Forget the Monday Night Highlights; How About the Lowlights?

THE BOOB TUBE

One reason to look forward to the NFL playoffs is that it will mean the end of “Monday Night Football”--and the producers’ weekly self-congratulatory exercise of polling viewers for memorable moments of the show’s last 20 years.

You know, “Greatest Three-Point Stance by an Offensive Lineman Not on Steroids.”

There’s been one grievous omission, too. So, the Bottom Ten pollsters gathered in an emergency session to vote on the show’s lowest moments, some of which are recounted in “Monday Night Mayhem,” by Marc Gunther and Bill Carter.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear with Faultless Frank, Dandy Don, Humble Howard, The Hammer (yes, The Hammer!) and others . . .

MONDAY NIGHT LOWLIGHTS

1. (1970): Keith Jackson is forced to call a series of plays with his pants leg on fire, the result of a cigarette dropped by Howard Cosell that ignites some debris.

2. (1970): Cosell, feeling ill, reportedly braces himself with several vodkas and then throws up on colleague Don Meredith’s boots. He (Cosell) leaves the game at halftime.

3. (1973): Meredith refers on the air to President Nixon as “Tricky Dick” when he suggests that the Redskins consult Nixon to improve their playbook.

4. (1974): Rookie announcer Fred (the Hammer) Williamson enrages Cosell during an exhibition game by saying, “Even an old cripple like you could have made more yardage through that hole, Howard.” The Hammer is fired before the regular season starts.

5. (1980): Violence by drunken fans at a game in Foxboro, Mass., is so severe that local lawmakers unsuccessfully petition ABC to start Monday night games in the East at 8 p.m. instead of 9 p.m. so that fans will have less time to drink beforehand.

6. (1970-1989): Any of the hundreds of visits to the announcing booth by a cast member of an ABC television series.

7. (1983): Cosell snaps back angrily at O.J. Simpson on the air after Simpson jokingly comments: “Howard, you’ve proved once again you have a tremendous grasp of the obvious--to use one of your lines.”

8. (1985): Reverse-angle camera enables viewers to get innumerable varied close-ups of the Giants’ Lawrence Taylor breaking the leg of Redskin quarterback Joe Theismann. ABC did everything except ask Taylor to make a wish beforehand.

9. (1985): Cosell’s book, “I Never Played the Game,” makes its debut, revealing what he really thinks of his on-air buddies . . . Frank Gifford is “a male mannequin,” Meredith “rarely prepared,” etc., etc.

10. (1989): The show’s grating theme song, written and howled by Hank Williams Jr.

THE PROS

It has been a bleak winter for Bill quarterback Jim Kelly, who is 0-3 since coming back from an injury to push Buffalo to the top of the Swoon Conference. In a televised confrontation last week, Bill running back Thurman Thomas was asked what was wrong with Buffalo--besides the weather--and replied: “The quarterback.”

Certainly, Thomas wasn’t referring to Kelly’s midseason replacement, Frank Reich, who posted a 3-0 record, including a win over the Rams.

As a strategic move, benching Reich ranks up there with the firing of Gene Stallings by Phoenix’s Larry Wilson, once known as the league’s meanest defensive back and now known as the league’s meanest general manager. The Cardinals were 5-6 with Stallings, 0-4 since.

The Bills’ Kelly doesn’t need Buffalo, though. There’s another football man who is always in the market for a veteran quarterback. That’s George Allen, the new head coach of Cal State Long Beach. Unless, of course, Billy Kilmer enrolls there first.

THE RANKINGS

WHAT’S-THE-USE? CONFERENCE (EAST)*

Player (Record) Last Week Next 1. M. Wilson (1-2, .333) 10-28, Pitt ??? 2. D. Flutie (1-2, .333) Idle ??? 3. S. Grogan (2-4, .333) Idle ??? 4. T. Eason (1-2, .333) Gone** ???

* Record of starting New England quarterbacks this year.

**Now with Jets; picked up loss in 14-38 defeat by Rams Sunday.

WHAT’S-THE-USE? CONFERENCE (WEST)*

Coach (Record) Last Week Next 1. D. Henning (1989, 5-10) Def. K.C., 20-13 Denvelway 2. A. Saunders (1988, 6-10) Idle Idle

*San Diego Chargers’ last two coaches.

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team Was Is Next Loss 1. Buffalo 7-3 8-7 N.J. Jets 2. Phoenix 5-6* 5-10 Philadelphia 3. Dallas 0-0 1-14 Themselves 4. Chicago 4-0 6-9 S.F.

*Point at which Stallings was fired.

FAN WEAPONRY UPDATE: Wisconsin Gov. Tommy Thompson, noting that a victory by Cincinnati would help Green Bay’s playoff chances, has shipped 20 pounds of Wisconsin cheddar cheese to the Bengals, who play at home against Minnesota Sunday. First snowballs, now cheeseballs?