This Clipper Clapper Turns On, Turns Off

Just the other night, I went to see the Clippers play basketball, which is always a treat. For me, an evening at a Clipper game is exactly like a quiet, relaxing, romantic evening at home, except at home I don’t have hardwood floors.

Usually I prefer to watch the Clippers on TV, for four reasons: It saves oil from my motor and rubber from my tires at a time when America needs to conserve oil and rubber; the quality of Clipper telecasts is top-notch, as opposed to the quality of the Clippers; Mike Fratello’s colorful commentary makes the uninteresting interesting, and, along with “Cheers” and “The Simpsons,” the Clippers continue to be one of TV’s three funniest situation-comedies.

Duty calls, however, so I manage to drop in on a Clipper game every two months or so, just to see if they are eating solid foods and feeling any better. You know, to see how what size knee braces they are wearing. To see if their shoelaces are tied and if their shoes are pumped up with enough air. To see who is coaching them this week. This sort of thing.

You will be delighted or disappointed to discover, as I was, that the Clippers did not make a trade for Isiah Thomas at any time during the past few weeks, as was rumored. Isiah fits ideally into the patented Clipper system, being injured and out for the regular season the way he is.

I am particularly pleased, as a member of the team’s official fan club, the Clipper Clappers, to report that Ron Harper has reported back to active duty and that no other Clipper over the past few days has been spotted screaming: “I fell down and I can’t get up!”

Since joining the NBA, the Clippers have left more people lying on the ground than any public assembly since Woodstock. Lloyd’s of London is reluctant to insure automobile racers, radioactive-waste custodians and Clipper draft choices, not necessarily in that order. Donald Sterling’s family coat of arms is a blue cross and blue shield.

A pocket calculator tells me that, as of Saturday, those zany hoopsters of the Sports Arena have won 157 of 533 NBA games since moving from San Diego to Los Angeles. (In the transaction, San Diego got to keep U.S. International University and other funny players to be named later.)

Reaching further back in time, the Clippers have not had a winning record since 1978-79, have not made the playoffs since they were the Buffalo Braves and, after making those playoffs, proceeded to win 400 of their next 1,162 games, going into Saturday’s.

Every breath they take, every shot they make makes us proud to be a Clipper Clapper. Going to a Clipper game is like giving money to an orphanage. It makes you feel all warm and tingly inside. It lets them know you care. And it makes you feel that anything is possible, like Julia Roberts getting Richard Gere in the end. We all want to say we were there the day the Clippers turned good.

A true fan is proud to be even a small part of the Clippers’ latest five-year plan, which should carry them through 1995, at which time they will announce another five-year plan. What a revelation it is to realize that, after having nine first-round draft picks in the last four years, the Clippers’ best player is still Benoit Benjamin. Put that in your shoe and pump it.

Let it not be said that the Clippers have failed to make progress. As of this weekend, they had a season record better than that of all four expansion clubs. And they do believe, especially with Harper back, that they will still reach the playoffs, which would be in keeping with this franchise’s Wrong Place at the Wrong Time destiny, seeing as how 1991’s NBA instant-lotto jackpot is Shaquille O’Neal.

But what the heck. If the Clippers got O’Neal, he probably would tear his anterior cruciate or interior Cuisinart or posterior crustacean or whatever ligament it is they keep tearing. This is a team that lost Benjamin for about two weeks because he got a wisdom tooth pulled. This is a team that could lose somebody for two weeks with an injured headband.

Everybody wants the Clippers to win. We like the Clippers. They are quiet and never bother anybody. Their sneakers hardly squeak. They act interested even if nobody else on Earth does, as with Gary Grant’s charity tennis tournament. But I like the Clippers and always will. Nothing you can do can make me untrue to my guys.

A popularly suggested way of improving the Clippers is to trade Danny Manning. Well, I have two words to say to that: Bernard King. Some injuries take longer to heal than others. And the Clippers have a history of trading guys before their prime.

Under ordinary circumstances, we Clipper Clappers might appeal to management to trade Benoit Benjamin. But frankly, Ben Ben is worth more than before. And the Clippers must be cautious making trades, as opposed to, say, Seattle, which gave Xavier McDaniel to Phoenix for a cow and three magic beans, or Sacramento and Denver, which gave Danny Ainge and Walter Davis to Portland for two Pat Sajak gift certificates.

The new governor of the great state of California, the honorable Pete Wilson, recently stood before colleagues in the capitol building and promised that Sacramento would win an NBA championship by the end of his first term in office. This makes Gov. Pete a bold and brave governor, though not necessarily a goofy governor. He made no such guarantees on behalf of the Clippers.

You would think the Clippers would try something daring to change their luck. Change uniform colors. (Think pink.) Change their name. (Timberwolves is taken.) Change their address. (Orange County could use a laugh.) Change something. Man, these guys are only 16 championships away from catching Boston.