Truth Is, It’s Her Call to Make

The left-hander of God, Bob Knepper of the Houston Astros, hath spoken. Bob says a woman’s place is in the home, not behind home plate.

Bob says women shouldn’t hold certain jobs--including umpire, President of the United States, governor, mayor, police chief and sportswriter. Jobs he didn’t mention include butcher, baker, candlestick maker, tinker, tailor, soldier, spy, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, sumo wrestler, men’s room attendant and pitcher.

Bob also says that woman was put on Earth to be in a submissive role to man. Bob evidently believes that when Adam gave up one of his ribs to create Eve, he expected her to run right out and barbecue them and serve them up with some fries and cole slaw for his supper.

Bob further says that even though he believes women should be denied access to certain occupations, he has the utmost respect for the members of that sex, to the point that he places women on a pedestal. Of course he does. This is obviously the kind of guy who looks up to women. Uh huh. Right. You bet. Yes sirree, Bob.

God’s left-hander said all these things after pitching five innings for the Astros in a spring training game with a certain Pam Postema umpiring behind home plate. She is the one who might soon become the first woman to umpire a major league game, but good old Bob is the kind of guy who believes the only chest protector a woman should ever wear is one made by Maidenform.

“I’m not saying she’s going to go to Hell because she chose to be an umpire,” Bob said. “She has a free will, just as you and I do. But, if God is unhappy with her, someday she will have to talk to God about it.”

Now, there is a conversation we wish we could get on our tape recorder.

God: Why didst thou become an umpire?

Postema: I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

God: Get thee to a nunnery.

Postema: OK, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

God: And don’t become a governor or a police chief, either.

As one raised in the Catholic faith, I have absolutely no intention of being blasphemous or sacrilegious in this matter. Yet, as God is my witness, I maintain an honest confusion as to why a woman should not be permitted to be a priest, and I have absolutely no idea why the Holy Redeemer would not want a woman to be a baseball umpire.

I believe that God, besides having bigger things to worry about, would not want a woman to become a criminal, or a harlot, or a liar or a cheat. I can even see how He might not want her to sell used cars.

But, as I understand the gospel according to Bob, this Pam Postema had better change her wicked ways. No woman should have the power to call balls and strikes. No woman should have the authority to throw Billy Martin out of a game. No woman should have the nerve to keep a man from being safe at home.

It appears that the only umpiring job for which Pam Postema is qualified, in Bob Knepper’s opinion, is to dust off home plate. Women are good at cleaning, you know.

“I think a woman’s a woman, and they shouldn’t have to compete with men in certain jobs,” Bob said. “That goes for sportswriting, too.”

Right, Bobby baby. Men should dictate these stories. Women should type them.

“It’s not that woman is inferior,” Bob said. “But I don’t believe women should be in a leadership role.”

Right, Bobby baby. Men should run the country. Women should run the washing machine.

“I believe God has ordained that there are some things women should do, and some things they should not do,” Bob said.

Yeah, like open their mouths and say incredibly stupid things. Women should never do that. They should leave it to the men.

On the bullpen phone to God, Bob Knepper obviously has had some heartfelt conversations about a woman’s place in baseball society. He believes women should not be allowed on the field, except to sing the national anthem. He believes that the only plate Pam Postema should be behind is one with a knife and fork next to it.

I have only one regret today, as I reflect on old Bob making such a pig of himself.

My regret is that he doesn’t pitch for the San Diego Padres or the Cincinnati Reds.

The Padres and Reds are owned by women, you see.

That way, Bob could be in a submissive role to them.

In fact, I think Houston should trade Bob Knepper to San Diego, right away.

Then, just to spite him, Joan Kroc should rename her team the Madres.