One Last Swipe . . .

The last guilty mouthful of Dove chocolate is just a silky memory. So are the picture-perfect hairdos on the stars we watched with such loving attention Monday night. Ah, the Academy Awards. What could be sweeter than criticizing every last flaw on the most beautiful women in the world with one’s dearest friends?

“Somebody ought to tell Miranda Richardson and Andie McDowell where to get a girdle,” muttered a friend who harbors a quaint, if flagging, belief in flat stomachs.

But stretched out on a bed littered with microwaved popcorn and assorted bratty children, we thought those two looked pretty darned good. Especially compared to onetime Woody Allen boy toy Diane Keaton, who wrote of herself recently: “When I was a girl, I knew something was wrong. I wasn’t pretty.” Hmm. Nothing that 10 layers of Ralph Lauren, a pair of yellow shades and a beret pulled over your eyebrows can’t hide.

“She looked like she was on her way to a sale, eh?” our hairdresser observed, Canadian-style.

Geena Davis took a few lumps, too. This year, Bill Hargate’s black velvet gown was acceptable to her fans, but the actress’s brassy blond hair color rubbed the wrong way. “She was so pretty as a brunette,” goes the refrain.

“They’re all jealous,” says our hairdresser.

Before leaving the whole silly subject aside (and putting our noses back in our two Michel Foucault biographies), a few final scenes from Oscar, 1993. And, honestly, we are not jealous.

PRINCESS BRIDE?: While Sharon Stone’s look was being compared to a young Grace Kelly on Monday night, super model Claudia Schiffer may actually be the true contender for the royal throne. Rumor has it that Schiffer, who’s off to Maria Mandelucci’s (Krizia) Caribbean resort this week to shoot her 1994 Landmark calendar, has traded in her American boyfriend, model Bill Goins, for Prince Albert of Monaco.

Whether or not the rumor is true, Schiffer has certainly cast aside her now-dated big hair-big, makeup-big decollete image for a more au c ourant grungy gamine look. Check out Steven Meisel’s spread in April’s Harper’s Bazaar. Schiffer now joins a handful of last season’s super models--Christy Turlington and Linda Evangelista among them--who are hardly recognizable in their new incarnations as demure, waiflike creatures. Over the hill at 22.

PRINCESS DIVORCEE: The Duchess of York’s piddly settlement in her impending divorce from Prince Andrew just might send her screaming into the fashion world. Women’s Wear Daily reports that the British licensing agent for “Budgie the Little Helicopter” (Fergie’s book for kids) is on the lookout for American licensees for toys, games and apparel inspired by the hero of the duchess’s children’s books. How about a line of Little Budgie toenail polish?

AROUND TOWN: “Blossom” co-star Jenna Von Oy introduced a line of hats this week at the Pacific Palisades children’s boutique Zanders. A percentage of the profits goes to pediatric AIDS charities. . . . Whoopi Goldberg and her mom stopped by Goldpfeil in Beverly Hills and bought several pieces of bottle-green retro-style luggage. A caution from the store manager that the stuff is surprisingly heavy didn’t dissuade Goldberg. “I have people who can carry it,” she said. . . .