The Finer Points on Scraping By as Big League Pitcher

Hi, kids! Welcome to the Niekro brothers’ winter baseball camp for beginners.

I’m your head counselor, Joe Niekro.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a pitcher in the major leagues. So’s my brother, Phil.

We both still pitch, even though I’m old and Phil’s moldy. Phil’s about as old as night baseball. Phil roomed with Tris Speaker, I think. Phil probably voted for both Roosevelts. Phil’s so old, his doctor is a paleontologist.

But, we’ve both been around, so we can teach you everything there is to know about pitching.

Uncle Phil will be here later, to tell us some secrets about the knuckleball. I’ll get you started, though.

Did you all get your kits when you checked in? Good. Open them up. You should find the basic essentials for becoming a successful pitcher.

First, take out your emery boards. It’s the thing that sort of looks like a Popsicle stick. Don’t lick it, though. You’ll scuff your tongue.

Question, Seymour?

OK, fine. I was just getting to that. Hold the emery board with your left hand. Or the right hand, for you southpaws. Everybody got it?

All right, now take the fingernails of your throwing hand and scrape them along the stick, back and forth, back and forth.

That’s it, Melvin. Beautiful. Back and forth, back and forth. Not so hard, Pee Wee. Just watch Marsha over there. Her mom probably taught her how to do her nails a long time ago, right, sweetheart?

Are everybody’s nails nice and sharp? Great!

Now, hide the emery board in your back pocket. Yeah, that’s it. Where you keep your comb. Stuff it in there real deep.

OK, I need a volunteer. Milton, how about you? C’mon. Attaboy.

Boys and girls, what I am about to teach you now is very, very important. When the umpires come out to the mound to search you, you must never let them find the emery board on you. Never, never, never.

Here’s what you do. Milton, make believe you’re the umpire. I’ll be the pitcher. Watch what I do, everybody!

Notice how I reach back and empty my pockets with one smooth motion. Remember to pull your pockets all the way out. Make it look real good, like you’ve got nothing to hide.

Can everybody in the back row see what I’m doing up here? Sheldon, can you see me from back there? Jose, can you see? You have to watch me closely or you won’t catch me.

Now, with a flick of your wrist, palm the emery board and flip it right past the umpires. With any luck, they’ll never notice. It’ll just look like the usual junk you find on the field. You know, like paper airplanes, or peanut bags, or, if you’re in New York, maybe a knife.

Everybody stand up and practice the emery board flip. One, two, three, flip. One, two, three, flip. There you go, Pedro. Perfect. Nice, easy motion. Beautiful, Mary Ellen. You already cheat just like a pro!

Excellent. Everyone can sit back down.

Boys and girls, I’d like to introduce you now to some of our other camp counselors, who are going to teach you all sorts of great stuff about being a big league pitcher.

Say hello to my good friend Kevin Gross. As some of you may know, Kevin pitches for the Philadelphia Phillies. Uncle Kevin is here today to show us how to stick a piece of sandpaper in your glove, and how to scratch up a baseball with it. Right, Kevin?

“Right, Joe!”

Uncle Kevin will work with half of you for the next hour, and I’ll work with the other half of you. I happen to know a little about that sandpaper stuff myself.

At 10 o’clock, Gaylord Perry is going to be here to tell us how he almost got into the Hall of Fame by putting glue and spit and petroleum jelly on baseballs before he threw them. Won’t that be great?

Another question, Seymour?

No, you can’t put petroleum jelly on a peanut butter sandwich.

At 10:30, Rick Honeycutt of the Dodgers will drop by to show us the old thumbtack technique.

Around 11, my old pal Davey Johnson of the Mets says he’ll bring over a bag of balls used in the 1986 National League playoffs by Mike Scott of the Astros, and you’ll all get a chance to see the flat spots and bruise marks. At 11:30, we’ll have a visit from Jim Bouton, who will tell us stories about how when he was with the Yankees, Whitey Ford used to let his catcher, Elston Howard, scuff up the baseballs for him.

Lunch is at noon. There’ll be plenty of hot dogs and apple pie, because, as you know, they both go great with the great All-American game of baseball.

And then, be sure to hustle right back here after lunch, because we’re gonna have a super pitching clinic. Dock Ellis will tell us about pitching while on LSD. Steve Howe will discuss snorting coke in the bullpen. J.R. Richard and Dwight Gooden also will give us some inside dope.

Denny McLain will tell us what prison’s been like. LaMarr Hoyt’s topic will be smuggling pills and smoking grass. Sam McDowell and several others will point out the evils of drink. That’ll be followed with a word from Ron Darling about barroom brawling.

Finally, Eric Show will show up to lead our group discussion about brushback pitches, and if there’s time, Charles Hudson will demonstrate how to throw behind a batter’s back if the previous two batters hit home runs.

Questions, anybody?

No?

Good, then let’s get started. For the next two weeks, we’re going to teach you some of the things you should know about being a big-time pitcher.

Pitching arms ready?

OK, let’s do them nails.