COMMENTARY : Keeping Pace With the NCAA Tournament

Pardon me if it seems like I’m racing through this. I’m just trying to keep pace with that first, furious week of the NCAAs. Forty-eight games in 96 hours. Wow. Sleep deprivation sets in, and it all begins to blur: Deano and Massimino; the Huskies and the Muskies; Porter, Shorter, Barone, Zamboni. Forget about all the teams--just keeping the announcers straight was a struggle. There were eight separate pair. I heard every one except Curt Gowdy and Hannibal Lechter. I wish I had one coherent column to write, but CBS cut from game to game so quick, all I’ve got is fragments. So. ...

I’m real worried about George Ackles’s foot. We haven’t gotten an update on it in more than 30 minutes now. This kid’s foot sprain got more coverage on CBS than the fall of the Berlin Wall. I’m surprised they didn’t pre-empt “60 Minutes” for continuous Ackles footage.

What is the story with all these assistant coaches? This must be the growth industry in college basketball. Every time they cut to a sideline shot, there’re 27 guys in suits. Where do they have the pregame meal, Kuppenheimer’s?

And speaking of crowds on the pine, exactly how many players does El Deano have on scholarship, 39? They don’t need a bench, they need a Greyhound Bus.

Sure is great to see Billy Packer making an extra buck hawking cars. (Memo to Chris Berman: I told ya, babe, the big freelance dollars are in automobiles, not helmet-cams. You put a tin can on your head, people think you’re a bozo.) Can’t wait for Billy to wear a Century 21 blazer at halftime.

I’ve already seen enough of “The Antagonists,” thank you.

What do you think Bobby Knight did in the locker room that inspired Indiana to outscore Florida State, 21-2, in the first 10 minutes of the second half?

a) Threw lawn furniture at Damon Bailey;

b) Brought in the usual crew -- Havlicek, Bench, Buckner -- plus Regis and Kathie Lee to give his players a pep talk;

c) Chewed up a picture of John Feinstein;

d) Threatened to smother every one of his players in his ratty red sweater.

Speaking of the red sweater, Knight’s hoot-couture seems to be catching on. North Carolina State’s Les Robinson wears one too. Maybe Looie Carnesecca ought to try it; that tan sweater with the red and green doo-dads he’s wearing in the tournament looks like something from the Schwartzkopf Arabian collection.

More on the clothing kick: It’s a shame Temple won’t get to play Villanova. I’d like to see who sheds more clothes, John Chaney or Rollie Massimino. Chaney came out against Richmond perfectly tailored. Five minutes into the game he had loosened his tie. By halftime, his jacket was off. With four minutes to go he’d completely undone his tie and unbuttoned his shirt -- which was mostly hanging out of his pants as he stomped along the sideline. This is with a 10-point lead. If the game goes overtime, Chaney might have to borrow a bathrobe. Rollie has a similar reputation for mussing up on the sideline. After a game he looks like an unmade bed.

Is it just me, or would anyone else like to see what would have happened had Alonzo Mourning played 35 minutes against UNLV? Or what would have happened if he’d been able to get out from the jail in front of the scorer’s table? I take back everything I said about the Hoyas being borderline for the tournament. They were to Vegas what Princeton was to them two years ago. Moral victories may not feed the bulldog at Georgetown, but wasn’t it nice for a change to hear the ring of cheers on the road?

One hundred bucks if you can name the coach at Eastern Michigan.

That “Four Corners” split screen is fabulous -- if you’ve got seven heads. Who do they think is watching, The Fly?

People who rhapsodize about El Deano’s freshmen making the difference seem to forget that seniors Rick Fox, Pete Chilcutt and King Rice play 30 minutes a game.

Separated at birth: Rick Majerus-Jon Miller. Mike Francesa-Jimmy The Greek.

How can Tom Penders always come up with such a good tan at tournament time? Where does he watch game films, under a sun lamp?

Why in Heaven’s name was Michigan State taking 2s, down 3 with less than 20 seconds to play?

Is that pay-per-call 900-number “Tournament Hotline” CBS’s way of making up the shortfall from baseball?

Kenny Anderson, eight for 28; Rodney “Oops, I Think The Ice Is Melting” Monroe, four for 16. What did they do, take a remedial shooting course at Georgetown?

And a closing note about Bill Walton, who makes Rick Barry look like Mother Teresa. Walton got all over Pittsburgh and Paul Evans for not fouling when they were behind Kansas by more than 10 points with about one minute to play. Walton all but called them quitters. But Walton’s hairy-chested strategy would have just senselessly lengthened a game that was over. With the new rule awarding two shots upon the 10th foul, the old Jimmy V make-em-sink-the-one-and-one solution is dead.

It’s amusing that Walton’s now part of the media he treated so insufferably for so long. Countless times Walton sat in a locker room and regarded the press like a pack of monkeys, refusing to give the kind of expert analysis he’s eager to disgorge now. For almost 20 years Walton didn’t say word one, and all of a sudden he’s Bill Moyers. Is this a great country, or what?