Here’s Hoping War Is Hell in the Derby

The Kentucky Derby just a horse race? Oh, sure. And Stephen Foster was just a troubadour. And the Olympics is just a track meet. And Elizabeth Taylor is just a woman, and a lion is just a cat.

Horsemen try to play it down. It’s too early, too long, too crowded. In the wrong time at the wrong place. And so on.

They might as well throw spitballs at a battleship. It’s America’s Race and America loves it.

Horsemen fret over many things about it. The quantity of the horses. The quality. The bloodlines. The dosage.

Not me. All I care about are the names. If there’s anything that can kill a Kentucky Derby for me it’s to see a winner with a cumbersome, silly, unsuitable or just plain nonsensical name so many of them have nowadays.

The Kentucky Derby ought to be won by a horse with a name in keeping with the great traditions of the race.

It should never be won by a horse whose name is Jaklin Klugman, or Hoedown’s Day or Lee O. Cotner.

No one wants to see horses named after people win it. The only ones who ever did--unless you count Aristides and Omar Khayyam--were Clyde Van Dusen and George Smith. Joe Cotton, 1885, may or may not have been a real person.

We’ve had horses in here named Mel Leavitt, George Lewis, Harry Gilmore, Tom Elmore, Lena Mischa, Ben A. Jones and Shecky Greene. Thank God, none of them won.

We’ve had eight named after doctors, several named after relatives--Uncle Velo, Uncle Luther, My Dad George, Brother Joe--and a whole bunch who used initials, such as Phil D., T.M. Dorsett and W.L. Sickle.

There was even a horse, Tragniew, with his owner’s name spelled backward. There was one called Phil Dwyer--no relation to Phil D. Even movie stars got billing--Stepenfetchit in 1932. Military men figure with Admiral Porter, 1954; Captain Hal, 1925; Col. Hogan, 1911, and Lieut. Gibson, 1900.

But what really drives me up a wall are the cutesy-pie names--Coax Me Chad. Who in the world would name a race horse that? Cupecoy’s Joy. What kind of a name is that to put in a Kentucky Derby? Gone Fishin’. Ugh!

Who wants a horse called Esop’s Foibles in a winner’s circle? Or even in a paddock?

Like Hassi’s Image, do you? I don’t. Nabesna is not much better. Owners who just throw a lot of letters in a hat and pick them out in no particular order should get to run for dandelions, not roses.

Guys who mishandle the King’s English spelling get to me, too. Temperence Hill should have an A in it, as every schoolboy knows. Plugged Nickle is not spelled that way any other place. Repetoire lacks an r . Muskallonge misses, too, if you’re into spelling bees. Voltear was christened by someone less than a classics scholar. Does Rhoman Rule bother you? It should.

Anyway, what kind of a name is Tonka Wakhan? No Le Hace? Who would name a horse Sir Bee Bum? Bet on a horse named Fobby Forbes, would you?

Bad pun names don’t do much for me, either. Air Forbes Won, fortunately, ran down the track. So did Execution’s Reason, Francie’s Hat and a few other infelicitously titled beasts.

I suppose if you had to pick the great winners’ names, Twenty Grand would have to lead all the rest. It noses out Reigh Count, Count Fleet, Gallant Fox and Cavalcade but not by much.

One-word names are the best, the shorter and punchier, the better. In addition to Cavalcade, you had Swaps, Swale, Regret, one of the two fillies to win; Zev, Pensive and Omaha (the only other city to rate a horse named after it was Johnstown, which also has a flood named after it).

There can be 18 characters in a horse’s name now, as opposed to 14 in previous eras. This would seem to give free rein to the imagination. Instead, it encourages the Philistines. Names run together like--yeech!--Lookinforthebigone or Arewehavingfunyet are the vogue these days, prompting press box types to propose they breed and get a colt called Alphabet Soup, which would probably be spelled Soop.

Which brings us to Kentucky Derby ‘87, a race lots of people think is wide open.

Not here, it ain’t. There’s only one horse in this lot that belongs with the greats--names, that is--of the past.

If there’s any justice, poetic or penal, the 113th Kentucky Derby will be won by War. Repeat, War.

Now, there’s a name to warm the cockles of a hardboot’s heart. If he’s got any. There’s a name that will look good in gold on the paddock at Churchill Downs, a name evocative of the great names of the past, a name evocative of the magic of Man o’ War, the greatest name never to run in a Kentucky Derby.

It’s one syllable, it’s catchy, it’s a name full of menace, danger, just made for a track announcer. “Here comes War!” should be a shout to strike terror into front runners everywhere, should raise a thousand lumps in a thousand throats or goose bumps on the arm. It’s a Kentucky Derby name.

Or would you--I’m glancing down the starting field here--rather cheer for (I may fwow up) Cryptoclearance?

Maybe you like--awrrrk!--Shawklit Won? Want him to win the race Black Gold won, do you? Or would you rather see him back there where he belongs--in a pocket with Avies Copy?

Want to see the horse named in honor of Leo Castelli, whoever he is, win it, do you?

No, War is not hell. War is the one for us classicists, thank you.

We can live with Gulch winning it. If we have to. That’s a name in the Swale-Swaps genre. But the rest of those syllables belong in a bowl of soup, not a Kentucky Derby.

They have now put a monetary standard on a Kentucky Derby. If there are more than 20 horses in it, you have to have earned your way in with track winnings. They should put a literary standard in, too.

What’s in a name? Would Conquistarose sound as sweet by any other collection of syllables?

The Kentucky Derby has avoided being defiled by the likes of Luv A Libra, Jr.’s Arrowhead or any horse named after a guy you never heard of. Up to now. It can redeem itself again Saturday if War wins it. If not, I don’t much care who does.