with Cal accepting instead an invitation to appear in the more prestigious Bank of America Woes Bowl, Siesta scouts are looking elsewhere. Under consideration are such flowerhouses as Houston (1-9), Texas of El Austin (5-5) and Notre Dame (4-6), though Irish Coach Lou Holtz insists the team won’t accept any bowl bids.

Meanwhile, unstartable Columbia succumbed to Brown, 7-45, to move within three of Northwestern’s record for consecutive drubbings, 34.

Northwestern, one of the success stories of the decade, finished at 4-7, its best year since 1973. Interim coach Francis Peay, who had previously announced he was quitting, said he will return to the Mildcats next year. Talk about overreacting. The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Columbia (0-10) 7-45, Brown Idle 2. Houston (1-9) 7-34, Texas Tech Rice 3. Stanford Band (0-1) Doughnuts, Beer Idle 4. Princeton (2-8) 6-28, Dartmouth Idle 5. Berbick (30-5-1) 0-Fist, Tyson L. Spinks 6. USC (7-3)* 25-45, UCLA Notre Dame 7 Notre Dame (4-6) 19-21, LSU USC 8. Cal (2-9) D. Stanford,17-11 Kapp 9. TCU (3-8) Texas A&M;** Idle 10. Texas (5-5) 13-18, Baylor Texas A&M;

11. Arizona State (0-5 vs. Arizona last five years); 12. South Carolina (3-6-2); 13. Duke (4-7); 14. Illinois (4-7); 15. Colorado (6-5); 16. Purdon’t (3-8); 17. Blacked out in your area; 18. Auburn (1-2 in November); 19. Florida (5-5); 20. Pentagon (Army, Navy, People’s Express, VMI) (9-22).

*Bottom Ten selectors had no choice: USC is one-point underdog to Notre Dame-- at home !

**Score still being tabulated. At last count, Texas A&M; led, 74-10. Margin would have been larger except A&M; failed on two-point conversion try while leading, 53-0.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Texas A&M; (8-2) over Texas (5-5).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Miami (Fla.) (10-0) vs. East Carolina (2-8).

SPECIAL CITATION: Latin teacher Cheryl Hendry of Orange Park (Fla.) High resigned last week after football Coach Sam Ward ignored her pleas and kissed a pink piglet on the snout during a fund-raiser. Hendry said the kiss would be too stressful for the animal. Both pig and coach were reported resting comfortably, however.

The Prose Indianapolis (0-12) has the week off. Bottom Ten selectors were so busy reading NFL ghost writers in this, The Year of the Quarterback Book, that they didn’t have time to rank the teams. Instead, they ranked the tomes.

Remember the old days when celebrities waited until they had reached an advanced age--say, their mid-30s--before telling the meaning of life? No more. Now, the pundits include the Bears’ Jim McMahon and the Cardinals’ Neil Lomax, both 27, and Joe Montana, 30. Then there’s the new art form, the co-written novel that Fran Tarkenton co-gives us, “Murder at the Super Bowl.”

Lowliest of the crop is Montana’s “Audibles,” which moved Bottom Ten selectors to tears with his account of the “pretty bad heat” at the team’s Northern California training camp, “a long way from my home in Palos Verdes Estates, where I can look out my window and see the Pacific Ocean.”

Montana reveals some of his most intimate secrets, including: “I hated Dallas for a stupid reason. My cousin, Michael, was a big Dallas Cowboys fan.” Oh, Joe! Say it ain’t so! The Rankings:

1. “Audibles: My Life in Football” by Joe Montana--Divided into three parts, one for each marriage.

2. “McMahon!” by Jim McMahon--Trauma of growing up with the same last name as Johnny Carson’s laugh track. Dedicated to Doug Flutie.

3. “Murder at the Super Bowl” by Fran Tarkenton--Lightly fictionalized account of his three losses in Super Bowl.

4. “Third and Long” by Neil Lomax--Incomplete.

5. “Football for Young Players and Parents” by Joe Namath--Don’t miss valuable tips for parents who want to become NFL players.

Also: 6. “Snake” by Ken Stabler; 7. “The American Idea” by Rep. Jack Kemp*; 8. “Charlton Heston”** by Michael Munn; 9. “On the Run” by Eric Dickerson***.

Note: All ghost-written, except for No. 8.

*Account of his years in American Football League.

**Played quarterback in movie, “Number One.”

***Highest pass completion rate of any Ram this year, 1 for 1, 1.000.

SOON TO BE RELEASED: “My Hijinks the Summer I Worked on the Strategic Defense Initiative (SDI) Program,” by Brian Bosworth; “I Am Grossly Overpaid,” by Warren Moon; “Coaches Who Hate to Pass and the Quarterbacks Who Love Them,” by John Robinson.