In This Game, the Real Gag Is on Them

Columnist Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, writing about the Celebrity Golf Tour:

“This is a place to see your favorite athletic hero choke his brains out. Last week, seven-handicapper (Dan) Majerle shot an opening-round 102.

“Charles Barkley went 94-84-90 for the tourney, which, coincidentally, were his measurements when he was in college.”

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Snubbed: Speaking of celebrity golf, former Philadelphia third baseman Mike Schmidt is miffed at Johnny Bench and Pete Rose for not showing up at Schmidt’s three-day tournament.

“I’m looking for some letters of apology,” Schmidt told the Philadelphia Daily News.

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Trivia time: Who are the only brothers to hit home runs in an All-Star game?

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Chew on this: Luis Alicea, St. Louis Cardinal infielder, talking to the Miami Herald about the chewing tobacco controversy in baseball:

“Being in baseball and not dipping or chewing is like being in a bar and not drinking a beer.”

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Wake-up call: Glen Macnow of Knight-Ridder Newspapers writes that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman “is a refreshing change for the NHL, a league in a race to enter the 20th Century before it ends.

“After 15 years of the somnambulant (John) Ziegler, owners finally realized this year that they need someone to halt their reputation of being what Mario Lemieux termed ‘a garage league’--backward-thinking, small-minded, out of touch, a bit sleazy.”

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No big deal: Acie Earl, the Boston Celtics’ first-round draft choice, when asked about his college major:

“Park and recreation management. It’s just a fancy name.”

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Bad taste: From John Nelson of the Associated Press: “The new home video, ‘Gaylord Perry’s Baseball’s Dirtiest Tricks,’ starts off with promise, meanders aimlessly through a ton of potentially funny material, and winds up about as tasteful as spit.”

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Good old days: With colorful billboards ringing the outfield wall, the Milwaukee Brewers turned back the clock against the Texas Rangers on Tuesday night in Milwaukee.

The Brewers wore gray uniforms with blue pin stripes similar to those of the 1920s, while the Rangers sported red and white 1940s-style uniforms.

General admission tickets were reduced to $3 and bleacher seats were $2. Hot dog, soda, peanut and popcorn prices also were cut.

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By the numbers: From “Great Moments & Dubious Achievements in Golf History”:

On Sept. 2, 1920, William Ingle aced the first hole of the Trophin Golf Course near Edinburgh, Scotland. He scored a two on the second hole, three on the third hole, four on the fourth hole, and five on the fifth hole.

Had the progression continued, Ingle would have shot a round of 171.

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Trivia answer: Joe and Vince DiMaggio.

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Quotebook: Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post, on the Bullets’ drafting of 7-foot-7, 315-pound Gheorghe Muresan of Romania: “A guy like that will be perfect in USAir Arena; he can dress in a hangar.”