Can England Handle the Raider Invasion?

I am a tad nervous about this trip the Raiders are making to London for Sunday’s exhibition game against New Orleans.

What if they never come back?

What if they move there permanently?

What if they become the England Raiders?

What if Margaret Thatcher agrees to give Al Davis a non-refundable down payment of 10 million pounds?

What if the Wembley Commission says OK to luxury boxes?

What if Bo Jackson takes up cricket?

Would Long be called ‘owie?

Would every drive have to stay to the left?

Are football games there decided by penalty kicks?

What if they have one of those English stadium riots--and Greg Townsend starts it?

What if the Raiders stampede, injuring the fans?

What sort of relationship will they have with the London Times?

Will the tabloids link Jay Schroeder with Brigitte Nielsen or Samantha Fox or somebody?

Would ABC make the Monday night games kick off Tuesdays at 2 a.m.?

Would Marcus Allen or Jackson report nine hours later than usual?

Couldn’t Willie Gault lose his man in the fog?

Would the coach be called Arthur Shell?

Would they celebrate victories with Shell by dumping onto him a bucket of tea?

How many stones would the linemen weigh?

Would we have to refer to the “defence?”

Or to players being patted on the bum?

Hey, the Raiders have to call someplace home. Why not London?

The punks there would love the silver and black. They’d paint their hair those colors.

Let’s face it, nobody’s more punky than the Raiders. These guys would have turned Sid Vicious into a water boy. They’d have worn Boy George like an earring.

Every day or two, there’s a new story about how the Oakland deal is supposedly all set.

Last I heard, the mayor of Oakland had made the Raiders a new offer, marked down from his original offer of the deed to the city.

The way I understand it, because of financial difficulties in that city, Oakland is now offering the Raiders some of Pat Sajak’s bedroom furniture and putting the rest on a gift certificate.

There was also a report that the Oakland Athletics swore they would leave the premises if the Raiders were invited to be co-tenants.

I don’t happen to believe a word of this.

What could they possibly have to be afraid of--that Bo would call up the Kansas City Royals to tell them what was hanging on the walls of their locker room?

Maybe the A’s are afraid that once the Raiders get to town, that forearm bash the baseball players use will be exposed for the wimpy little love-tap that it is.

Like, Jose Canseco seems pretty tough by himself, but Lyle Alzado would use him for a toothpick.

So far, with all the stadium nonsense in the background, Alzado has been the most interesting story in the Raider camp.

Not that he has been in camp much. Lyle has been hurt from the get-go, and had some surgery on his 41-year-old left knee Friday that should keep him out about six more weeks.

Don’t worry about Alzado not being able to afford the six weeks. I’d rather have Lyle Alzado at 41 and a half than anybody on the Atlanta Falcon roster, past or present. His beard is tougher than most of the guys from Tampa Bay.

Funny thing about Alzado coming out of retirement: Jeff Bregel, the lineman who played at USC, announced his retirement from football Saturday because of injuries.

Bregel left school way back in 1987.

Here’s one guy retiring in his mid-20s, while Alzado gets closer every day to getting into the movies for half-price.

I have been rooting for Alzado, same as I have been rooting for Nolan Ryan and George Foreman and Hale Irwin and Mark Spitz and all these other characters who refuse to act their age.

Even Jerry Quarry has been trying to get a California boxing license. Jerry Quarry is older than most California forests. He has scar tissue older than Mike Tyson.

Everybody keeps accusing Quarry of having a cauliflower brain. But, it’s his life, and more power to him. I just hope his life doesn’t turn into his death.

Alzado is a different story. At 41, he is trying to make a comeback in the NFL as a lineman. That’s sort of like Gene Kelly trying to make a comeback as a break-dancer.

Why doesn’t Lyle try something easier--like guerrilla warfare in Nicaragua, or wrestling alligators, or riding the subway in New York?

At first I was skeptical about Alzado’s comeback. I figured he had about as much chance of playing again for the Raiders as I do of dancing at Chippendale’s.

For some reason, though, I believe we will see him playing for the Raiders this season.

Be looking for him around the seventh week, right before the big Liverpool game.