He Couldn’t Clean Up With a Dirty Shirt

Some high-priced auctioned sports jerseys were a Morning Briefing topic a few days ago, but perhaps none created the drama or fun of Pat Haden’s Ram jersey that was auctioned off recently.

Haden, former USC and Rams’ quarterback who is a successful lawyer and businessman in Los Angeles, was chairman of last week’s Ricky Bell Memorial Golf Tournament at Brookside in Pasadena. The tournament, which raises funds for the college education of economically disadvantaged students, awards a dozen or so scholarships per year.

As part of the fund raising, Haden took the microphone at a dinner after the golf and asked for an opening bid on his old No. 11 Ram jersey, which, he conceded, spent much of its existence in the NFL being sacked.

There was a long silence. Finally, somebody bid $1.17.

From the back of the room, somebody else yelled: “That’s too high. I’m out.”

Add Haden: Eventually, the bidding heated, and so did the fun. One bidder went to $2,000, “if Haden would come to his son’s birthday party wearing the jersey.” Quickly, Haden’s brother jumped in and bid $3,000, “if Haden would wear it and never come to his son’s birthday parties.”

Final price for one No. 11 Ram jersey: $5,000, to Haden’s business partner, Dick Riordon.

Lack of confidence? Baltimore Oriole outfielders Mike Devereaux and Brady Anderson practice making leaping catches over the fence, which prompted pitcher Mike Flanagan to comment: “I’ve never seen outfielders do that. I don’t know what it says about our pitching staff, though.”

Sponsor be damned: When the Winston Cup stock car season opened, the neon greenish-yellow Country Time Lemonade Oldsmobile driven by Bobby Hamilton had a giant lemon decal on the hood.

After Hamilton got off to a miserable start, the team peeled the lemon off the hood.

Trivia time: Who is the world cricket champion?

Local favorite: Bobby Burns, who will tee off today in the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach, is a cart attendant at Valencia Country Club and also holder of the Valencia club record with a nine-under-par 63 over the 7,105-yard course.

Important stuff: Players on the Niagara Falls (N.Y.) Rapids are helping teach Yoshitaro Ban and Kazuharu Yamazaki--the team’s two Japanese players--a few of the finer points of life as pros in America. Neither of the 19-year-old pitchers spoke a word of English when they arrived.

“We went out to eat and a couple of the guys were telling them stuff like a pretty girl is a ‘fox’ and if I went to take them out of the game, they’re supposed to say, ‘son of a gun,’ ” Manager Larry Parrish said.

Fair warning: Raymond Floyd will make his debut on the PGA’s senior tour on Sept. 9 in Lexington, Ky. Lee Trevino’s reaction: “He’ll be tougher than a 50-cent steak.”

Play it again: The most unexpected circumstance of the Chicago Bulls’ NBA victory over the Portland Trail Blazers was the uncharacteristic three-point barrage by Michael Jordan that led to Chicago’s Game 1 win.

David Aldridge of the Washington Post put it in perspective: “Picture Duke Ellington, while playing the piano, discovering he had a gift for the slide trombone.”

Trivia answer: Pakistan, upset winner over England in the World Cup last March in Australia.

Amazing: Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium is the only ballpark in which players have reached home run milestones for 100 (Bob Horner and Dale Murphy), 200 (Horner), 300 (Murphy), 400 (Eddie Murray last month), 500 (Willie McCovey and Hank Aaron), 600 (Aaron) and 700 (Aaron).

Quotebook: Houston Astro owner John McMullen, once a limited partner with the New York Yankees, on life with George Steinbrenner: “There is nothing quite so limited as being a limited partner of George Steinbrenner’s.”