Answer Man Takes a Piercing Look at Pressing Issues

Dear Answer Man . . .

Do you think Brian Bosworth, the Seahawks’ rookie linebacker, will earn great personal honors in the NFL?

Last time I saw Brian--my favorite Martian--he was wearing a wacky white suit, rainbow chain-saw haircut and three earrings on one earlobe, including one proclaiming BOZ, which, I believe, is his blood type. I’d say Brian already is one of the most-decorated players in the game.

Is there any hope for the Pan American Games? With the seemingly widespread use of performance drugs, and the increasingly sophisticated testing, are we facing the prospect of a future day when they hold a Pan Am Games and nobody comes?

That is a fear of the games organizers, although such a situation would alleviate the headaches of an athletes’ village. To ensure the future of the event, the organizers are working on a plan. In future Pan Am Games, drug tests will be graded on a curve.

How is baseball’s integration program coming along? When Al Campanis caused the furor earlier this summer, it was discovered that in all of professional baseball, there were only two black managers. What’s the count now?

It’s still two. According to L.A. baseball reporter Bob Hunter, there are about 180 professional baseball teams in America and Canada, and two of those clubs have black managers.

Coincidentally, that’s the exact number of black women on the 34-member Dallas Cowboys cheerleading-and-cleavage squad.

I’m not sure exactly what those stats prove. Either blacks aren’t getting a lot of opportunities in these two fields, or else most young black men and women are aiming at careers that require some intelligence.

I see where Clipper forward Michael Cage was cited for packing a concealed weapon in his car, a pistol. The police also found a .45-caliber pistol in his trunk. I can understand the first weapon, but why the .45 in the trunk?

It’s never a good idea to drive without a spare in the trunk.

Maybe Cage has all those weapons for the same reason Bo Jackson plays football--everyone needs a hobby.

Maybe Cage feels he needs protection on the freeways. If so, and if the trend of NBA players packing firearms continues to escalate, it’s going to give an entirely new meaning to the “shooting percentage” stats.

I can dig Brian Bosworth’s diamond-stud earring, and his BOZ earring, but what’s that staple-type earring he wears on the upper part of his left earlobe?

That’s a tiny radio transmitter. The NFL brass is worried about fun-time guys like the Boz going places they shouldn’t go, so they installed the transmitter on Bosworth’s ear to monitor his migratory habits.

An academic honesty committee at Auburn voted to suspend quarterback Jeff Burger for allegedly plagiarizing a class report. But Burger appealed to a school vice president, who lifted the suspension on the ground that Burger had already suffered enough through all the newspaper publicity over the plagiarism and over an arrest for public intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon. Do you think justice has been served?

I think justice has been tweaked in the fanny. But before I evaluate how much Burger has suffered from reading about himself in the newspapers, I have to know more facts--such as whether or not he can read. This is Auburn, remember.

As for the vice president, this guy should have been Jack the Ripper’s attorney. Jack would have got off with 100 hours of community service.

If the bats used by many big leaguers are known as Louisville Sluggers, what do they call the ones the players load up with cork?

Louisville Lites.

Couldn’t the major leagues solve the corked-bat problem by going to aluminum bats?

That’s impractical. But they could solve both the corked-bat and the scuffed-ball problems by adopting the Answer Man’s proposal--aluminum baseballs. They’re Tuff to Scuff and No Lark to Park (slogan copyrighted).

The Cardinals claim that they secretly stole a bat from Met hitter Howard Johnson, had it X-rayed and found “something inside.” What was it they found?

Nobody is sure yet, but speculation is that the X-rays revealed cork or a creamy chocolate filling or Eddie Gaedel or Cracker Jack or a plutonium rod or a shipwreck note.

We’ll all find out for sure on a TV special, when Geraldo Rivera saws open the bat.

I didn’t see the terms of Brian Bosworth’s new contract but I read that after he signed, Boz said, “We (he and his agent) were looking for something that would knock us silly.” What would that be?

Probably a Louisville Lite. But seriously. When Boz said that, he was referring not to shopping for an NFL contract, but to shopping for earrings.