Re Tartikoff’s Four R’s: Rename, Recast, Reshoot, Then Rereap

Give Brandon Tartikoff credit for a terrific idea.

A lot of hip-shooters in the TV community have unfairly ridiculed the NBC Entertainment president’s recent proposal for filling the programming void caused by the marathon Writers Guild of America strike, claiming either that it wouldn’t work or that it was contemptuous of the public.

Tartikoff had publicly suggested that one way to skirt the strike was to reshoot old TV scripts with new casts.

He mentioned the 1977 NBC series “Richie Brockelman, Private Eye” as a series that could be renamed, recast and reshot, with, say, Bruce Willis in the lead, without viewers recognizing old scripts.

This is genius.

In speaking primarily of only adventure series, Tartikoff was selling his own recycling idea short. Just ponder the possibilities when applying his plan to one evening’s entire schedule on all three networks.

CBS opens at 8 p.m. with “Ramos ‘n’ Randy,” the former “Amos ‘n’ Andy,” with viewers so distracted by Emmanuel Lewis (“Webster”) as the scheming Kingfish that they don’t notice the old scripts.

Following at 8:30 is “Loudmouth,” a shrewdly disguised “All in the Family” with George Hamilton as Archie Bunker and Fawn Hall as Edith. George to Fawn: “Stifle yourself!” The public doesn’t catch on.

If either of these oldies proves too controversial, CBS has in reserve “Mr. Ed,” retitled “Mrs. Ed” and recast, the horse’s higher soprano voice giving new dimension to the old dialogue with Wilbur, now played by G. Gordon Liddy.

Mrs. Ed: Come on, let’s go, Wilbur!

Wilbur: You’re on the bottom.

Mrs. Ed: Sorry.

Following at 9 are reshot scripts of “The Waltons,” camouflaged as “The Waldmans,” totally intact except that the family is now Jewish. Replacing Richard Thomas, Danny De Vito is enormously moving as sweet, sensitive Moishe-Boy.

Anchoring the evening at 10 is “Lou Loves Ya, Baby,” with Telly Savalas succeeding Ed Asner in the retitled “Lou Grant.”

Meanwhile, NBC opens with a cut-down hour reprise of that old 90-minute Western series “The Virginian,” renamed “The Virgin,” with Dabney Coleman in the lead as the taciturn foreman and Richard Simmons as his headstrong assistant, Trampas.

That is followed by “Quacky, M.E.,” a cloaked “Quincy, M.E.,” with Jack Klugman succeeded by Sammy Davis Jr. as the crusading medical examiner, wearing gold chains and a new, hipper wardrobe. The old scripts are copied verbatim, though, except for adding “man” to some of Quacky’s lines.

NBC is extremely competitive at 10, with “Fuzz Woman” as “Police Woman,” Angie Dickinson giving way to Nancy Walker as sexy undercover cop Pepper Anderson.

It’s ABC that has the evening’s powerhouses, however.

Start with “Mork & Mindy” cleverly concealed as “Bork & Mindy.” Former Judge Robert H. Bork, the failed nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court, succeeds Robin Williams as the lovable being (“Nanoo-nanoo”) from the planet Ork. First to be reshot is an early script featuring Bork/Mork on his first dinner date.

Date: I think I’ll have a little wine.

Bork: “All right, if you insist-- wahhhhhh !”

What a perfect lead-in for “Three’s a Neighborhood,” with Mr. Rogers every bit as zany as John Ritter in a new “Three’s Company.”

At 9 comes “The Six Million Dollar Nun,” showcasing Dr. Ruth as bionic, airborne Sister Bertrille, combining scripts of “The Flying Nun” and “The Six Million Dollar Man.” Should this prove impractical, ABC has in reserve Mickey Rooney, substituting for David Carradine as the half-Chinese martial-arts whiz in “Kung Fu,” retitled “Short Fu” so that viewers will not know it’s old material.

ABC’s piece de resistance arrives at 10 in a reshooting of “The Fugitive,” cleverly disguised as “The Runaway.” The new cast is headed by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the David Janssen role of Richard Kimble, wrongfully convicted of murdering his wife, and on the lam. Oprah Winfrey is new as Kimble’s relentless pursuer Lt. Gerard, as is Mr. Blackwell the designer, ingeniously cast as the real killer, a menacing one-armed man.

The new actors use their actual names in the series to create the illusion of new material. Just imagine their exciting imagery together in remaking “The Judgment,” the 1967 two-part finale of “The Fugitive” that vindicated the long-suffering Kimble.

Accompanied by a now sympathetic Oprah, Schwarzenegger chases Mr. Blackwell through an abandoned amusement park. Mr. Blackwell shoots Oprah, who hands her gun to Schwarzenegger, who then gets the drop on Mr. Blackwell, who attempts to shoot Schwarzenegger, but is out of ammunition.

A fleeing Mr. Blackwell climbs to the top of a tall tower, where Schwarzenegger traps him.

They wrestle. They have a fist fight, with Mr. Blackwell knocking Schwarzenegger back. But the seemingly overmatched Schwarzenegger rebounds with such strength and uncontrolled anger that you have the impression that Mr. Blackwell may have ridiculed his clothes.

Mr. Blackwell goes for Schwarzenegger’s gun, getting the drop on him, and is about to pull the trigger when he’s shot from below by the wounded Oprah.

Mr. Blackwell is killed, falling 100 feet to the ground and messing up his suit in the process.

Tartikoff is right. Who needs writers when you can recycle old series?