Coming Next to Your TV: Quaylevision

Don’t pick on Dan Quayle for blaming the L.A. riots on Murphy Brown. The vice president is right: Television can bend minds. To this day, when caught in a moral quandary, I simply ask myself: “What would Hoss Cartwright do?” It works every time.

My question is, what TV shows shaped Quayle? “Lost in Space” is not the correct answer, but we’re warm. I assume, like everyone, he watched “I Love Lucy,” but I wonder what he made of Lucy and Ricky sleeping in single beds. I also suspect he noticed that, throughout 14 seasons, Ozzie never once left Harriet and the boys for work. How do I get a job like that? young Dan might have asked himself. And in 1988, George Bush provided the answer.

But enough. Since the Murphy Brown dust-up, I’ve been thinking about what it would take to please the Veep. After a long weekend on the couch, I have the answer--a schedule of morally acceptable TV programs Quayle can pitch to Hollywood. The list:

“Golfing With White Men.” This show combines both sports and public service. Each week, a different public figure is flown on Air Force Two to a whites-only country club. There, he--and they will only be he’s--golfs with Quayle and, in between shots, discusses urban policy. To gain bipartisan appeal, the first guest will be Bill Clinton.

“Eight Is a Start.” Meet the Wades. In just 72 months, this Ft. Lauderdale couple have produced eight happy youngsters--and they’re only getting started! He works as a milkman. She keeps the kids in cookies! And still has her figure!!! In the first episode, the 8-year-old brings home a condom from the school dispenser. Mrs. Wade, sewing needle in hand, sets out on a mission.

“You’d Better Make Room for My Daddy.” When junior needs a job, it’s Dad to the rescue. When junior receives his Vietnam draft notice, it’s Dad to the rescue. When junior’s C average makes it tough to get into law school, it’s Dad to the rescue. Sponsored by Indiana Bell to promote a new jingle: Reach Out and Put the Touch on Somebody.

“Where’s My Mind?” A game show based on utterances of a famous vice president. Contestants are challenged to decipher such comments as, “There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.” Or, in greeting Samoans, “You all look like happy campers to me!” Or, and this one’s strictly for the tougher bonus round, “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind--or not to have a mind?”

“The Outlaw Murphy Brown Jr.” A gripping morality play, this one projects forward 25 years to chronicle the hard life that awaits Murphy Brown’s fatherless child. By day, young Brown toils as a mindless government regulator. By night, he pillages Radio Shacks.

“Just Say No!” A home video show that encourages amateur sleuths to ambush friends, relatives, even strangers, at a moment of moral crisis. The idea is to sneak up just as Mom and Dad are moving toward an unusual sexual position, or Grandpa is reaching for one Miller too many, roll the camera and shout: “JUST . . . SAY . . . NO!” Big cash prizes--upon conviction.

“W*A*S*P*S.” Witty tax lawyers find loopholes in the tax code each week. Heavy on repartee.

“Gigglin’ Island.” In Quayle’s view, the sexual undercurrent of “Gilligan’s Island” was way too strong. What were we to think of the Professor and Mary Ann’s nature walks, or Tina Louise’s cleavage? This spinoff features Charlton Heston as a stern but loving leader of a Boy Scout troop. The enterprising lads spend their days deforesting the jungle island and telling knock-knock jokes.

“Father Still Knows Best.” Quayle finds little fault with the original sitcom, but would like to see “Fronk,” the family’s Latino gardener, busted by the INS in an early episode. Just as a message.

“The Evening News . . . With Oral Roberts.” A roundup of news, features and readings from the Book of the Apocalypse. Once a week, the anchor interviews God, or an appropriate guest saint.

“Mr. Ed Goes to the White House.” See, there’s this vice president. And no one will talk to him or give him serious work. They believe he’s a political liability, a laughingstock who always says the wrong thing. He despairs of ever getting a crack at the Big Job. One day, cutting the White House lawn, he meets a swaybacked horse. They talk. The sage horse counsels the young vice president to keep his conservative credentials intact, keep patient and not fret when people poke fun at him. “Same thing used to happen to me,” the horse says. “But well, you know, the liberals got the laughs, but I got the votes.”

This one stars Quayle himself in the Wilbur role. An old Western actor named Reagan plays the horse.