Kings Promise to Be Well-Oiled Machine

Ring . . . ring. . . .

“Good morning! Edmonton Oilers! . . . Oh, it’s you again. . . . Hang on, I’ll see if he’s in.”

Bzzz . . . bzzz. . . .

“Yes?”

“Sorry to disturb you, sir, but I’ve got the L.A. Kings on the line.”

“What, again? “

“I’m afraid so.”

“How many days in a row does this make it?”

“Every day for the last three years, sir.”

“What do they want from me now?”

“You’ll have to ask them that, sir.”

“OK, put them through.”

Ring. . . .

“Bruce! Baby! Long time no hear! What’s it been, 24 hours?”

“Sorry to bother you.”

“Since when? Is Wayne there?”

“Of course.”

“Let’s put him on the speaker phone. Hi, Wayne.”

“Hi.”

“Won any Stanley Cups lately? Sorry, just kidding.”

“Funny.”

“What can I do for you two, as if I didn’t know?”

“We were thinking of a trade.”

“No! Really? A trade between the Oilers and the Kings? Boy, I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t think we have anybody left. We’ve already sent all our players to Los Angeles.”

“Come on.”

“About all we could do is send you back some of the players you’ve already sent us.”

“Be serious.”

“OK, Bruce, what’s the offer du jour ?”

“Well, we’re interested in Grant Fuhr.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s a good goalie.”

“But you’ve already got a good goalie.”

“Yes, but he never played for Edmonton.”

“I see.”

“We’ll trade you Kelly Hrudey for Grant Fuhr, straight up.”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Grant Fuhr straight up.”

“Funny. Is it a deal?”

“Mmmm, I don’t know. Why should we?”

“Because we’ll throw in two more players and two draft picks.”

“Mmmm. . . .”

“And a horse Wayne and I own.”

“Well, OK. You get Fuhr, I get Hrudey and the horse. Is that it?”

“Wait.”

“I figured.”

“Luc Robitaille! Name ring a bell?”

“Vaguely.”

“Robitaille for Mark Messier, straight up.”

“McNall, you know that stuff your horse leaves in barns?”

“Luc’s young. Mark’s an old guy, like Wayne. Sorry, Wayne.”

“Forget it.”

“OK, it was worth a shot. How about Robitaille, Tomas Sandstrom and Tom Webster for Messier?”

“Tom Webster?”

“You need a coach, don’t you?”

“We just hired one.”

“Oh. Forget Webster then. Robitaille, Sandstrom and Bob Kudelski for Messier?”

“Wait, Bruce. Didn’t we already trade Kudelski?”

“I don’t think so, Wayne. I think we traded Todd Elik, didn’t we?”

“I don’t know. Who can keep track?”

“Yeah, I think we traded Elik. So how about it--Robitaille, Sandstrom and Kudelski for Messier?”

“I suppose we could do that.”

“Or I could throw in 50 or 60 million cash if you need it.”

“No, thanks anyway.”

“OK, what other Oilers do you have?”

“Why?”

“Because we want them all.”

“Why?”

“Because Wayne feels more comfortable playing with them.”

“And?”

“And because we’d like to win a hockey championship before Hell freezes over.”

“OK, tell me again who we’ve got playing for you now?”

“Gretzky, Jari Kurri, Charlie Huddy, Marty McSorley. . . . “Wayne, I forget. Do we have Paul Coffey or does Edmonton?”

“Pittsburgh.”

“Oh, that’s right. Pittsburgh. Remind me to call Pittsburgh later and trade for Paul Coffey.”

“Will do, Bruce.”

“Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah. We want everybody who plays for the Edmonton Oilers. What do you want for them?”

“Gretzky.”

“Funny. What else you want?”

“What else you got?”

“Larry Robinson.”

“Too old.”

“Rob Blake.”

“Too young.”

“Steve Duchesne.”

“Already traded.”

“Rocket Ismail.”

“Plays football.”

“All right, already. Do you still have Jimmy Carson?”

“No.”

“That’s OK, I’ll get him from somebody else. You still got Bill Ranford?”

“Yes.”

“Good. We’ll take Ranford.”

“But Ranford’s a goalie! Why do you want another goalie?

“Because he’s yours !”

“Oh.”

“We want everybody who ever played for Edmonton! We want everybody who’s ever visited Edmonton! We want your Zamboni!”

“Anything you say, Bruce.”

“Call you again tomorrow!”

“I know you will.”