Cash or Charge, Same Low Price

A telephone rings.

“Good morning, San Diego Padres!”

“Tom Werner, please.”

“May I ask who’s calling?”

“Just tell him we want to buy one of his guys.”

“I’ll connect you!”

*

A buzzer buzzes.

“Werner here.”

“Tom? This is Dewey Fleecem from the Dodgers. How you doing?”

“Sixth place and sinking like a rock.”

“Yeah, so I see.”

“Who can we do for you?”

“Tom, we’d like to buy Tony Gwynn.”

“Fine. Cash or charge?”

“Don’t you want to know for how much?”

“Nah. My secretary takes care of that.”

“Don’t you want to haggle?”

“Nah. I got TV shows to produce.”

“In that case, Tom . . . “

*

A buzzer buzzes.

“Hang on. Werner here.”

“Tom, this is Howie Robbum from the Orioles. How you doing?”

“Sixth place and falling like a meteorite.”

“Yeah, so I see.”

“Who can we do for you?”

“Tom, we’d like to take Fred McGriff off your hands.”

“Done.”

“Don’t you want to hear our offer?”

“We take Visa and Master Card.”

“But Tom . . . “

*

A buzzer buzzes.

“Hang on. Werner here.”

“Tom, this is C.M. Cumming from the Marlins. How you doing?”

“Sixth place and goin’ south.”

“Yeah, so I see.”

“Who can we do for you?”

“Tom, we thought we’d relieve you of Andy Benes.”

“He’s yours.”

“I know we conned you out of--cough--excuse me, Tom--I say, I know we acquired Gary Sheffield from you already. But, on second thought, we’d like Benes, too.”

“I’ll put him on a plane.”

“Thanks, Tom, we . . . “

*

A buzzer buzzes.

“Hang on. Werner here.”

“Tom, this is Rip Imhoff over at NBC-TV. How you doing?”

“Good in the ratings, bad in the standings.”

“Yeah, so I see.”

“Who can we do for you?”

“Tom, we thought it might be time you unload Roseanne.”

“Gee, I don’t know.”

“I know her Nielsens are high, Tom . . . “

“It’s not that.”

“What, then?”

“Remember when she sang the national anthem at a Padre game?”

“Vividly.”

“I’m thinking of calling on her again.”

“To sing the anthem?”

“To play third base.”

“Tom, you don’t want to embarrass the Padres that way.”

“Who says I don’t?”

“Listen, Tom. Let NBC take her. You can put some cheaper actress in her place.”

“Cut my payroll?”

“Exactly.”

“I like it.”

“I thought you would.”

*

A buzzer buzzes.

“Hang on. Werner here.”

“Tom, this is Barry Bonds.”

“No, thank you.”

“No, what?”

“I’m not buying any bonds.”

“This is Barry Bonds, the ballplayer. Remember how you could have bought me? Remember how San Diego’s my hometown? Remember how San Francisco made me an offer and you didn’t?”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is, Tom, we’re so far above you now, we can’t even see San Diego.”

“But what’s your point?”

“My point is, Tom, San Diego’s never won a World Series and never will, the way you’re going.”

“But what’s your point?”

“Tom, if you can’t pay, don’t play.”

“But what’s your point?”

“Oh, I give up!”

The phones go dead.

“Yeah, so do I.”