Maybe This Sport Needs a Saliva Test

Headline: “Andre Agassi Fined $3,000 for Unsportsmanlike Conduct. Accused of Spitting at Chair Umpire at U.S. Open. ‘I Spit and Obviously Some of It Hit Him,’ Tennis Star Says With a Shrug.”

We take you now in imagination to the court of the Hon. Harry K. Kangaroo, where the court is swearing in Ernest N. Fair, a chair umpire from a tennis tournament.

Court: “Mr. Fair, it has come to the attention of this court that you were spat upon by one of our tennis players in the midst of a match the other day.”

Fair: “That’s right, sir.”

Court: “Extraordinary! And what action did you take against this boor?”

Fair: “Action, sir? Well, sir, I tried to penalize him a point.”

Court: “A point? Surely, you mean a set? A game, at least?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir, a point is the most we can penalize a player in that situation.”

Court: “You mean like you will only start him out in the next game love-15?”

Fair: “That’s right, sir. But, as a matter of fact, I was overruled by the tournament supervisor.”

Court: “He decided the offense was not even worth love-15?!”

Fair: “That’s right, sir. Well, you have to understand he didn’t get any spit on him now, did he?”

Court: “Mr. Fair, if someone came up to you on the street and spat at you, what would you do?”

Fair: “Well, sir, I would probably smack him in the nose, spit back at him or call the cops and charge him with battery.”

Court: “You wouldn’t simply wipe the spit off and go on dealing with him as if nothing happened?”

Fair: “I don’t think so. If a complete stranger came up and spit on me, I think I would want to belt him in the kisser.”

Court: “Well, then, why didn’t you belt this young tennis player in the kisser or at least spit on him, too?”

Fair: “Oh, sir, we can’t do that! They need him. He’s one of the best tennis players in the world. He’s a draw. The tour needs him. The tournament wants him. Television wants him.”

Court: “The tour needs him? What do we mean by the ‘tour’? Are we talking here of a series of tennis events which have been capitalized and set up and venues provided, and where a lot of people put a lot of time and money and effort into creating an industry where these young popinjays can come and make millions of dollars batting a ball across a net, costumed like Casbah street beggars?”

Fair: “Exactly.”

Court: “Did this young spit-maker have anything to do with putting this tour, these tournaments, together over the decades, or is he just cashing in on it. Does he have any idea what goes into creating this environment for him to get rich on?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir, he’s only 20 years old. All he ever did was go out and play tennis. I guess he went to school. When he had time. I mean, now, he’s no rocket scientist, is he?”

Court: “Doesn’t he know he’s lucky this game is around for him to get rich on? Why do you think he felt he could get away with spitting on you, then?”

Fair: “Well, sir, he claimed only that his mouth was dry and he had to spit and some of it hit me.”

Court: “Was his mouth dry?”

Fair: “Not the part that hit me.”

Court: “Were you afraid to whack him one? Maybe it would do him some good? Is he physically imposing?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir. He’s a little bitty fellow.”

Court: “You don’t think he would spit at a fellow in, say, the streets of Marseilles?”

Fair: “I don’t think so, sir, although I’m told he does carry bodyguards around with him off the court.”

Court: “Well, why should he feel he can get away with spitting on you and, I’m told, curse you and use obscene language against you?”

Fair: “Well, sir, you have to understand tennis. I mean, we’ve gotten used to being screamed at, reviled, cursed, insulted, libeled, ridiculed. It started with Jimmy Connors and Ilie Nastase, and John McEnroe brought it to an art form.”

Court: “What did he do?”

Fair: “Well, he used to call us ‘the pits.’ He threw some rare old tantrums.”

Court: “And tennis came down hard on him?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir. Tennis just let it slide. A let call. They never even slapped him hard on the wrist until he got to be over the hill. They finally kicked him out of a tournament in Australia this year, defaulted him. But he wasn’t going to be around very long anyway. He can’t play anymore, I don’t care how many Sanchezes he beats.”

Court: “Was he ever defaulted in his prime?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir. We just had to sit there and take it.”

Court: “What if one of these fellows physically assaulted you?”

Fair: “That’s a good question. I should think that would depend on what seed he was. If he was seeded 189th, I expect they’d kick him out of the tournament. If he was seeded No. 1 or 2, I would expect them to find some way to kick us out of the tournament. I suppose if he killed us they would fine him a point.”

Court: “But they wouldn’t even let you assess a lousy point on a guy who spit at you?”

Fair: “Well, they did fine him $3,000. The next day, after a review of the tape did show him spitting and cursing.”

Court: “$3,000! Is that going to hurt in any way?”

Fair: “I should think not, sir. He’s made millions. He pays more than that for his earrings.”

Court: “Were you afraid for your income? Is that why you didn’t retaliate?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir, I don’t rely on tennis for my income. A lot of us in a lot of tournaments are volunteers. We’ve worked for nothing. We love the game. I didn’t retaliate because I would have been kicked out of tennis for life.”

Court: “Wait a minute! Wouldn’t they only make you sit out a point? Or fine you an income equivalency--say $30? Wouldn’t it be worth it just to drop him?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir. I love tennis. I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the game. I wouldn’t want to risk hurting a great player.”

Court: “Have bad calls or putative bad calls ever decided a game?

Fair: “No, sir, not really. I don’t think great players like Rod Laver ever even disputed a questionable call. They even up.”

Court: “And this young player who spit, did he lose?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir. He won easily in four sets, one of them by love.”

Court: “So why does he behave in this detestable manner?”

Fair: “Well, tennis players are different from you and me.”

Court: “Thank God for that. But I think the only guy I would let spit at me and get away with is Mike Tyson, not some little twerp with a two-handed backhand. This court finds that this country has lost the capacity for indignation. Or do you think the public will boo him?”

Fair: “Oh, no, sir, they’ll cheer him to the echo, make a hero of him. They see him as spitting in the face of the Establishment.”

Court: “Is he?”

Fair: “Sir, he is the Establishment. We’re just the butlers and the downstairs maids.”