It’s Near Chaos in Far-Out East

Anybody following the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs must be asking himself or herself certain questions today.

Among them:

--How is Larry Bird, old parquet face?

Larry gave his patented head fake to the Indiana Pacers in Game 5 of their recent series. Lulling the loudmouthed Pacers into a state of overconfidence, Bird dribbled himself on the floor of Boston Garden, went to the locker room with a bad case of waxy yellow buildup, then returned heroically to wipe up the hardwood with his old homeboys from Indiana.

The man can do it all. He is being pulled apart like a Slinky. He checks into a hospital with an aching back. He leaves a game with a face full of splinters. Before long, the Birdman undoubtedly will pull the old “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” trick on Detroit.

Even though he couldn’t play Tuesday night, Larry Bird is like a professional wrestler. He gets down on his knees, begs the opponents not to hurt him anymore, then nails ‘em when their backs are turned. Congratulations to Larry, and also to Chuck Person, who continues as the NBA’s league leader in talking more while doing less.

--How is Isiah (I Can Play This Game With One Hand Tied Behind My Back) Thomas?

Well, the Detroit Pistons still have a chance to pull that Three-Peat that eluded the Lakers, now that Isiah is back playing with that bowling glove or oven mitt or whatever that thing is on his hand.

The Pistons might or might not still be the NBA’s best team, but they are definitely the weirdest-looking.

Phantom of the Palace, Bill Laimbeer wears some sort of Plexiglass face shield, making him look like some sort of evil warlord. Darth Laimbeer. Dennis Rodman’s barber, meanwhile, carved the word “Trilogy” into Rodman’s scalp. Kids, don’t try this at home.

The Pistons have two disadvantages in the playoffs. One, they are getting old. And two, the home-court advantage goes to Boston, where the Celtics know every inch of the court like the backs of their heads.

--Is Charles Barkley still the spitting image of his old self?

First-row fans will be bringing umbrellas to Game 3 of Philadelphia’s series against Chicago, just in case Charles has any trouble with hecklers. Last time Barkley got booed, he spat on a little girl, then apologized because he had meant to spit on somebody else.

Oh, and after that, everybody in Pennsylvania went out and bought some Right Guard deodorant, inspired by Barkley’s “Anything else would be uncivilized” commercial.

The 76ers are getting whipped not by Michael Jordan but by Chicago’s centers, which is truly embarrassing, considering Chicago’s centers. Rick Mahorn has poured in two points in two games. Manute Bol had one rebound and blocked no shots in Monday’s game, exactly the kind of game every coach dreams of getting from a 7-foot-7 player.

As Abe Lemons would have put it, Manute blocked one more shot than a dead man.

--Is Michael Jordan the whole air show or just the pilot?

Michael puts the “go” in Chicago. He doesn’t have to spend the whole game looking to lob the ball inside to some big lug beneath the basket. Jordan just goes for it.

More importantly, though, two great things have happened to Air Jordan.

One is that Scottie Pippen has become Near Jordan. This guy is so good, teams can’t concentrate on just stopping Michael.

The other is “the Bill and Will Show,” as alternating centers Bill Cartwright and Will Perdue are being called here. They are surprisingly effective. Perdue is playing the best ball of his life, and Cartwright not only is playing well, he hasn’t punched a hole in anybody’s eye socket with his elbow in weeks.

It remains to be seen, though, what will happen in Boston, where the Bulls always have trouble against the Celtics, or in Detroit, where Joe Dumars is one guy who has Jordan’s number. Chicago’s big advantage is its home stadium, the loudest arena since lions used Christians for a salad bar.

--Will Pat Riley coach the Knicks?

I know, New York is out of the playoffs. But with Riley as coach, the Knicks might still be alive.

Advantages to Riley’s taking the job include: (1) He and Ewing could become the “Pat and Pat Show.” (2) He might disprove to the public, a la Sparky Anderson, the old “Anybody could have won with that team” theory. (3) He would escape Bob Costas, who has gone bonkers with this one-on-one basketball gag.

Disadvantages include: (1) Leaving the Lakers for the Knicks is a little like leaving a Madonna concert to go watch a Jerry Lewis movie on TV. (2) The only person who should risk saying, “Yes” in New York is Marv Albert. (3) The image of Pat Riley standing before the Forum’s visiting bench is like picturing Magic Johnson finishing his career with the Pistons.