A Tip to Restaurants: Don’t Be Rude

Tired of hearing a waiter’s life story, but not the prices of the specials? Of waiting 40 minutes for a table after being assured you’d wait 10? Of having the entree arrive with the query: “Who’s got the fricassee of squab?”

You may have reached the same conclusion as a growing number of restaurateurs and diners: Dining out can mean stressing out.

Restaurant service often is an oxymoron, according to restaurant experts Peter Jones and Peter A. Jones.

“The traditional focus on food as the key variable in the dining-out experience hides the fact that dining out is first and foremost a social event, (not) an activity geared toward reducing hunger,” the Joneses, who are unrelated, write in an article in the Cornell Hotel and Restaurant Administration Quarterly.

Indeed, one study found that an individual’s dining experience is influenced by 60 different factors. “Food is just one factor,” says Peter A. Jones. “A lot of restaurateurs get it wrong because they concentrate too much on that.”

Which may explain why many diners leave restaurants muttering about frosty maitre d’s, elusive waiters and stone-fingered busboys. Menus without English, wine lists that don’t list the cheaper house wines, ice water served in glasses warm from the dishwasher--don’t get us started!

Allen J. Bernstein, head of the company that owns the Morton’s of Chicago steak houses, has compiled his own menu of real-life service snafus:

* A group of diners was being led to a table next to some boisterous diners, so they asked to be seated instead at another empty table. “No,” the captain replied, “that’s a VIP reserved table.” What, they wondered, does that make us?

* A diner complained that the food wasn’t fresh, so the waiter took the plate back to the kitchen. When he returned he set it back down, saying: “The chef tasted it. He took a few bites and he says it’s fine.”

* One diner ordered a diet soda before dinner, the second a glass of brand-name spring water, the third a glass of ice water. That last order prompted the waiter to sneer: “Plain New York City tap water?”

* Bernstein called an expensive restaurant to reserve a table for 10 for his wife’s surprise birthday party and asked the restaurant to supply the cake. The restaurant “didn’t do things like that,” he was told--but feel free to bring your own.

Notes Bernstein: “It’s difficult to surprise your wife when you leave the house with one arm around her and the other around a large cake.”

He, at least, is a veteran; truly piteous are relatively informal or inexperienced diners.

The novices must ponder a host of unappetizing questions, convinced all the while that every eye in the room is on them.

Does the maitre d’ get a tip? (Only from regulars.)

What is bechamel sauce? (A white sauce.)

Which fork is the fish fork? (Who’s watching?)

These questions lead naturally to another one: Why pay for the privilege of being intimidated, frustrated and confused?

Suzanne Tinley, a restaurant consultant, says many restaurateurs don’t realize how much poor service costs them because “people don’t say anything about it; they just don’t come back.”

Although the recession is forcing some restaurants to cut back on staff, many also are trying harder to serve, and some restaurant and cooking schools are offering whole courses on service.

Most restaurants focus on their waiters, who Tinley calls “the chief marketing tool for your menu.” A good waiter adjusts to the patron; if you’re unsure of the menu or restaurant etiquette, the waiter guides you through with suggestions and generally puts you at ease. You feel he or she is there to help you, not judge you.

But bad service is no more likely to disappear than bad weather, so consider this advice from Tinley:

“You see plates thrown at people like Frisbees, but rarely do you see Americans not leaving a tip,” she said. “If they’re really dissatisfied, they’ll still leave 13%. Don’t do it!”