NONFICTION - Nov. 30, 1986

UNCOUPLING: TURNING POINTS IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS by Diane Vaughan (Oxford University: $15.95; 195 pp.; plus notes and selected readings). Many people, once they have actually broken up a marriage or a relationship, wonder what took them so long. This short book reveals just how complicated the process is. Divorces start with secrets--the kind we all keep--that come to include negative attitudes toward a partner. Such secrets may erupt into displays of discontent, leading individuals to new self-identities. Both partners may try to deny the changes in one or the other’s feelings, and for a while may even support one another’s denial. However, the cover-up will break down at some point, leading to direct confrontation. At this point, a couple may try to make the relationship work again, because confrontation allows for negotiation. But sometimes the odds are insurmountable.

At separation, a couple “goes public.” Each must begin reordering his or her world. Now alone, each undergoes a series of redefinitions of self and re-evaluations of the relationship. Yet, continuities remain--and sometimes firm relationships of a new kind develop.

“Uncoupling” could prove a helpful handbook for men and women coping with the painful, albeit normal, process of breaking up.