Big Season a Big Relief for McGriff : Padres: First baseman acknowledges he felt the heat during slow start last spring. But a 31-homer, 106-RBI season allayed his fear.

Padre first baseman Fred McGriff’s smile only camouflaged pain and anguish.

“I can’t tell you how how bad I felt,” McGriff said of his first two months with the Padres. “I never had it so rough. There were times I wondered if it would ever get better.

“There were so many sleepless nights, so much pressure, I hated coming to practice each day.”

For the first time, McGriff says, he can finally talk about a time of his life when he thought for sure his worries would cause ulcers.

“I can’t tell you how much more relaxed and at ease I feel than a year ago,” McGriff. “It’s like all the weight is off my shoulders. I hope nobody ever has to go through what I did, because I hated every day of it.”

McGriff, acquired along with shortstop Tony Fernandez during the 1990 winter meetings from the Toronto Blue Jays, was uncomfortable the day he stepped through the Padre clubhouse door last spring. He was the new guy in town, with the reputation of being one of the finest power-hitters in the game. He also came in with the largest contract of any Padre player in history: four years, $15.25 million.

“I never felt so uncomfortable in my life,” he said. “We just had our first baby, I’m coming to a new team, I’m all alone, and all eyes are on me.

“Everybody wanted to see how I dressed, how I talked, how I walked.

“Then, I started to struggle, and just fell apart. I was so messed up at the plate I didn’t know what I was doing.”

McGriff failed to hit a single homer during the Padres’ stay in Yuma. He was batting .194 when the Padres broke camp in Palm Springs and headed into the final weekend without a home run in 69 at-bats.

“I was desperate, I had to do something,” McGriff said. “I mean, I had to save face. It was one thing to struggle in Yuma, but going into opening night, when you’ve got all of those San Diego fans who have been reading all the papers, I was afraid of embarrassing myself.

“I went to my emergency (batting) stance, just so I looked like I knew what I was doing.”

McGriff managed to go one for three in the Padres’ 7-4 victory over the San Francisco Giants, smacked a two-run homer in his second game and went on to have one of the most productive seasons in Padre history. He hit 31 homers and drove in 106 runs, winning the Padres’ MVP award and becoming the only player in baseball to hit 30 homers in each of the past four years.

“It was absolutely incredible what he did,” said teammate Tony Gwynn. “There was so much pressure on him. There were so many expectations. He didn’t know the league, and people were pitching around him all year. And he still put up those numbers.

“The thing is, I think he feels he can do better, a lot better. Now, that’s scary.”

Said Padre batting coach Merv Rettenmund: “I don’t think he saw a pitch over the plate the second half of the year. Everyone was pitching around him. That’s the amazing part, he walks 105 times and still drives in all of those runs.

“We’ve got to do a better job protecting him, but after being in the league a year, I think he’s only going to get better.”

Still, it’s not as if McGriff will have an easy time. He may have a .522 career slugging percentage, second only to Cecil Fielder of Detroit among active players, but the Padres still did not acquire a No. 5 hitter to protect McGriff in the lineup.

There’s no Eric Davis in camp. No Danny Tartabull. No Bobby Bonilla. There’s not even a Carlos Quintana.

“I kept anticipating we’d do something,” McGriff said. “They told me we were going to try to find somebody to bat behind me. So every day I’d check out ESPN. I’d read the papers and listen for what free agents they might sign.

“But we never made a move.”

If McGriff--who walked 105 times, including 26 times intentionally--thought he was being pitched around most of the last year, what in the world will happen this year?

“If I struggle, it’s because I’m hitting bad,” McGriff said, “not because of our fifth-place hitter. That would be an easy excuse, and I won’t use it. The same guys who hit behind me last year are in the clubhouse now, so it couldn’t have hurt me that bad.

“I’ve got no problem whoever they want to bat behind me. It’s up to me to make the adjustments, anyway. If they don’t want to throw strikes to me, I’ll just let somebody else drive in the runs.

“This is a team game, not to see whether Fred can hit 40 homers and drive in 100 runs.”

And now, more than ever, McGriff feels comfortable as part of the team.