Let’s Get Walt Disney’s ‘Little Mermaid’ Into the Fray

Tuna tort.

Sorry Van Camp, I just don’t see it your way.

You’re a San Diego company, and my instinct is to back you in all battles with outsiders.

I’ve reviewed the documents in your lawsuit filed last week in federal court in San Diego: Van Camp Seafood Co. vs. Starkist Seafood Co. of Long Beach.

You say Premia, the new mermaid advertising symbol for Starkist, is a rip-off of your longtime unnamed mermaid advertising symbol.

You say Premia looks so similar to your mermaid that she “is likely to cause confusion, to cause mistake and to deceive.”

You say this is unfair tuna competition and theft of tuna trademark, and you want a judge to can Premia.

Your mermaid has been your symbol since 1952. You want to protect her; I respect corporate gallantry.

But anyone who would confuse your mermaid with Premia would also confuse Daryl Hannah (the mermaid in “Splash”) with Mae West.

Both are blond and enticing. After that, it’s all different.

Your mermaid--who I wish had a name--is young, innocent, vulnerable, quiet, a lithe figure with only a hint of chest. Her slender arms are bare.

Premia is older, heavier, bustier and wears false eyelashes, heavy lipstick and long white evening gloves. She’s mouthy.

Everything about her says: This is an experienced mermaid. She puts her hand on her hip when she talks.

When it comes to sex appeal, the Van Camp mermaid hints, but Premia delivers.

I give you Exhibit D, filed in the lawsuit: a transcript of a new TV commercial for Starkist.

It shows Premia standing at the piano bar and singing to Charlie, the reject tuna:

Premia: “It’s true. All tunas are not created equal.”

Charlie: “Hey, let’s not get personal.”

Premia: “Sorry, Charlie. It’s premium chunk light.”

Charlie: “From Starkist.”

Would Van Camp’s virginal mermaid engage in such double-entendre banter?

I don’t think so.

Takes Two to Tangle

Great moments in political discourse.

Carlsbad attorney-activist Thomas William Smith is pursuing a complaint against Oceanside City Manager John Mamaux at the Fair Political Practices Commission.

He accuses Mamaux of conflicts of interest while on the Carlsbad City Council, which Mamaux denies.

Last week, Smith added to his complaint a declaration that purports to be a verbatim account of a recent conversation he had with Mamaux when the two found themselves on the same sidewalk:

Smith: “Hi, John, how’s it going?”

Mamaux: “Bleep you. I hope your bleeping legs fall off.”

Smith: “Nice to hear from ya, John.”

Mamaux: “I’ll get even, and when I do I’m really goin’ to get even.”

Smith: “Can I quote ya on that, John?”

Mamaux: “Bleep you.”

Mamaux declines to discuss the conversation, except to say it would be foolish for him to threaten Smith, who is taller, bigger and 20 years younger:

“Mr. Smith has been harassing me for six years. I pray for him. He should get a life.”

Say, What?

More and more.

* Star-crossed fetus.

Astrologer Toni Glover will tell the San Diego Astrological Society how your fate is sealed by the deployment of heavenly bodies during your mother’s pregnancy.

Her title: “Mom, Dad, Romeo and Juliet.”

* Postal authorities are warning San Diego businesses to be on guard for a con man claiming to be a Nigerian prince/chief/doctor seeking “investments.”

The scam has been successful elsewhere.

* North County bumper sticker: “Love Plants, Don’t Eat Them.”

A militant meat-eater?

* Things I’m not sorry I missed:

The tofu Swiss steak during San Diego’s just passed Organically Grown Week.