A Little More Than 800 Well-Chosen Words on a Number of Subjects

Deep thoughts, cheap shots and bon mots . . .

According to New York Yankees owner George Steinbren ner, Billy Martin will be “one of the club’s top advisers on all player personnel matters.”

Doesn’t that sound suspiciously like Billy is being groomed for the manager’s job?

Wait a minute. The Clippers are celebrating, they are being heralded as basketball geniuses, because they traded the National Basketball Assn.’s leading rebounder--13 per game in competition against manly men--for a college power forward who averaged 7.7 rebounds while rebounding against college students?

The reason the Clippers were so hot to unload Michael Cage, it turns out, is that Cage is a one-dimensional player. Isn’t that one more dimension than most Clippers possess? Wasn’t Cage’s 14.5 points per game also a dimension, or does that stat fall into the Twilight Zone? And doesn’t solid, consistent effort on a loopy, lackluster team qualify as at least a half dimension?

The new power forward, Charles Smith from Pittsburgh, will bring a much-needed psychological dimension to the Clippers. Upon being drafted, Smith said, “If we can motivate (Clipper center) Benoit (Benjamin) and get him going, we’re going to run and be really tough.”

Hey, kid, if you can motivate Benoit and get him going, you’re going to be hired by the Ford Motor Company to head up the Edsel project.

Doesn’t it seem as if this NBA off-season drags on forever?

Will the Clippers be coining a variation of the Lakers’ inspirational team motto? Like, “No rebounders, no rebounds”?

The Rams have signed cornerback LeRoy Irvin to a three-year contract, blunting speculation that management is planning to quietly disband the team by driving away all the top players.

Who next to return to the fold, or flock? Ron Brown, perhaps? Brown, who would need a Greyhound ticket to catch Carl Lewis and other top U.S. sprinters at the Olympic trials, might be vulnerable to a fair offer to come back to the Rams.

And is it too late for the Rams to make Eric Dickerson a fair offer?

Now that Steinbrenner has the Yankees straightened out, maybe he can devote full time to finishing up that long-awaited report on what’s wrong with the U.S. Winter Olympic team.

A Sports Illustrated report on security preparation for the upcoming Olympic Games is headlined, “SEOUL: Safer Than a Sunday Ball Game in New York.”

That’s supposed to be reassuring?

Time is relative. That’s my theory, anyway. Before judging Michael Spinks too harshly, let us consider some things that don’t last as long as Spinks lasted against Mike Tyson.

1. Adrian Dantley’s free-throw routine.

2. Tyson’s Diet Pepsi commercial (how come he didn’t snap at those reporters?).

3. Butch Lewis’ prefight wardrobe planning.

4. Butch Lewis’ prefight mental planning.

5. Ivan Lendl’s string realignment between first and second serve.

6. Pedro Guerrero’s home run trot.

8. Billy Martin’s happy hour.

7. A prefight national anthem, when performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

8. The wave at a bowling tournament.

9. Kareem’s haircuts.

10. Clipper dynasties.

Is Pat Cash destined to become the Orville Moody of tennis?

There’s no justice in America. Pete Rose is cited for illegal parking on Pete Rose Way in downtown Cincinnati. Mike Tyson is not cited for crashing his Rolls-Royce into a parked car in the New York’s Holland Tunnel.

The difference, possibly, was in negotiating tactics. Rose offered the cop two tickets to a Reds’ ballgame to rip up the citation. Tyson offered the cops his Rolls.

Who says big league baseball is a country club? In Boston, Manager John McNamara won’t let his players order pizza during games. And now, in New York, Met Manager Davey Johnson has ordered his players to cut off clubhouse card games 90 minutes before the start of ballgames.

But this is modern baseball. Players have lawyers, and lawyers find loopholes.

Johnson didn’t say anything about horseshoe pitching.

Hard times for super sports trainer Mackie Shilstone. One-time client Manute Bol broke training recently and was arrested for driving while intoxicated, resisting arrest and assault and battery. Does this make Manute the logical next opponent for Tyson?

And you may have noticed how Shilstone’s star pupil, Michael Spinks, did in his most recent outing. Before we dismiss the validity of scientific training, however, consider how long Spinks would have lasted without all that state-of-the-art preparation.

Must have been an interesting meeting last week between the two former sports broadcasters, Pat Riley and Dutch Reagan.

They no doubt compared notes on Santa Barbara retreats, advancing hairlines and rose gardens. And Riley, of course, is the first coach to lead his team to back-to-back victories since Reagan in 1980 and ’84.