First the Good News--Then More Good News

Good news travels last. At least in the newspaper business. Bad news travels first. Calamities get priority. If you want to be happy, skip Page 1. Go right to the Food section.

Recently, New York magazine took cognizance of this melancholy trend in daily journalism and invited readers to send in examples of what they would consider good news for subscribers.

The samples, as reprinted in Reader’s Digest, were interesting:

--”Sony Bought by IBM.”

--”Acid Rain Dissolves Styrofoam.”

--”Don’t bother with the whole form, just fill in your name.”

--”This program is presented without commercial interruption.”

It occurred to me the sports pages are not exempt from the unfortunate trend of the times and could certainly use its own quota of happier headlines. We offer herewith a few suggestions:

--”Denver Broncos Fail to Make Super Bowl This Year.”

--”Ivana Trump Gets $500 Million and New Jersey. Trump Gets Dog.”

--”Don King Gets Haircut.”

--”Baseball Fans’ Strike in Sixth Month. ‘No End In Sight,’ Admits Negotiator. Ballparks Empty for 15th Straight Week.”

--”Steinbrenner Fires Steinbrenner.”

--”Joe Montana Traded to Atlanta Falcons. ‘Game Has to Be Evened Up,’ Explains 49er Owner.”

--”Star Halfback Lives Up to Contract. ‘That’s My Signature, Isn’t It?’ He Shrugs. Owner Faints.”

--”Star Ballplayer Signs Autograph for Nothing.”

--”Pete Rose Makes Hall of Fame. So Does Shoeless Joe Jackson.”

--”Lawyers Lose America’s Cup.”

--”Linesman Socks John McEnroe in the Mouth.”

--”American Wins Masters.”

--”Cubs Win Pennant, Play Autry’s Angels in World Series.”

--”Al Davis Stays in L.A.”

--”Leo Durocher Makes Hall of Fame.”

--”Commissioners Rule Last Two Minutes of Football Game and Last 45 Seconds of Basketball Game Must Last No Longer Than an Hour-and-a-Half.”

--”NFL Rules Field Goal Cannot Win Overtime Playoff Game. ‘Touchdown or Nothing,’ Says Commissioner.”

--”Dave Stewart Wins Cy Young.”

--”Bull Wins Bullfight.”

--”Par Wins Golf Tournament.”

--”NCAA Rules College Athletes Can Be Paid--Provided They Don’t Make More Than 50 Times What a Chemistry Professor Makes or 20 Times What the College President Does.”

--”Colleges Do Away With Requirement That Athletes Be Able to Read and Write for Admission. Coaches Hold Out for Abolition of Requirement They Be Able to Talk, Too.”

--”Harvard Goes to Rose Bowl.”

--”University of Miami Drops Football. ‘At The Suggestion of the NCAA?’ Asks Reporter. ‘No, the FBI,’ Says Chancellor.”

--”Oklahoma State Has Backfield That Can Spell.”

--”Honolulu Gets NFL Franchise.”

--”Notre Dame Joins NFL.”

--”No One Boycotts Olympics.”

--”Red Sox Win World Series.”

--”Japanese Bid to Buy Pearl Harbor Turned Down. Offer to Buy National League Still Open.”

--”Curtis Strange Wins Something Besides U.S. Open.”

--”Seve Ballesteros Wins Something, Period.”

--”Agent Struck by Foul Ball Off Bat of .230 Hitter He Got $15 Million Contract For.”

--”Arbitrator Rules Refusal of Owners to Sign Big-Dollar Free Agents Not Collusion, Just Common Sense.”

--”George Foreman Wins Heavyweight Title, Ascribes It All to His Diet: Pork Chops. For Breakfast. Oldest Heavyweight Champion Ever. Fattest Since John L. Sullivan.”

--”Darryl Strawberry Wins Triple Crown.”

--”Tony Gwynn First .400 Hitter in Major Leagues in 49 Years.”

--”Raiders Move Back to Oakland. Indianapolis Moves Back to Baltimore. Phoenix Cardinals Move Back to Chicago (Look It Up). Redskins Move Back to Boston. New York Giants and Jets Move Back to New York. Rams Move Back to Cleveland. Dodgers Move Back to Brooklyn. Baseball Giants Move Back to Manhattan. Braves Go Back to Boston. Minnesota and the Texas Rangers Move Back to Washington. A’s Move Back to Philadelphia. Baltimore Orioles Move Back to St. Louis. Milwaukee Brewers Move Back to Seattle, Angels Move Back to L.A. Raiders Nix Irwindale Deal Because What Was Needed Was Not a New Ballpark but a City to Go With It.”

--”Basketball Commissioner David Stern Rewarded With $27.5-Million Contract Because He Negotiated Salary Cap for Players.”

--”Baseball Season Opens on Schedule.”