Clippers Fit Profile of O.C. Team

Flowers have been sent, only to rot on the porch. Candygram couriers have been chased into the street. Phone messages die on the answering machine. Letters are returned to sender, always folded and spindled, never read.

It is the longest-running unrequited romance of our times, Anaheim and the Clippers, otherwise known as The Courtship of Donald T., and the city’s franchise hunters didn’t know whether to laugh or sigh the other day when the Clippers signed a lease that will bind them to the Sports Arena for three more years but permit them to play six home games per season outside Los Angeles, presumably in Anaheim.

“Six is nice,” says John Nicoletti, marketing manager for the Anaheim Arena, “but our goal is finding a tenant for 41 games. Obviously, a six-game package with the Clippers is something we would greet with open arms, but we’re still talking to several organizations about the prospect of playing 41 games here . . .

“We’re ready for an NBA franchise. We want to get started.”

Six games would be just that, a start--the Orange County Clippers on training wheels. With his new lease agreement, Clipper owner Donald Sterling has bought the cake and is eating it, too. He gets to dip his toe into the warm waters of Anaheim, raking in the profits from six sure sellouts a season, while keeping an arm around Billy Crystal and the rest of his beloved westside Hollywood bobos.

If only those bobos lived in Newport.

Sterling had a chance to case the place in early October when the Clippers played Golden State in an exhibition at Anaheim Arena. Nicoletti reports that Sterling was “extremely pleased with the facility and the staff. He was also impressed with the crowd (16,000-plus). I just saw him look into the stands, again and again, and smile.

“He still has some reservations about the commute for him and some of his friends. Unfortunately, those are concerns that are hard for us to alleviate.”

For Anaheim, the worst-case scenario is for Sterling to tease Orange County with a half-dozen cameos next season, lighten several thousand wallets and then up and elope with Bruce McNall, living happily ever after inside the glimmering 20,000-seat Inglewood IDB Communications MilleniumDome.

The best-case scenario, of course, is for Anaheim to sweep Sterling off his Guccis. It plays out something like this:

Fans camp out overnight in the Anaheim Arena parking lot, waiting for the opportunity to write $100 checks for a couple of seats to a Clipper-Dallas game in late November.

The Garden Grove chapter of the Elmore Spencer Fan Club rocks the rafters.

Thousands turn out at the Brea Mall for a John Williams lunch-box signing.

Ravenous supporters of the Clipper coach vote overwhelmingly to change their city’s name to Weissminster.

Clippers go 6-0 in Anaheim, including a 35-point romp of the defending champion Houston Rockets.

Overwhelmed, Sterling can do nothing but sign a 30-year lease with Anaheim and offer free helicopter service to his friends stranded in Bel Air.

Then there’s the common-sense scenario, in which Sterling wakes up and smells the caffe latte and quits fighting the fact that his Clippers and Orange County were made for one another.

Truth is, Sterling’s team has been the “Anaheim Clippers” in spirit for years now.

Consider the portfolio:

-- The Clippers have gone through six coaches in eight years. Much like the Angels, who have gone through six managers in 11 years.

-- The Clippers have wasted recent first-round picks on Randy Woods, LeRon Ellis, Bo Kimble, Danny Ferry, Joe Wolf and Reggie Williams. Much like the Rams, who have wasted recent first-round picks on Bill Hawkins, Gaston Green, Aaron Cox and Mike Schad.

-- The Clippers have never won a league championship. Much like the Angels since 1961 and the Rams since 1951.

-- The Clippers’ franchise player, Danny Manning, is so disenchanted with the current state of affairs that he plans to bolt the team at the peak of his career. Much like Eric Dickerson in 1987 and Nolan Ryan in 1979.

-- The Clippers failed to re-sign popular free-agent Ken Norman during the off-season, so they overpaid ($4 million) to keep Ron Harper. Much like the Angels, who failed to re-sign popular pitcher Jim Abbott during the off-season, so they overpaid ($3 million) to keep Joe Magrane.

-- The Clippers are down to playing Elmore Spencer and Bob Martin at center because the experienced incumbent, Stanley Roberts, blew out his Achilles’ tendon. Much like the Rams, who are down to playing T.J. Rubley at quarterback because the experienced incumbent, Jim Everett, blew out his self-esteem.

-- The Clippers dragged their feet and botched a chance to hire Lenny Wilkens, who is now with Atlanta and the hottest coach in the NBA. Much like the Angels, who stumbled over their feet and botched a chance to retain Bryan Harvey, who is now with Florida and the hottest relief pitcher in baseball.

-- The Clippers went 259-574 in the 1980s, averaged 57 losses per season and were named Ugliest Team of the Decade by National Sports Review magazine, beating out the Seattle Mariners and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Much like the Rams, who are 18-43 in the 1990s, averaging 11 losses per season and in the running for Ugliest NFL Team of the Decade, competing with the New England Patriots, the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Eerie, isn’t it?

The Clippers are an Orange County sports franchise trapped inside the body of an L.A. mailing address.

It’s time they stopped living a lie.

It’s time they got in touch with their true inner soul.

Be six games or 41, it’s time for the Clippers to come on home.