This Team Might Win a Pennant for Oscar

I keep reading about a Hollywood movie being made about women who play baseball. It’s called, “A League of Their Own.”

Penny Marshall is the director, I do know that. Last I heard, Debra Winger dropped out of the cast, and Madonna had a small part, which might be the first small part Madonna has ever had.

I know very little else about it, including whether or not the person on first base is called the first baseperson, or whether any men in the movie attempt to get to first base with her.

I don’t know if the team is called the San Diego Madres.

I don’t know if anybody sings, “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.”

I don’t know if any of the players will be rude to a male sportswriter inside the locker room.

But I’ll bet that somewhere in the first half-hour of the picture, there will be a joke about somebody breaking a fingernail.

Having seen “Big” and “Awakenings,” however, one thing I do know for sure is that Penny Marshall is a hell of a director. She’s in a league of her own.

I also know that I could be a big help to her with one essential element of this movie.

Casting.

If the director hasn’t hired all her actresses yet, I am prepared to lend my baseball expertise to the cause, making recommendations on whom she should use at every position.

I’ve got my lineup card out, so here goes:

FIRST BASE: Geena Davis

The classy, lanky star of “Thelma and Louise.” Looks as though she has a nice stretch. Don’t know if she is right-handed or left-handed, but I picture Davis with a smooth, fluid fielding motion and an uppercut swing at home plate, striking out a little too much but definitely capable of ripping line drives into the gaps.

SECOND BASE: Holly Hunter

A little scrapper. Always hustling, perpetual-motion type, as in “Broadcast News.” Lots of infield chatter, I figure. Quick as a bunny around the bag. Adroit at avoiding those hard slides by runners trying to break up the double play. Probably a good little bunter, Brett Butler style. Hunter the bunter. I see her batting leadoff and swiping 30 or 40 bases.

SHORTSTOP: Demi Moore

Tough. Not afraid to get her uniform soiled. Good with her hands, as evidenced in pottery scenes from “Ghost.” Nimble fingers. Take-charge kind of player. Serious, maybe even a little moody. Charges mound when she’s knocked down. Usually wins the

fight. Kicks dirt on umpires.

THIRD BASE: Whoopi Goldberg

More substance than style. Sleeves up, shirt-tail out, more concerned about performance than appearance. Chaw of tobacco inside jaw. Popular. Clubhouse practical joker. Digs in at plate, bats third, good power to all fields. Eyesight not so hot.

CATCHER: Roseanne Barr

Excuse me, Roseanne Arnold. Recent name change, keeping uniform seamstress busy. Seasoned, sinewy, Yogi type. Specializes in distracting batters from behind home plate. Salty language. Spits and grabs crotch a lot. Always cleans plate. Good No. 6 hitter with plenty of power but absolutely no speed. Makes Babe Ruth look like Jesse Owens. What they call a battler. Forced by teammates to take showers by herself, because she sings.

LEFT FIELD: Glenn Close

Team player rep. Smart, savvy veteran. Boggs-like ability to take two strikes and be patient, waiting for pitch. Explosive temper. Particularly feared by teammates’ husbands. One player arriving for postgame meal in clubhouse found team mascot cooked in pot of boiling water. Signed as free agent, gives all, prefers pinstripes.

CENTER FIELD: Madonna

Covers a lot of territory. Fast on her feet. Can dominate a game like nobody around. Always leads team prayer. Changes uniform shirt between every inning. Plenty of hits. Great range. Usually holds out for more money and incentives; kind of a material girl. Fiery former Detroit prospect, played in Japan.

RIGHT FIELD: Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio

Spitfire. Dependable. Works at her craft. A player’s player. Somebody you’d gladly make sacrifices for, in Sherwood Forest or any place else. Coming off a real low point, an abyss, but currently having a big year. Takes her hacks. Bats fifth, good head on her shoulders, occasional trouble stuffing hair under cap.

STARTING PITCHER: Meryl Streep

Lots of interesting mannerisms. Can change pitches, speeds, deliveries as quickly as anyone. Tireless in practice, excellent student of the game, managerial prospect. Seen as almost too smart by some who think she thinks too much. But makes it look effortless, works hard, usually gets the decision. Underpaid.

RELIEF PITCHER: Paula Abdul

Good form. Brings heat.

Possible lineup changes could be in store, of course, by the time Manager Jessica Tandy gets driven to the ballpark.