Lone Star State Is Looking Lousy

THE COLLEGES

The eyes of Texas are still blinking in disbelief, after a weekend series of disasters.

The University of Houston took over the Bottom Ten lead with a rousing 7-49 loss to USC, while such winless neighbors as the Texas Shorthorns, TCU’s Fightin’ Frogs and the University of Texas at El Grounded Paso were ranked right behind.

As if the college reversals weren’t enough, the Houston Oilers and Dallas Cowboys were upset in NFL openers. The only pro team to win in the Lone Star State, in fact, was Texas A$M.

The University of Houston was drubbed by USC despite still another 100-plus-yard aerial circus by quarterback Jimmy Klingler. The game films won’t be entertaining for the Cougars, especially since former coach John Jenkins has departed. Jenkins allegedly spiced up some game films with scenes from porno movies.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Houston (0-1) 7-49, USC Tulsa 2. Texas (0-1) 14-36, Colorado Idle 3. Rice (0-1) 7-34, Ohio State Tulane 4. N. Texas (0-1) 14-76, Nebraska N. Arizona 5. TCU (0-1) 3-35, Oklahoma New Mexico 6. UTEP (0-1) 6-24, Arizona Las Vegas 7. SMU (0-1) 6-10, Arkansas Wisconsin 8. UCLA (0-1) 25-27, California R&R; 9. The Genius (0-1) 14-31, Washington San Jose St. 10. Georgia (0-1) 21-23, S. Carolina Tennessee

11. LSU (0-1); 12. Boston College (0-1); 13. Arkansas State (0-1); 14. Maryland (0-1); 15. Utah (0-1); 16. Wyoming (0-1); 17. San Jose State (0-1) 18. Idle; 19. Fresno State (0-1); 20. The rude squirrel that ran out on the field during the Ohio State-Rice game.

Rout of the Week: Tennessee (1-0) over Georgia (0-1).

How to Build Confidence: UTEP Coach David Lee, referring to Sports Illustrated’s preseason poll: “I told our players last spring, ‘Hey, they’re going to pick us 106th.’ Anything above that is an improvement.” The strategy worked. SI picked UTEP 99th.

THE PROS

The Houston Oilers were picked to make it to the Super Bowl by none other than Buddy Ryan, their genius defensive coordinator. Ryan, speaking of one player’s holdout, went so far as to say, “I don’t write the checks. If I did, I’d give myself a raise for the fine job I’ve been doing.”

Funny thing, though. The Oilers opened the season by succumbing to New Orleans. Quarterback Wade Wilson, who isn’t often mistaken for Joe Montana, tore apart Ryan’s defense.

Oiler quarterback Warren Moon, meanwhile, was KOd in the fourth quarter and was so disoriented as he was taken off the field that he told an interviewer: “I’m going to Euro Disney!”

New Jersey Giant Coach Dan Reeves, on the other hand, had a big afternoon. The Giants won. And so did Denver and quarterback John Elway, for whom Reeves still insists on calling the plays.

The rankings:

NO-STAR STATE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Dallas (0-1) 15-36, Washington Buffalo 2. Houston (0-1) 21-33, New Orleans K.C.

WHAT’M I DOING HERE?

Name coach, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. B. Parcells (0-1) 14-38, Buffalo Detroit 2. C. Knox (0-1) 6-36, Green Bay Pitt 3. T. Flores (0-1) 12-18, San Diego Raiders

WORST DEBUTS

Player, Team Performance 1. RB G. Hearst (Phoenix) 7 carries for 3 yards 2. RB E. Dickerson (Atlanta) 6 carries for 10 yards 3. QB M. Tomczak (Pitt) 4 of 11 passes for 46 yards

Crummy Game of the Week: Pitt (0-1) at Anaheim Rams (0-1).

Worthless stats department: Starting this season, the Cowboys were the NFL’s most successful team in openers with a 25-7-1 mark and New Orleans was the worst at 6-20.