Time to Do Some Serious Spring Cleaning of the Old Mail Box

Letters I have been meaning to write . . .

Dear Bruce Hurst:

It’s nice to see Padre pitchers getting tough with those nasty Giants, especially after what Jeff Brantley did to Benito Santiago last year.

Kevin Mitchell hits a second home run in as many nights and then you go after him. First, you brush him back and incur his wrath. Not to be intimidated, you come right back at him and zing him in the foot.

Truly, this was a gentlemanly and safe place to send a message. No high and inside stuff here. But it did not keep a rather perturbed Mr. Mitchell from paying you a visit on the mound.

It’s about that visit. You don’t just stand there! Geez. This guy makes Mike Tyson look like a jockey and you stand there! It looked like a bowling ball hitting a head pin, and you know which you were.

Pitching tough and tight is fine, but maybe you ought to borrow Billy Joe Tolliver’s flak jacket.

Dear Bobby Beathard:

I agree. I wouldn’t consider drafting a quarterback, either. Just because Saddam Hussein had a better air attack than the Chargers doesn’t mean the quarterback had anything to do with it.

After all, you already had Billy Joe Tolliver and John Friesz and now you have added Bob (The Second G Is Silent) Gagliano. You’re obviously overstocked.

The only suggestion I would make is that you consider hiring Stormin’ Norman Schwarzkopf as your offensive coordinator.

Dear Tom Werner:

You have to do something about all the owners gathering around the batting cage. They are ruining the writers’ images.

One of the new Padres looked around the other evening, nudged a teammate and said: “The writers sure dress well in this town.”

See what I mean?

Tell the players that the guys with the notebooks are the writers and the guys with the checkbooks are the owners.

Dear Ron Newman:

You have to be bloody petrified about now. Here the MSL playoffs have started and your Sockers are lollygagging around the beach. No, I know they didn’t get left out. They did so well they have a first-round bye.

What’s more, you have no controversies, no internal strife, no ripples at all.

This has hardly been the Sockers’ formula for success.

You want to see if Jack Clark is available?

Dear Hudson and Bauer:

Hey, yo, Mac and Joe! How goes it?

Heard you had some nice things to say about my opening day column. I would have been tuned in, but I was in my fourth grade music appreciation class.

I would like to correct you on the number of people who read these pearls of wisdom. You said 10? Wrong! I almost added you guys to my list and came up with 12, but I suspect your show’s Mother Butterbreast read it to you. I’ll settle for 11.

And thanks for the song dedication.

What was it? “You Don’t Send Me Flowers”?

Dear Burt Grossman:

In 186,372,025 words or less, would you tell me what you think of the idea of becoming a backup defensive lineman. I’ll send Kevin Mitchell to carry your reply.

Dear Al Luginbill:

Let me see if I understand this. You insist there is a quarterback controversy on your San Diego State football team?

The whole world knows Cree Morris will be your starting quarterback next fall, but you maintain the quarterback question is multiple choice. Who else is a candidate? Dan McGwire (or Dan Fouts) have some eligibility left?

Most football coaches discourage quarterback controversies, arguing that they are created by the undernourished brains of sports writers and talk show hosts.

Isn’t this a silly reversal? You insisting there is and I insisting there isn’t?

Dear Fernando Valenzuela:

The rap on you is that you can’t get anybody out any more? Keep an eye on the Padres, baby, because it looks to me like they have a couple of spots on that staff where getting anybody out is not part of the job description.

It sure would make sense to at least take a look at you.

Dear Fred Miller:

Let me walk you through this . . .

Your basketball coach enters 1990-91 with three consecutive losing seasons . . . the 1990-91 team finishes 13-16 . . . the basketball coach already has two years remaining on his contract . . .

And you extend him another year!

I can’t wait to see what happens if Jim Brandenburg ever gets SDSU basketball into the NCAA playoffs, but I know it will have far-reaching ramifications. I can imagine, for example, Rickey Henderson holding out because he wants a contract as good as the SDSU basketball coach is getting.