Dear Coach: Telling a Kid He’s Worthless Is Embarrassing

The coach grabbed the kid by the facemask. He was going to shake some sense into him.

“Do you realize what you’ve done?” the coach screamed. “You’ve embarrassed your teammates. You’ve embarrassed yourself. You’ve embarrassed your entire family !”

The kid--a sophomore and third-string tailback--was trying hard not to cry. Never mind that his team was en route to a major blowout. Or that there was less than a minute left in the game. He had fumbled in his only carry of the night. Now he was going to pay.

As the coach tore into him, his teammates looked on nervously. No doubt they were imagining themselves in that situation in the very near future. None said a word. When the coach turned toward them, they quickly averted their glance. No one dared to look in his eyes.

It’s difficult to understand sometimes why some high school coaches--such as the South County coach in the scene mentioned above--choose to motivate their players through anger and intimidation and others stick with positive encouragement even under the most dire circumstances.

What makes a coach, even under great duress, tell a kid he’s hopeless or worthless or a joke to his team? Does he hope the player will snap back, do whatever it takes to prove him wrong?

Or does he simply hope to inspire--in his players as well as his opponents--fear and loathing on the football field?

Sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation. A coach who runs up the score, who encourages his players to play dirty, who puts ego before common sense, often hides behind the facade that says, “Hey, that’s just plain, tough football. Live with it.”

Unfortunately, that tough stuff usually starts with the coach’s own players. He beats them down, riles them up, demands respect--or else. Speak your mind and you’re probably off the team or at least ordered to take several dozen laps. Make a mistake and you’re going to be made the brunt of jokes, called this, that, or any of the other creative combinations of %&*!$! a coach can come up with.

Now I already sense a few groans. This is football, you’re saying. Not some tea party in the park. Boys will be boys, men will be men, (fill in your own macho-themed cliche here). Sorry, but in high school, where kids are still finding their way in society, there has to be some responsible guidance.

The point is this: If a coach is going to demean his own players, what’s to stop him from doing the same--or worse--to his opponent? Doesn’t sportsmanship start on the practice field?

A few weeks ago, a parent of a player at a Garden Grove League school complained about the change he has seen in the team’s players this season. They have become aggressive in a nasty sort of way, he said. Their profanity is unbearable. They’ve lost the meaning of playing for fun.

Asked if he wasn’t perhaps responsible for shaping his son’s attitudes, the man shrugged, a trace of sadness in his voice.

“Sure,” he said. “I try. But my boy, he looks up to the coaches so much now . . .”

Coaches as role models? The concept is probably as old as sports itself. Coaches who tune in to the responsibility are usually those turning out players who are happy to shake hands with a longtime rival, who exit the end zone with a smile, not a victory dance, who know how to keep victories and defeats in perspective.

Coaches who don’t are asking for trouble. Maybe intentionally.

This isn’t to say positive reinforcement ensures success, not by any means. Some of the county’s most successful programs are run by coaches who abide by negative campaigning. Some of the least successful, by Coach Happy Face.

But for those watching closely, there is a significant difference. It doesn’t show up in win-loss columns or county rankings, but in an uncharted category--sportsmanship.

The local media pays a good deal of attention to county passing leaders and rushing leaders and points scored. Maybe sportsmanship deserves its own special statistical category. Somewhere to laud and applaud the good sports of Orange County coaching, such as . . .

Jeff Buenafe of Garden Grove, University’s Mark Cunningham, Tim Devaney of Sunny Hills, Jim Hartigan of Santa Margarita, Mike Marrujo of Valencia, Mark McElroy of San Clemente, John Selbe of Cypress, Edison’s Dave White . . .

Only a partial list, to be sure, but certainly worth mentioning.

A while back, a freshman player at Edison was asked what was the first thing he learned from his coaches this summer.

“To have class,” he said. “No matter what the other team does to get us riled up, we just have to show class and not let it get to us.”

Asked if he agreed with that philosophy, the player thought for a moment, then said:

“Well, now that I’m playing here I do.”

Southern Section Code of Ethics

It is the duty of all concerned with high school athletics:

1. To emphasize the proper ideals of sportsmanship, ethical conduct and fair play.

2. To eliminate all possibilities which tend to destroy the best values of the game.

3. To stress the values derived from playing the game fairly.

4. To show cordial courtesy to visiting teams and officials.

5. To establish a happy relationship between visitors and hosts.

6. To respect the integrity and judgment of sports officials.

7. To achieve a thorough understanding and acceptance of the rules of the game and the standards of eligibility.

8. To encourage leadership, use of initiative and good judgment by the players on the team.

9. To recognize that the purpose of athletics is to promote the physical, mental, moral, social and emotional well-being of the individual players.

10. To remember that an athletic contest is only a game--not a matter of life and death for the player, coach, school, officials, fan, community, state or nation.