Lansford Yearns for Boot Camp

They are out there, dragging their feet, missing the point, shirking their responsibilities, not getting the job done.

Mike Lansford knows who they are.

Eddie Murray of Detroit. “Eddie’s not having a good camp,” Lansford reports.

Rich Karlis of Atlanta. “He’s missed a few PATs.”

Jim Breech of Cincinnati. “He’s been struggling a little bit.”

Shank a field goal?

Lansford has your name.

Short-leg a kickoff?

Lansford pulls out pen and paper.

“I feel like a vulture,” Lansford says, “picking over the bones of NFL placekickers. I’m watching every damn, boring exhibition game that’s televised . . .

“It’s sickening. I’m actually sitting here, hoping for other people to fail.”

Lansford never thought they’d put him in the ghoul squad, spending August weekends on the living room sofa with remote control in hand and a singular thought in mind: Feet, please fail them now.

But at age 33, he has been placed here, first by the Rams, who re-assigned their all-time leading scorer to Plan B last winter, and then the Cleveland Browns, who signed Lansford, ran him through a physical and, minutes later, ran him out the door.

“I was a Cleveland Brown for all of about one hour,” he says.

Lansford failed what he calls “the longest physical in my life” after cruising through shorter versions with the Phoenix Cardinals and Atlanta Falcons. So what was the problem? Actually, there were two, Lansford says--”the knee surgery I had in ’83 and the fact that I tore my calf muscle last year. They docked me for both of those, although the knee hasn’t bothered me for years. It just sounded too convenient to me.”

The torn calf muscle, though, was a real enough issue. Lansford hurt his left leg--the leg he plants and pushes with--in Tampa as he delivered the first kickoff of the Rams’ second game of 1990. Lansford hobbled through the rest of the season--and the Rams with him. His kickoffs mutated into pop-ups. His field-goal percentage, a marksman-like 74% through his first eight NFL seasons, slumped to 63% (15 for 24). For the first time in his career, he missed nine field goals in a single season, going a gimpy three for nine between 40 and 49 yards.

The Rams finished 5-11 and responded in typical, only-in-Anaheim fashion.

They fired their kicker.

As you might imagine, Lansford has many opinions about this decision, but the really good stuff will have to wait until he finds another roster spot or a publisher. Whichever comes first.

“My book will express the true intimacy of how I feel,” he says. The book has been in the works for several years, but now it has a hook, if a bit jagged.

“I’ve filed all the incidents away,” he says by way of warning.

At the moment, Lansford doesn’t want to say much, finding himself in the Mike Port nether-region where words today might jeopardize career opportunities tomorrow.

“I’ve got the bridge mined,” he says with a laugh, “but I don’t want to blow it up just yet.”

For the record, Lansford allows that he is “disappointed to be driven out after an injury-filled year.” He believes he’s paying now for trying to play hurt, because he now knows the best way to heal a torn calf muscle.

“Don’t kick,” Lansford says.

“Looking back, I should have gone on the IR (injured reserve). I rested the leg after the season, and it’s fine now . . .

“I guess I’m a little disappointed the Rams didn’t take that into consideration and just seemed to base their decision on the statistics.” But, he adds, “rational thinking does not abound in that organization right now.”

Lansford is biding time during this uncelebrated summer with thrice-a-week workouts at Esperanza High School with newly deposed Ram punter Keith English. “An old retired kicker’s home,” Lansford calls it. “When the guillotine struck Keith, I had him come out and join me. So it’s a morning of kicking and an afternoon of golf.”

Lansford has also branched out into the semi-real world, co-hosting a syndicated cable talk show for SportsChannel. He would seem genetically groomed for the assignment--Lansford talks as good a game as he kicks, and he can do it barefooted or in Top-Siders--but as a rookie last November, he made the cut only by the grace of videotape.

“For the first show, we had Jim Everett on, and I’m thinking, ‘Jim’s a friend of mine, this is going to be a breeze,’ ” Lansford says. “It turned out to be a major pain. I was very, very, very nervous. We turned what normally is a one-hour shoot into seven hours, basically because of my inability to put a sentence together and ask a decent question. I was horrible.”

Overdubbing works only on SmogPro commercials, so Lansford had to keep digging in. By his own admission, he has greatly improved. By Roy Firestone’s admission as well. Thursday, Lansford auditions for the role of pro football analyst on Firestone’s “Up Close” program.

Lansford reveals this, though, only with a neon asterisk.

“In no way, shape or form does this mean I’m done with football,” he says. “I think I have two, four, five years left. Right now, I’m seeing some good, solid kicking from some guys getting up there (in age). Look at Pat Leahy. He gets better and better each year.”

Lansford would know.

He knows them all.

Monday, for instance, appeared to be the break Lansford was awaiting. The Houston Oilers cut two veteran kickers, Teddy Garcia and Raul Allegre, and Lansford’s agent has been “in constant contact” with the Oilers all summer.

“But,” Lansford says, “they signed a guy last week. Ian Howfield. He had a real good game last week, so I guess that warrants him another effort.”

Back to the checklist.

Buffalo.

Suddenly, there’s a lilt in Lansford’s voice.

“I’m very interested in what Buffalo does,” he says. “I know Scott Norwood is a sentimental favorite there, but he only missed the biggest kick in the history of football.

“The Buffalo Bills are the best team in football, they are Super Bowl champions-- if he makes that kick. So I’m looking for something to happen there.”

Lansford would like you to know this is not the way he normally gets his kicks. But until he does, it’s the only option he has.