BB Bullets: 5-3 Bogues and 7-6 Bol

This is the best sports story of the year. Maybe of any year.

It also is the cutest sports story of the year. It is so cute, you will want to take this story home tonight and hug it real tight.

Tyrone Bogues, a basketball player who stands 5 feet 3 inches, uh, tall, has been picked among the first dozen players claimed in professional basketball’s college draft.

And, he has been picked by the Washington Bullets, the very same team that already has Manute Bol, a player who stands 7 feet 6 inches tall--which, as we all know, is the approximate height of a Marriott.

Now, if this isn’t adorable, I don’t know what is.

Bogues and Bol. It sounds like a vaudeville team. It sounds like the act Ed Sullivan introduced, right before the juggling seals.

As for what it looks like, well, all I can say is, when you put Bogues next to Bol, it is going to resemble a golf ball on the 18th green, next to the pin. It’s a period next to an exclamation point.

When a guy 5-3 stands alongside a guy 7-6, the best he can hope for is not to get stepped on. I just pray that in the shower, Bol doesn’t mistake Bogues for the soap. Bol’s got a radio bigger than Bogues. I mean, this is Manute meets Menudo.

We are talking a difference of 27 inches here. We are talking about one man who must sit in Row 1, Seat 1 of airplanes to have enough leg room, and still can’t keep his feet out of the cockpit. We are talking about another man who can travel cheaply, because he sleeps in the overhead luggage department.

And, they both play professional basketball. Do you know what the odds are against that? It’s like finding out that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Pee-wee Herman are up for the same part. Like finding out that Mike Tyson is boxing Michael J. Fox. Like finding out that the same woman is dating both Willard Scott and Brian Bosworth.

When the Washington Bullets invited Tyrone (Shoelaces) Bogues to play on the same court with Manute (Basket) Bol, it was one small step for man, one giant step for mankind. It gave hope to America’s little guys. It gave hope to the guys who wouldn’t know a steroid from a Grape Nut.

It told them: Hey, tired of getting sand kicked in your face at the beach? Tired of being mistaken at the beach for a Frisbee? Tired of shopping for your tennis shoes in the children’s section? Tired of the guys inviting you to join them for a game of basketball if you will volunteer to be the basketball?

Tyrone Bogues must have heard all of it, all his life. They probably gave him the number 1 for his uniform because his jersey was so small, no wider number would fit. Referees probably called him for three seconds in the lane all the time because Tyrone takes such small steps, it takes him at least that long to run from one end of the lane to the other.

You know how they always have some kid at courtside who races onto the court to wipe up the wet spots with a towel? At a Bullet game someday, that kid will run out there and accidentally wipe up Tyrone. “Sorry, Mr. Bogues. I didn’t see you there.”

Or, some cop’s going to turn Tyrone in at the security office as a lost child. Magic Johnson’s going to think he’s a loose ball, and dive on him.

And just wait until the comedy team of Bogues and Bol takes the floor for the first time.

The first thing the Bullets will do is run their new variation of the give-and-go.

Bogues lobs the ball to Bol.

Bol straddles the lane, keeping his feet on opposite sides, to avoid a three-second violation.

Bogues runs between Bol’s legs.

Bol puts the ball behind his back, so Bogues can grab it on the way to the basket.

You’ve heard of a back-door play? This will be known as the pet-door play.

Next time the Bullets have the ball, their coach calls for play No. 2.

Bogues dribbles toward the basket.

Bol grabs Bogues as he goes by.

Bol hoists Bogues into the air and skyhooks Tyrone and the ball simultaneously.

Tyrone swishes.

Dropping back on defense, Bol guards Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Kareem whirls and twirls. He maneuvers past Manute. Kareem is too cute for Manute. Smaller, too.

But just after Kareem gets by, the ball is stripped from his hands. Kareem is startled. He cannot figure out what has happened.

Bogues, hiding inside the back of Bol’s trunks, has stolen the ball.

Washington is penalized for illegal defense.

The Bullets call time out. Bogues is removed from the game.

When play resumes, the coach calls play No. 3.

All five players go to one side of the floor. All five defensive players follow them.

Bol suddenly lobs the ball to a spot on the other side of the floor, where nobody is standing.

The ball, by itself, bounces toward the basket, flies into the air, banks off the backboard and scores.

When it lands, Tyrone Bogues leaps out. He has been hiding inside the basketball.

The Lakers immediately concede the 1988 championship to the Bullets, then select Danny DeVito in the draft.