Dear Freddy, Redden Your Neck Just a Bit

All right, Miss Kelly, let’s take a letter to Freddy Couples, the golfer. Slug it, “Personal” but not “Confidential.” Address it to him at Riviera Country Club where he’s defending champion in the L.A. Open this week. They’ll have no trouble finding him. He’ll be the one saying, “You’re away” to the other guys all week. OK? Ready?

“Dear Boom Boom,

“Don’t get nervous. I’m not about to tell you where to put the V’s at address or when to pronate. The only thing I could teach anybody is the top shot or the all-purpose smother hook off the tee.

“But it has come to my attention that you are under considerable public criticism from your peers and the sporting press. Something to do with what they perceive as a lack of desire on your part. Tom Weiskopf, no less, has charged you with not having any goals in life--’Not one,’ I believe he has said. Others have complained that with your swing and build you should have been winning three times as many tournaments as you have.

“Well, Boom, four tournaments ain’t bad. Not too many guys out there have even picked up one yet.

“But I have been studying the problem, and I think I can spot where your trouble is. No, it’s not your takeaway. Your grip seems fine. Any guy who can shoot 67 at Riviera with a ball out of bounds as you did Thursday can sure putt all right.

“Freddy, your trouble is psychological. You’re going about the game all wrong. I can tell you in nine easy steps how to impress Weiskopf and the public with your will to win--and you don’t even have to win. Just follow these simple instructions:

“1. Throw your clubs. Heave your whole bag into a creek once in a while. Wrap your putter around a tree. Or slam it into the ground. On a green if necessary. Snap your driver in half or toss it to the winds. Check Tommy Bolt for form and distance.

“2. Fire your caddie. Berate him publicly. Tell him he couldn’t read a four-foot break with a magnifying glass. Tell everybody he could mis-club Ben Hogan, that he’s as useless on a green as standing water. Scream at him when you come over the top and miss a green, ‘How could you tell me that was a five-iron? Who you been caddying for, a gorilla?’

“3. If you have a poor round or miss a cut, blame (a) the greens; (b) the rough; (c) the architect; (d) the greenskeeper, the mowers, the crowd, the marshals, the traffic to the course or (e) all of the above. Say the grass was a quarter-of-an-inch too tall, the greens had too much bent grass or not enough bent grass. Suggest the course should have been kept a parking lot as it obviously once was. Tell them you’ll never play it again if you have to quit and go cut meat for a living.

“4. If you have a good round, say the course is one of the finest you have ever played, there should be more like it and you wonder why they wouldn’t consider putting the Open on it. Or at least the Ryder Cup.

“5. Frown a lot. It has come to my attention you walk around 18 holes like a kid going fishing. This will never do. Just remember, the gallery is your sworn enemy. Curse them now and again. When one of them gets through the ropes, say sarcastically those ropes are put there to protect the gallery from the rowdy golfers. This is a sure-fire putdown.

“6. Never admit you’re anything but invincible on a golf course. The other guys are playing for second place. I notice where you were quoted in the papers as admitting, ‘I don’t consider myself the greatest player in the world. . . . ‘ No, no, Boom Boom! Never! Always consider yourself the greatest player in the world, and if it weren’t for a set of lousy, stinking coincidences, everyone would know it. Jack Nicklaus just got a whole bunch of breaks. Imply Arnold Palmer’s swing is right off a driving range while yours makes Sam Snead’s look awkward. You think Jack Nicklaus ever thought there was anybody on the course better than he was? You think he thought there was anybody as good ? You think he thought anybody ever was as good? Not bloody likely. Self-doubts are for amateurs.

“7. When someone asks you when you are going to win a ‘major,’ fire back that majors are overrated. Say, ‘It’s just as hard to win a Kemper Open as the British Open.’ Remember, you have won a Kemper Open but not a British. Pooh-pooh the Masters. ‘Just a putting contest,’ tell the press. ‘I prefer the courses where you have to think.’

“8. Look intense but not worried. Wear a white cap like Hogan. Practice that glare down the fairway like Nicklaus or that round-eyed look Raymond Floyd gets when he’s in the zone. You got to look down a fairway as if it were a guy who owes you money. I’ve been studying you and you look down one as if it were a girl you were about to ask to dance.

“9. Get mean, cantankerous, antisocial. Never play a course that doesn’t suit your game. If things go bad on a round, don’t hesitate to pick up and stalk off the course. Say you got a migraine or heard thunder (even if there’s not a cloud in the sky). Just remember, Weiskopf once got flu in the sandtrap on No. 2 at Riviera. I think he was lying four at the time and was looking at a double or triple bogey. That’ll give you flu every time. Double-bogeys are a leading cause of flu on the tour. Tommy just walked out of the trap and into his car and out of there. A ‘WD’ is a sure cure for flu. Your grandmother can tell you that. I see where you had a ‘twinge’ in your back when you shot your 67 Thursday. That’s good thinking. Always keep a twinge in reserve. You never know when you’ll need it--in a sandtrap lying four, for instance.

“Well, Freddy, follow these simple guidelines and procedures and I’ll guarantee you no one will ever accuse you of not being a competitor any more. Your reputation will be secure. You will become a redneck competitor with the best of them. You won’t even have to win tournaments. That’s the beauty of this program. I don’t think Jack Nicklaus or Arnold Palmer or Hogan ever threw a club in their lives. But Jack won 70 tournaments, Ben 63, and Arnold 60. You don’t have to throw clubs if you win that often. It’s when you don’t win that you have to show you hate losing.

“Get to be a jerk. If you have trouble getting the hang of it, go get some old John McEnroe tapes. Being a slob is always a sure-fire substitute for being a winner. Glower more.

“But don’t expect it to solve your relationship. Now, they say, ‘Look at Freddy Couples--all that talent but he’s too easy-going.’ Change, become a red-eye and they’ll say, ‘Look at Freddy Couples--all that talent but he lets his temper get in his way.’ Maybe the best thing to do is win 30 tournaments--and a British Open. Then they’ll say the best way to win at golf is not to care whether you do or not--look at Freddy Couples.”