The Brad Holland Roast Is Held in His Absence

Brad Holland is new to these parts, still learning the intricacies of coaching basketball at Cal State Fullerton, where every day is an education.

Tuesday’s lesson:

Never--repeat, never --break a date to speak at an Orange County sportswriters and sportscasters luncheon, even if it means climbing out of a sick bed and shaking off a wicked case of the flu and stifling the urge to gag while steaming platefuls of vegetarian lasagna are passed beneath your nose.

You may be required to play some defense.

From the moment Fullerton sports information director Mel Franks announced that a green-to-the-gills Holland would be a no-show, Rod Baker of UC Irvine and Mike Bokosky of Chapman declared open season on their absent friend, using Holland to pad their monologues the way Jay Leno uses Dan Quayle.

“The last time I talked to Brad,” said Franks, setting the stage, “he told me, ‘If I say we’re going to win two games this year, I’d be an optimist.’ So he’s acting like a head coach. He’s already lamenting.”

Cue Baker.

“A couple problems here,” Baker groused. “I spoke to Brad Holland this morning and, first of all, he said he was going to win 19 games. I don’t know what Mel’s talking about. And he sounded like he was all right. He didn’t sound sick to me. That’s the best I can tell you.”

Baker then alluded to an item he had read in that morning’s newspaper.

“They’re going to have this new thing over at Fullerton where anyone who comes to a game looking like (Cal State Long Beach Coach) Seth Greenberg gets in free. Anyone who comes in looking like (UC Santa Barbara Coach) Jerry Pimm, or is named Jerry, gets in free. Which I thought was one of the more original promotions ever devised.

“Well, we’re also going to have some new promotions at UCI. What we’re going to do, when Fullerton comes and plays at our place, anybody who acts like they’re sick after coming up with a dumb idea will be allowed into our game for free.”

Baker was only half-kidding, because the Fullerton promotions, according to the very professionally typed press release in front of me, are apparently no joke. Come to a Titan game this season looking like an opposing Big West coach and there’ll be no charge. Really.

San Jose State Coach Stan Morrison wears glasses, so all fans wearing glasses get into the Fullerton-San Jose game free.

Baker has a mustache, so all fans with mustaches get into the Irvine-Fullerton game free.

Seth Greenberg? He’s a body double for L.A. Law-yer Douglas Brackman, so all “bald or balding” fans get into the Long Beach-Fullerton game free.

Since when did my forehead develop this burning passion for 49er basketball?

Quickly, Baker handed the needle off to Bokosky, who has moved to Division II Chapman after serving as an assistant on John Sneed’s last coaching staff at Fullerton.

Bokosky reminded Holland, in absentia, of another date on both coaches’ schedules.

“We go to Cal State Fullerton on Dec. 23,” Bokosky said. “I was at a clinic last week in Fullerton and I was speaking with Brad Holland, and I said in front of about 100 coaches that we’re going to play the 23rd and I know Brad thinks I’m Santa Claus. We’re going to bring all the gifts. They’re supposed to destroy us.

“And I said to Brad, ‘If you’re killing us, if you’re destroying us, I’m going to call timeout, I’m going to walk down to your huddle and say, “Hey, Brad, some of these guys I signed for you. I’m your friend.” ’

“I also told him, ‘Don’t forget on Dec. 30 where you have to go and play.’ He has to go to UCLA and play UCLA.

“So, hey, a week later, Brad, I want you to remember me.”

It was a bad day not to be in attendance. Anyone not in the room was fair game. Exhibit B: UC Irvine’s athletic director.

UC Irvine doesn’t have an athletic director, and may not have one by Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. Or the day Baker lands the Anteaters in the Final Four. The search has dragged on so long, a search party is being assembled to search for the search committee.

“We’re going to have another promotion,” Baker announced. “Anyone who’s applied for our AD job can get in free.”

Or, as Fullerton publicist/spokesman/play-by-play man/Holland pinch-hitter Franks added, describing his next act: “I think I’ll pretend to be AD at UCI for a week.”

The idea behind Tuesday’s intended meeting of the coaching minds was to talk a little hoops and banter a bit of basketball. Eventually, Baker and Bokosky got around to it.

Baker likes his new center (“Dee Boyer is 6-10 and 253 pounds, down from 280, and he gives us a presence UCI hasn’t had in the past.”) and he likes his new tri-captain (“Jeff Von Lutzow has already dived on the floor four or five times. Not falling on the ball, but going after the ball and being aggressive. That never used to be in his repertoire.”) Baker doesn’t like the new NCAA practice guidelines (“We have a student athlete in school for 48 months and the NCAA allows coaches to be around them eight of those 48 months. That doesn’t seem enough time, does it?”)

Bokosky is amused by his players (“I’m the tallest guy on the team”) and his practice conditions.

“We had to repair our scoreboard on Friday,” Bokosky said, “and they brought it down to the floor and they couldn’t get it back up. So we had to practice for three days with the scoreboard right in the middle of the floor.

“And the great thing about it is: I don’t let it bother me. What am I gonna do? I’m not going to worry about it, my players aren’t going to worry about it. We just put the team managers around it so no one would knock out any light bulbs and ran drills around it.”

A giddy time was had by all, at least by all who showed up to protect their own turf.

Moral of the story?

Be there . . . or be skewered.