It’s Kiner to Rizzuto to the Puzzled Fans

New York Mets announcer Ralph Kiner calls them as he sees them, but now and then something gets lost in the description. Here are some gems from “Baseball . . . A Laughing Matter,” a collection of notes, quotes and anecdotes published by The Sporting News:

--”There’s a base hit into center field as Santana can’t get to it. But he goes over there and makes the catch.”

--”Leading off for the Mets will be Walter Johnson. Make that Howard Johnson. Well, Walter was a good hitter, too.”

--”And the first pitch to Mitchell, lined into right field, deep right field. It’s out of here. Off the wall.”

--”If Casey Stengel were alive today, he’d be spinning in his grave.”

--”It’s looped into left-center field. Here comes Heep. He can’t get to it. He did get to it. Danny Heep with a shoestring catch.”

--”It’s going, it’s going, it’s going . . . to be caught.”

Add Kiner: Everybody has trouble with names at times, but Kiner has raised it to an art form. Some of his masterpieces:

George Foster--”George Fisher”

George Foster--”George Strawberry”

Darryl Strawberry--”Darryl Throneberry”

Ray Knight--”Ray Natt”

Dave Kingman--”Ed Kranepool”

Vince Coleman--”Gary Coleman”

Steve (Bedrock) Bedrosian--”Hardrock Bedrosian”

Gary Carter--”Gary Cooper”

Milt May--”Mel Ott”

Joe Price--”Joe Page”

Tim McCarver--”Tim MacArthur”

Dan Driessen--”Dianne Driessen”

Dann Bilardello--”Don Bordelo”

Add Names: Some other Kiner specials:

Marie Osmond--”Marie Osburg”

National Anthem--”New York Anthem”

Mother’s Day--”Father’s Day”

Ralph Kiner--”Ralph Korner”

Switching from Shea Stadium to Yankee Stadium, here are some beauties from Phil Rizzuto, the venerable Scooter who has worked in the booth with Bill White, Fran Healy and Frank Messer, among others:

--”Italians are very romantic, a very arduous people.”

--”If Don Mattingly isn’t the American League MVP, nothing’s kosher in China.”

--”Two balls, two strikes, two runs in for the Yankees. (Crack of bat). Jammed him. That went pretty far for a jam job. Oh! It went . . . holy cow! I don’t . . . it jammed him. A home run. I . . . the old eyes are gone. Holy cow! I’m going home. I’ve got to get my eyes examined.”

Add Rizzuto: Here’s one of the more enlightened exchanges that took place in the booth:

Rizzuto: “There’s a foul ball smashed into the Yankee dugout. Boy, I hope that’s not Guidry who got in the way.”

Messer: “Scooter, uh, Guidry is on the mound.”

Rizzuto: “You know, Frank, you’re right.”

Among other features in the book are the two shortest interviews as follows:

--Writer to Alex Johnson of Cincinnati: “You hit only two home runs all last year. This year you’ve already hit seven. What’s the difference?”

Johnson: “Five.”

--Announcer to Campy Campaneris who was winding up a 19-year career: “Do have any memories of your years in Oakland with Charlie Finley?”

Campaneris: “Yes.”

Quotebook

Phil Rizzuto, announcer for the New York Yankees: “Well, hi everybody, and welcome to New York Yankee baseball. I’m Bill White . . . “