Gutty Little Bruins Going to the Wolves

The Colleges

It’s the first No. 1-vs.-No. 2 hoedown of the Bottom Ten season, a resistible force against a moveable body: Winless Michigan faces bumbling UCLA.

The Wolverines’ season has been a disaster in more ways than one. This year, officials in Ann Arbor banned fans from holding umbrellas--and it promptly rained throughout the Michigan-Notre Dame game. As for UCLA--well, the Pasadena team gave its backers a real scare against San Diego State, which outgained the gutty little Bruins, 286 yards to 262.

A surprise title threat this year is No. 3 Iowa, coming off a remarkable 38-point drubbing by a bunch of Ducks. Also humbled was Illinois quarterback Jeff George, who termed Colorado an “average” football team in a pregame radio interview. Colorado then stomped the Illini, 38-7.

You wouldn’t expect to hear an NFL Hall of Famer and two-time Super Bowl winner describe a 31-30 win over the University of Connecticut as “the finest victory I have ever experienced.” But, then, you’re not Forrest Gregg, and you don’t coach SMU. Feel fortunate.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Michigan (0-1) 19-24, NDame UCLA 2. UCLA (1-1) Def. SDSU, 28-25 Mich. 3. Iowa (0-1) 6-44, Oregon Iowa St 4. LSU (0-2) 21-31, Fla. St Healing 5. Texas (0-1) Idle SMU 6. Florida St (1-2) Def. LSU, 31-21 Tulane 7. Ga Tech (0-2) 10-17, Va. S. Carolina 8. Nebraska (2-0)* Def. Utah, 42-30 Minnesota 9. Ala. (1-0)** Def. Mem St, 35-7 Kent. 10. Okla QBs (2-1) 3-6, Arizona Idle***

11.-13. The Miamis (Fla., Ohio, N.D.) (2-2); 14. Alabama A$M (school officials held up game against Grambling for 18 minutes because they hadn’t received a guaranteed fee of $20,000); 15. Penn State (1-1); 16. Purdue (0-1); 17. Idle; 18. (Tie) SMU (1-1) and USC (1-1); 20. SMU fans tried but failed to tear down goal posts after win over Connecticut.

*Nebraska defensive coordinator Charlie McBride: “If we keep playing like this, we’re in for some big trouble.”

**Alabama’s elephant mascot was penalized for lumbering to mid-field for pregame coin toss.

***Resting arms after throwing for zero (0) yards for second straight game.

ROUT OF THE WEEK: SMU (1-1) over Texas (0-1).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Michigan (0-1) vs. UCLA (1-1).

COMEDOWN OF THE WEEK: Iowa, a three-point favorite, lost by 38 to Oregon.

WHAT’S THE USE? DEPT.: Lehigh lost, 23-42, to Massachusetts in its 1,000th game, bringing its all-time record to 478-478-44.

The Pros

Rookie Dallas owner Jerry Jones recently decreed that high rollers who sit in luxury boxes can visit locker rooms and interview areas after home games, explaining, “I really would like to share some of the new experiences I’m having with these fans.”

Perhaps Jones should consider suiting these fans up, too. Jones’ Cowboys are winless and in no danger of experiencing a victory soon, even if they do play the Washington ‘Skinned next.

Too bad, the Cowboys don’t play Pitt this year. The Steelers are making what you might call slow progress, having cut their points-allowed average game from 51 to 46 per game.

Elsewhere, the Jets took an early lead but eventually lost to Cleveland, despite batting down five passes by Bernie Kosar at the line of scrimmage. Kosar, you’ll recall, is 6-foot-5. No doubt he had Brown Coach Bud Carson wondering: Where’s Pat Haden when you need him? Obviously, Kosar is too tall for the job.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss BAY DIVISION 1. San Diego (0-2) 27-34, Houston K.C. 2. Tampa (1-1) 16-20, S.F. New Orleans TRUMP DIVISION 1. N.J. Jets (0-2) 24-38, Cleveland Miami AMERICA’S TEAMS 1. Dallas (0-2) 21-27, Atlanta Washington 2. Wash. (0-2) 37-42, Phil. Dallas THE PITS 1. Pitt (0-2) 10-41, Cincy Minnesota 2. Irwindale (1-1) 19-24, K.C. Denver CANADIAN BACON 1. Ottawa (1-10) 34-52, Hami Saskat

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Dallas (0-2) vs. Washington (0-2).

UN-AMERICAN MENTION: Washington quarterback Mark Rypien was so upset after the last-minute ‘Skinned loss to Philadelphia that he failed to show for dinner at the home of Vice President Dan Quayle Sunday night. (This is not a Dan Quayle joke.)

QUOTEBOOK: Norman Chad of the Washington Post reports that NBC’s pregame NFL show “previously was known as ‘NFL LIVE!’ but the exclamation point was dropped, reportedly for budgetary reasons.”