If He Really Had His Choice, He Wouldn’t Have to Choose

It’s difficult to project with total certainty at which point the last person in America will go stark raving mad, but we’re quite possibly in the homestretch.

Madmen abound. Charlatans lurk around every corner. Misfits link their salvation to kooky leaders infinitely more troubled than they.

So, can you blame me for wishing the planet would be consumed someday soon by a raging tempest of white-hot gas, just so we could get the whole thing over with?

Wishful thinking, indeed, because it’s clear we’re not going up in a ball of flames. Instead, we’re going to be slowly tortured, the victims of one camouflaged assault on our sanity after another.

The latest subtle offensive comes from the cable TV industry, those people we once thought were our friends. The industry says it’s closing in on new systems that will make available up to 500 channels. The head of one of the largest cable companies says choices may be so vast as to include a “pet lovers channel.”

Arf, arf.

Has the average citizen shown the ability to hold up under the burden of 500 viewing choices? Have the technological wizards studied the dynamic of two people in a TV room with as few as two or three dozen channels to choose from? Have they seen the chaos that equation produces? Does increasing it by a factor of 10 really represent progress?

Don’t they realize that society is cracking not from having too few choices, but too many? Don’t they see that we’re going nuts from the constant barrage of choices we must make? Don’t they know we maxed out at three networks, three car companies, one phone company, the neighborhood school, three flavors of ice cream, one working parent, one marriage?

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THESE PEOPLE? DON’T THEY KNOW WE’RE ALREADY LOSING OUR MINDS?

Coffee in the morning? Decaf or regular? One lump or two? Drive to work or take the bus? Drop off the kids at school or let them walk? Radio or tape while you’re driving? Talk radio or music on the car radio? Country-Western, rock, jazz or easy listening? Go out to lunch or work through at your desk? Switch your kids to private school next year? What about that magnet school outside the district? Wasn’t the phone man coming today? Do you want the new phone with the “last number dialed” feature? How about most frequently dialed numbers? Cordless or mounted? Have you considered MCI or Sprint? Self-serve or full service? Premium unleaded or just special unleaded? Maybe a play tonight, or how about a movie? Go to the neighborhood cineplex--eight theaters. Should you go to the store on the way home or have your spouse do it? Don’t you need some soda? Sugar-free? How about caffeine-free? How about sugar- and caffeine-free? Liter or 16-ounce? Bottle or cans? Gourmet or regular cat food? Scented or unscented soap? Should you cook tonight or buy frozen food? Whole milk, 2%, 1% or skim? Deli section or packaged meats? Cash or charge? Paper or plastic? Mom, you’re thinking about going back to work? Full time, part time? Don’t you want to be there when the kids get home from school? Why doesn’t your husband take off early some time? Which of those sitters is the best? If you spent more time at work, would you advance faster? What about that new car? American, Japanese or European? Interested in Ford, Chevy, Chrysler, Nissan, Honda, Toyota, BMW, Volkswagen, minivan, tilt steering, sunroof, cruise control, fold-out trunk, anti-theft device . . . ? Buy or lease? What kind of payment plan? What should you do with your extra money? Which of a couple dozen investment plans do you want to put it in? Want stability or yield? How comfortable are you with risk? How strong is your bank? What about that European vacation? Can you both get off your jobs at the same time? If you go, what about the first year’s college tuition for your daughter? Having a little marital strife? Should you go to counseling? Which counselor? You like Counselor A, but your husband likes Counselor B. Should you go to joint sessions? How can you be sure counseling really works, anyway? Does your insurance cover it? You say your parents are aging and ailing? Can they take care of themselves at home, or do they need nursing care? Can any of you afford that? How come your siblings aren’t helping out? How long do you want to keep your parent on that respirator? You think your job is in jeopardy? People say get ready to switch careers, but to what? Is there anything else you can do? Are you really getting anywhere anyway? Is it too late to go back to school?

Five hundred TV channels?

They’ve got to be kidding.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.