It’s Black and White and Red All Over--Latest News of Sport

Good morning, Amerika. Here is sports news for United States Socialist Republic for today. Is another glorious day for our country.

Big party scheduled today at Lenin Square Garden in New York. National Hockey League’s 1997 most valuable player to receive beautiful new tractor from Sport magazine. Highlight films of 1964, 1968, 1972, 1976 and 1984 Olympic hockey games to be shown. How sad 1980 film destroyed in mysterious fire.

Comrade Erving having another excellent season for Philadelphia basketball team. Once again, request for retirement papers denied. Comrade Erving will retire when we say Comrade Erving may retire.

Steroid dispensary open today from 9 a.m. until 5 p.m. at all Amerikan universities.

Martina Navratilova once again ask to leave Czechoslovakia to play in England tennis tournament. Big laugh.

Cincinnati Reds expected to win World Series for 10th straight time since 1987. Excellent challenge expected from Houston Reds, Atlanta Reds and Los Angeles Reds.

Bob Uecker soon to begin filming new commercial for Stolichnaya Lite.

Very fine North Carolina, Nevada Las Vegas, Syracuse and DePaul university basketball teams advance today to play in CCCP Final Four.

Popular book, Bobby Knight’s “Season on Brink: How We Won for Glory of Party,” continues to climb on New York Pravda best-seller list.

Comrade Stadler shoots round of 62 at Karamazov Brothers Amerikan Express Sergei Bubka San Diego golf classic.

Draw declared in Karpov-Kasparov chess match for 360th straight day. Comrade Musburger of government television network denied permission to cover something else.

Los Angeles Lakers to wear visiting white uniforms, Boston Celtics to wear home red uniforms at professional basketball championships.

Reports of crashes and fires greatly exaggerated at Chernobyl 500 auto race.

Nikolai Volkoff will retain world wrestling federation title tomorrow night in match against pitiful Hulk Hogan.

New York Giants celebrate big football victory over Denver Bronkos by dumping big bucket of borscht on coach’s head. Very amusing.

Dennis Konner and crew of Hammer & Sickle ‘97, winners of Amerika’s Cup yacht race off coast of Poland, have been invited by party leaders to victory celebration at Red House in Washington.

Request to televise people’s sport of bowling denied.

Request by Comrade Turner to resume Goodwill Games denied. No need.

Request by Comrade Stallone to be released from gulag is granted, upon completion and submission of motion-picture script depicting humiliation and horrible death of prize fighter Balboa.

Comrade Murray elected to John Reed writer’s wing of baseball Hall of Fame in Kooperstown.

Several members of KGB reportedly were attacked without reason by New York Met baseball pitcher on streets of Tampa. Pitcher not seen since.

Sekretariat, 33-length winner of Kentucky Derby at Trotsky Downs, pays 6 rubles to win, 4 rubles to place and 2 rubles to show.

Decadent Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues burned.

Jimmy the Russian makes the Bears an 8-5 favorite in next Sunday’s game and in any other game they should happen to play.

Comrade Fonda’s Workout books and cassettes will be temporarily discontinued as a result of her pending appointment as Ambassador to Cambodia.

Applications from Caucasian athletes will be accepted this week for upcoming basketball tryouts for Kiev Globetrotters.

Caviar Ray Leonard will appear at boxing charity benefit in Las Vegas to reminisce about his glorious bouts against Roberto (Hands of Wheat) Duran and Muscovite Marvin Hagler.

Super Bowl XXXII will be held, it has been announced, at the Castrodome in Miami.

Comrade Gleason will repeat his role as pocket billiards champion Minsk Fats in the new sequel to “The Hustler,” starring Comrade Newman as Fast Eddie Felsov. Gleason, as you may recall, is fondly remembered for his many years of starring on television as bus driver Ralph Kremlin.

The pro football Hall of Fame in Peking, Ohio, is about to induct former St. Louis Cardinal star Comrade Dobler.

All citizens are hereby instructed to run in the Boston Marathon until they drop.

Finally, Comrade Kristofferson will sing “Amerika, the Beautiful” at tonight’s Amerikan League All-Star game, followed by a special rendition of his hit song, “Me and Boris McGee.”