None of Former President’s Men

Former President of the United States and Orange County’s own Richard M. (I Am Not a John Kruk) Nixon and former First Son-in-Law David (Like To Be Like Ike) Eisenhower have organized a luncheon at the presidential museum in beautiful downtown Yorba Linda in conjunction with baseball’s All-Star festivities, centering on next Tuesday’s star-spangled banter in San Diego.

Mr. Nixon and young Mr. Eisenhower have instituted a tradition of selecting a midsummer night’s “Dream Team,” made up of their favorite ballplayers of seasons gone by. Boys of summer ranging from Bob Feller to Johnny Mize have RSVP’d their intention to attend Wednesday’s Nixon-Eisenhower gala, and I imagine the President’s house of representatives also will include a couple of Washington Senators.

Although impending travel arrangements to Barcelona will prevent me from paying my respects to Dick & Dave--the latter was once my colleague on the sports pages of the dearly departed Chicago Daily News--the least I can do is donate my two cents’ worth to their campaign fund. Choosing baseball’s greatest players, position by position, cannot be easy.

Therefore, with their permission, may I volunteer the following:

CATCHER--Russ Nixon.

President Nixon once was quoted that he would have preferred being a baseball player to a politician. I therefore have to believe that any player who wore “R. NIXON” on the back of his uniform would tickle Mr. Nixon’s fancy, although I must admit that it is presumptuous of me to presume that the former commander-in-chief has a desire to have his fancy tickled.

Russ Nixon played 12 seasons with a respectable lifetime batting average of .268. He also retired in 1968, when Richard Nixon was just getting rolling. A vote for Russ Nixon would soothe the pain of being relieved as manager of the Atlanta Braves shortly before they finally made it to the World Series.

FIRST BASE--George Herbert Walker Bush.

The former Yale first sacker should be an obvious favorite of loyal Republicans Nixon and Eisenhower after a lifetime of playing the right side of the field. No relation to the Bush who played in the 1991 World Series for the Minnesota Twins, George is known to be a patriotic American Leaguer and, like Ike, has a son who takes a strong interest in major league baseball.

One catch: Bush may not be seen as a good role model for young children who have been urged by their parents to eat more broccoli.

SECOND BASE--Woody Woodward.

Honoring anyone named Woodward clearly has its drawbacks, but possibly an exception can be made for William Frederick Woodward, a versatile infielder from 1963-71 who played all four positions.

Yes, Woody did go one for five in his only World Series. Yes, Woody did go one for 10 in his only league championship series. Yes, Woody did slug only one home run in his career. I nevertheless believe that President Nixon would rather enjoy the idea of revealing someone named Woodward to be so totally powerless.

SHORTSTOP--Don Kessinger.

Chicago was abuzz in the late 1960s with the news that President Nixon was about to appoint Don Kessinger to his cabinet as secretary of state. There was considerable disappointment in discovering that it was Doctor Kissinger, not Don Kessinger, who would be receiving this appointment.

Here is the President’s chance to make it up to Kess, whose splendid 16-year career included not even one lousy World Series.

THIRD BASE--Pete Rose.

A Presidential pardon is just the thing we need to rescue Rose, who did something wrong and shouldn’t have to go on paying for it forever.

Rose, as you know, is baseball’s all-time hittingest hitter, as well as a legendary figure in Washington and the White House, where a garden bears his name.

OUTFIELD--George Washington, John Kennedy, Charles Woodrow Wilson.

According to the Baseball Encyclopedia, Sloan Vernon (George) Washington spent portions of the 1935-36 seasons with the Chicago White Sox. Although he batted only 388 times, he hit eight more homers than that Woodward guy.

John Edward Kennedy primarily was an infielder during his dozen seasons with Washington (there you go), Boston, Seattle, the New York Yankees and the Dodgers. He is not to be confused with the John Kennedy who batted twice in 1949 for Philadelphia or with fellow major leaguers Bob, Ed and Junior Kennedy.

C. Woodrow Wilson was known as “Charlie” and “Swamp Baby,” for reasons unknown, during his 1931-35 term with the National League’s Boston and St. Louis. Although he batted only 186 times, he, too, hit more home runs than that Woodward guy.

PITCHERS--Grover Cleveland Alexander, Jay and Paul Dean.

Alexander pitched for 20 seasons, won 373 games and was portrayed by Ronald Reagan in a movie. Enough said.

The Deans were better known by their nicknames and this is President Nixon’s big chance to discredit Dean as being both dizzy and daffy.

I leave the rest up to you, Mr. Nixon and Mr. Eisenhower. The yuks stop here.