When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough . . .

News Headline: “Washington Coach Don James Resigns Under Fire. Decries Unfairness of Conference Sanctions. ‘Not Gonna Take It Anymore,’ He Says. ‘I’m Tired of Fighting. I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore.’ ” We take you now to the waters of the North Sea off the coast of England. The time is 1779. The captain of the American ship, John Paul Jones, is standing knee deep in water in his sinking vessel. His first mate approaches.

“The British captain is calling on us to surrender, sir. But, we have lashed ourselves to his ship. How about we tell him to go to hell, or something like, oh, say, ‘I have not yet begun to fight!’ Has a nice ring to it.”

And John Paul Jones says, “Tell him yourself! I just resigned. Let someone else go down with this ship. I’ve had enough.”

Or, how about if we go to Valley Forge in the winter of 1778. As we look in, Gen. George Washington is approached by a Continental soldier with rags wrapped around his bleeding, frostbitten feet. His chin is quivering and icicles are beginning to form on his beard.

“Just think, Gen. Washington, if we stick it out here all winter, some day this will be our finest hour and this will be a national shrine!” he says.

And Washington looks at him as if he’s lost his mind and says, “Are you crazy? Stick it out here and freeze to death? Not me! You can stick it out here if you want. Me, I’m going to Florida!”

We take you now to the middle of the War of 1812, just outside Boston Harbor where Cmdr. James Lawrence lies mortally wounded on the deck of his ship, the Chesapeake. An aide asks him if he has any last words for his crew and countrymen.

“Yes!” moans Lawrence, clutching his chest. “Give up the ship!”

Or, it’s Sept. 2, 1776 and the schoolteacher, Nathan Hale, is about to mount the gibbet to be hanged for espionage. He is asked if he has any last words.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m not going to take the rap for this. I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. If I had two or three, OK. But I’m getting out of the spy business. Now, cut me down and you won’t have any trouble with me ever again, I swear. I’ll retire to my yacht and golf course.”

Or, supposing you are with Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry in the battle of Lake Erie in 1812 and he sends the message, “We have met the enemy and we are his. If you need me, I’ll be home pruning my roses.”

Suppose you’re with Col. Custer at Little Big Horn in 1876 and he looks out and says, “Look, guys, I’m sorry I got you into this. Maybe if I’m not here, they’ll take it easy on you. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll just resign my commission and head back to the fort. Good luck! Tell Sitting Bull I’m sorry it had to come to this!”

What if we’re on the bridge of the Titanic. The captain turns to his purser and says, “What iceberg? Nobody said anything to me about any icebergs! Nobody tells me anything! I’m trying to set a trans-Atlantic record and keep the dance band and 10 chefs happy. Wire Cunard and tell them to get some other scapegoat. I’m getting out of here! See if you can get me some women’s clothes and smuggle me on a lifeboat.”

How about if we’re atop Bunker Hill and the commanding officer, William Prescott, looks over the field and announces, “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting out of here as soon as I see the whites of their eyes!”

Picture Farragut saying, “Damn the torpedoes! Back up!”

Gen. Grant would not have said, “I propose to fight it out along this line if it takes all summer!” He would have said instead, “I’ve got a train to catch and a life to live and books to write. Who needs this?”

The general who said, “If I advance , follow me. If I retreat, kill me!” will have to amend it to, “If I advance, follow me. If I retreat, cover me!”

When Harry Truman said, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!” he probably never meant it as advice to football coaches. And when Richard Nixon once announced his swan song (prematurely) by saying, “You’re not going to have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!” he didn’t think it would become a rallying cry for Coach James 30 years later.

History tells us the Confederate army, at the lowest moment of the first battle of Bull Run, was moved to rally when a beleaguered general, looking up and seeing Jackson’s troops holding firm in the shot and shell, cried out, “Look, there is Jackson’s brigade standing like a stone wall!”

The under-siege Washington Huskies look up and say, “Anybody see Don James standing around here anywhere, now that we need him?”

In Washington, they think they made that hit movie about him, “The Fugitive.”