Your Guide to Los Angeles on $XXI a Day

As host writer for Super Bowl XXI, permit me to welcome you to Los Angeles, Calif., little town of horrors.

Some of you from New York and Colorado who have hopped on airplanes or car-trekked here for the Giants-Broncos game have never been here before. I am here to help you. Perhaps some of you Cleveland fans also came, seeing as how you already had taken the week off work. Well, welcome. Hope you brought your dog masks.

This Guide to Super Bowl XXI is presented to you absolutely free of charge. However, any use or rebroadcast of this transmission without expressed permission of the National Football League is strictly prohibited. There. I’ve always wanted to say that.

Directions to the game--From Los Angeles International Airport, take the San Diego Freeway 15 miles to the Santa Monica Freeway. Follow that 35 miles to the San Bernardino Freeway. Continue on that 55 miles to the San Luis Obispo Freeway. Go West on the San Tito Fuentes Freeway 75 miles until you reach the Marina Hara. Turn right and drive six blocks until you run into Bo Schembechler Boulevard in downtown Pasadena. This street is a dead end. Proceed one more stoplight to Los Stinking Badges, turn left, and you will find the stadium parking lot, eight blocks from the stadium. Estimated time of trip (in heavy traffic): Five hours. Estimated time of trip (in light traffic): 4:45.

Tourist attractions--There are so many. Start with the popular Universal Studios Tour, where you will be able to see sneak previews of Universal’s new release “Friday the 13th, Part XXI: the Torture of Elway.” Don’t forget old reliables such as Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm and Linda Ellerbee Mountain. And be sure to go to Burbank to check out NBC’s exclusive guided tours of Will McDonough.

Food--There is a wide variety of culinary delights to choose from in the greater Los Angeles area, including Mexican food, doughnut shops, Mexican food, 7-Elevens and Mexican food.

Sports--Care to catch a game while in town waiting for Super Bowl Sunday? Good idea. UCLA will be tuning up for its first-round postseason elimination by playing host to Cal State Big Sur on Jan. 24. If you like hockey, the Los Angeles Kings will be giving away a game to the Vancouver Canucks on the evening of Jan. 23. And if you like professional basketball, be sure to miss the Los Angeles Clippers at every conceivable opportunity.

Super Bowl parties--The big one, of course, is Party Animal Pete Rozelle’s annual fling, which will be held this year at the home of Beverly Hills millionaire Wellington B. Instant, inventor of replay. Highlight of the evening should be the immolation of seven selected NFL referees, with a barbecue to follow. Also, Cybill Shepherd has asked me to mention that all of America’s sportswriters are welcome at her place for the weekend.

Shopping--The Galleria in Sherman Oaks is advertising a special this week on “Cleveland in the Super Bowl? Oh, Yeah, Fer Sure” T-shirts at $9.95 each. On Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, shops will be open until midnight all week to anyone who doesn’t look like Eddie Murphy. Miniature, 24-karat, gold Gatorade-tub earrings are a steal this week at $2,000 a pair.

Game tickets--Most Super Bowl tickets are distributed in advance to travel agencies, civic leaders, media outlets, relatives of Los Angeles Rams management and Ed McMahon, who, as you know, has his fingers in everything. California state law permits scalpers to accept Master Card, Visa and American Express.

The game itself--A day of Super Bowl celebration will commence Sunday, Jan. 25, with the traditional Tournament of Supers Parade. Immediately thereafter, Brent Musburger will host CBS-TV’s special 6 1/2-hour edition of “NFL Today,” followed by a presentation of vestal virgins to previous Super Bowl MVPs. The national anthem will be sung by Shelley Long, so cover your ears. At halftime of the game, a special “Up With People” medley of Robert Goulet’s greatest hits will feature a tribute to the hairpieces of Terry Bradshaw.

Hammocks and pillows will be provided to spectators for use during the game, which will, as per Super Bowl tradition, put people to sleep. Presentation of the NFL championship trophy will be made to Bronco President Patrick D. Bowlen immediately after the game, but only as a practical joke, since his team will have been beaten by several touchdowns.