What Is the Hurry to Determine No. 1?

Georgia Tech should be the No. 1-ranked team in college football.

I have never seen Georgia Tech play.

I don’t know anybody who has seen Georgia Tech play.

I can’t name anybody on the Georgia Tech team.

I can’t name anybody who ever played for Georgia Tech.

But fair is fair, and Georgia Tech is unbeaten, and everybody else is once-beaten or twice-beaten or oft-beaten, and Georgia Tech didn’t exactly play the easiest schedule in America, and that’s good enough for me.

Ranking Georgia Tech behind Colorado is just one more reason why college football is a farce.

Its championships and awards are a joke and should not be taken seriously.

Like gymnastics and figure skating, college football’s “national champion” is picked by a panel of judges. Teams are evaluated subjectively, with categories ranging from “presentation” to “degree of difficulty.”

I’m surprised somebody doesn’t get extra points for choice of music.

Why should Colorado be No. 1 at the moment over Georgia Tech?

What’s so special about Colorado?

Tied by Tennessee. Lost to Illinois. Lucked out against Missouri on the infamous “fifth down.” Won the Big Eight against an OK Oklahoma team and a Nebraska team that Oklahoma slaughtered.

Let’s at least see how Georgia Tech does against Nebraska in the Citrus Bowl, shall we?

Georgia Tech can’t help going to the Citrus. It’s in the Atlantic Coast Conference’s contract. Nobody could invite Georgia Tech to the Orange Bowl. Nobody from Notre Dame volunteered to come to the Citrus Bowl.

Don’t hold it against Georgia Tech that it has to play Nebraska.

Was ACC football any worse than Big Eight ball? Can you prove it? Did Tech defeat no worthy opponent this season? What about beating Virginia and Virginia Tech, which beat Virginia? Doesn’t that count for anything?

If the Yellow Jackets get their helmets handed to them by Nebraska, then call the winner of the Orange Bowl the national champion. Or give it to Texas, which has as strong a case to be No. 1 as Colorado does, if Texas takes the Cotton Bowl.

Let’s wait, let’s see and then let’s vote.

Speaking of which. . . .

Let’s vote for that Heisman Trophy now .

Anybody see Ty Detmer play for Brigham Young in that season-closer Saturday night at Hawaii?

He wiped out like a surfer.

A few hours after being awarded the Heisman, Detmer played the dog game of his life.

Don’t you think we might have at least waited until the season was over before voting?

I’m not saying Detmer didn’t deserve the trophy. But the season’s only 12 games long. What’s the bloody hurry? We watch baseball players for 162 games. The big awards are announced several weeks after the season ends. Does the Downtown Athletic Club have to return the trophy quickly or lose the deposit?

Big games were still being played Saturday--Alabama-Auburn, Texas-Texas A&M; and others. Brigham Young wasn’t done yet. Houston wasn’t done yet. Each school had a quarterback in the Heisman race. Was there some reason the trophy had to be handed out Dec. 1? Would it have killed somebody to wait two more weeks?

College football--what a concept.

Here are some new ways I have devised to decide the “national champion” and the Heisman Trophy:

A 900 phone line--Six women in zebra-skin leotards give out the number to call to place your vote. Jessica Hahn available as hostess. Only $2 per minute.

Advantages: Gets public involved. Unqualified media people don’t dominate polls. Equal access to all parts of United States because almost everybody has telephones except for Amish areas, which could hurt Penn State.

Disadvantages: Possibility of Stanford winning national championship thanks to computer hacker with absurd sense of humor. Possibility of Heisman going to cute dude named Brad popular with Orange County 900-line callers. Possibility of AT&T; being run by another of those Notre Dame types who turn up everywhere.

A postseason tournament--Top four teams in last weekly poll. Or: Top eight teams picked by NCAA committee. Or: Eight teams picked from lottery-like Ping-Pong ball hopper, with David Stern and Elgin Baylor regular participants.

Advantages: Ends arguments once and for all. Eliminates increasing number of nitwit bowl games with names like Sominex Siesta Bowl or Raid Ant, Roach & Boll Weevil Spray Cotton Bowl. Gives Brent Musburger even more to look at live.

Disadvantages: Extends football season to approximately April. Angers schools not invited to playoff, possibly leading to campus riots resembling 1960s. Offers no solution to Auburn coach continuing to play for tie, even in games Auburn is winning.

Punchout ballots--Works for All-Star games. Put teams on ballots. Put players on ballots. Get USA Today for sponsor. Get kids to distribute ballots in stadium aisles.

Advantages: Keeps paper industry happy. Gives crowd something to do at Houston games between touchdowns. Reveals which colleges have students capable of reading ballots.

Disadvantages: Leaves mess all over floor with little punched-out parts. Unfair to schools like Oregon State where paid attendance is around 700. Possibility of ballot-box stuffing by sneaky schools such as Oklahoma that will try anything, or extortion at schools like Miami where players are large and mean-looking.

I’m open to other suggestions.

TARNISHED: After winning the Heisman Trophy, quarterback Ty Detmer throws four interceptions and Brigham Young is routed by Hawaii, 59-28. C22