A Fond Look at ‘88: The Winners Are . . .

Before we pack it in a cardboard box and stick it in the attic, one fond look back at 1988, with some appropriate awards. . .

Sportsman of the Year: Larry Brown, who stated, “I’m committed to these kids and I’m staying.”

What kids? Well, since there is no evidence that Brown even for one moment seriously considered defecting to the Soviet Union, apparently he was referring to American young men in general.

Medical Researcher of the Year: Ben Johnson, whose bold pioneering work in steroid experimentation was the talk of the Olympic Games.

Ben has a big decision to make next year--Should he get off steroids and make a comeback in track, perhaps as a steeplechaser? Or should he greatly increase his dosage and become a National Football League linebacker?

Trainer of the Year: Stan O. Zolol.

Name of the Year: Ex-quarterback and coach Joe Kapp was jogging when he was struck by a taxi cab driven by Festus Banjo.

Footnote: No truth to the rumor that Banjo will team up with Steve Sax and Doug Flutie to form the Manny Trillo.

Catch of the Year: Padre outfielder Shawn Abner, chasing a spring training fly ball at Palm Springs, crashed into the outfield wall, broke halfway through the plywood and stuck fast in an advertisement for La Cabana Mexican restaurant.

Medical Researcher of the Year, runner-up: British soccer fans, who went on a drunken rampage and terrorized several West German cities, thus proving conclusively that megadosage of alcohol is not a cure for brain damage or neo-Naziism.

American Rifle Assn. Overachiever Award: To Patriot wide receiver Irving Fryar. A New Jersey state trooper searching Irving’s car found a .38-caliber pistol loaded with hollow-point bullets, a loaded shotgun and a hunting knife.

Thus, a new meaning to the sports cliche, “He’s got all the tools.”

Trustees You Can Trust Award: Hoping to bulldoze away the wreckage of their scandal-plagued football program, SMU trustees passed the hat and kicked in $1.8 million to pay off the football coach and various aides who lost their jobs.

That donation worked out to $41,000 per trustee. Where did they get the money? Don’t even ask.

Cultural Exchange Award: America helped introduce baseball, golf and McDonald’s hamburgers to the Soviet Union.

In retaliation, the Soviets kicked our butts in Olympic basketball.

Ditz of the Year: Marge Schott, owner of the Cincinnati Reds, referred to interim manager Tommy Helms as “Whatchamadoodle.”

To her credit, Marge did not, even once, refer to a baseball as “the thingamabobby.”

Best Rule Innovation: The balk. Baseball’s 1988 answer to the eternal question, “What can we do to space out the game’s non-stop thrills?”

Sincerity Award: To Larry Brown. Accepting the Spur coaching job, Larry said, “I just like to coach, and the purest form of coaching is in the NBA.”

It sure ain’t in college, where coaches do so much cheating that sometimes schools get slapped with probation.

Animal Story of the Year: Cornell cornerback Evan Parke stepped into the shower in his apartment, only to find the stall already occupied by a 6-foot Bahamian boa constrictor.

Parke summoned help from the local animal shelter, after first determining that what he had stumbled upon definitely was not soap-on-a-rope or an SEC recruiter.

Hottest New Sport: Train surfing.

According to a report in Surfer magazine, thousands of young men in Rio de Janiero have taken to riding atop the slick metal roofs of overcrowded electric commuter trains.

The surfers stand on the roofs and even do some high-speed hot-dogging. There were 60 reported deaths the first 4 months of the year. On the up side, none of the surfers have tested positive for steroids.

Scapegoat of the Year: The Baltimore birdie.

After the Orioles lost their first 21 games and finished with the worst record in baseball, the front office determined that a shake-up was in order. They started by firing the team’s long-time symbol, the cute little cartoon Oriole on the crown of the team’s caps.

The birdie will be replaced by an “ornithologically correct” representation of a Baltimore Oriole. In other words, a dog with wings.

Worthwhile Experiment of the Year: It is rumored that British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is trying to get English soccer fans interested in train surfing.

Golf Shot of the Year: At the Rochester International, Nancy Lopez hit a tee shot off fairway right, into the gallery. The ball bounced and landed in the pants pocket of Paul Levinstein.

While Lopez’s caddy was searching for a trouser wedge, a course marshall ruled a free drop. Of the ball, not Levinstein’s pants. Lopez scrambled for a par.

Progress Award: To baseball.

Lights were installed at Wrigley Field. And, in the dawn of the post-collusion era, multimillion-dollar contracts were showered upon fringe ballplayers.

The Wrigley lights were so successful that incoming baseball commissioner Bart Giamatti is considering having lights installed in the heads of the 26 team owners.

Have a great rest-of-’88 and a superfine ’89.