Counting the Days of ’94 With a Few Choice Quotations

The year being well-launched, it is perhaps time for me to take notice of “An Expectation of Days: 1994,” an irreverent calendar prepared by the irrepressible Bob Specht.

Specht used to edit the more dignified RAND Corp. calendar, whose latest edition I have already exploited. I wouldn’t say Specht’s “Expectation” is any less philosophical than RAND, but it is more fun.

To underline his lack of respect for convention, Specht’s calendar has seven pages, rather than the usual 12. He does this by combining months that begin on the same day, for example, January and October, which both begin on Saturday.

I see no point in this except that it saves paper.

To suggest his distrust of serious philosophers, Specht quotes Ambrose Bierce: “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”

Specht expresses his own doubts about the human race in this observation: “In its flyby past the Earth, the spacecraft Galileo detected no clear signs of intelligent life.”

Specht quotes Carl Sagan on human madness: “We are at risk. We do not need alien invaders. We have all by ourselves generated sufficient dangers.”

Also noting humankind’s self-destructive pastimes, he quotes Erasmus (by way of Leo Rosten): “Beasts do not fight collectively. Who has seen 10 lions fight 10 bulls? Yet how often do 20,000 armed Christians fight 20,000 armed Christians?”

Specht quotes Sam Levenson on the value of the rebel spirit: “If the founding fathers of this country had all been well-adjusted, we would still be a British colony.”

Several of Specht’s quotations show his respect for women: “God made man, and then said, ‘I can do better than this,’ and made woman.” (Adela Rogers St. John.)

He quotes a prophetic letter from that unrelenting feminist Abigail Adams to her husband, John Adams, our second President, when he was a member of the First Continental Congress: “Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.”

It is a dubious recommendation that seven of the quotations in “Expectation” are from me. I had forgotten most of them and must assume they are included only in support of Specht’s conviction that philosophers are not to be trusted.

I am pleased to note that Specht has chosen to quote a few of my thoughts in celebration of women. For example, “I don’t think I have ever deliberately written anything anti-feminist except to express my conviction that no woman will ever play third base in major league baseball.”

Another of my thoughts Specht has seen fit to rescue from oblivion is one on domestic harmony: “I do believe in the fair division of chores between husbands and wives. Historically, my wife has prepared dinner while I take care of other chores, such as turning on lights, checking the TV log, and turning on television.”

He quotes me also on the nature of political notoriety: “The century has so far given us no women who have that combination of power, hubris and iniquity found in most men who dominate history.”

Except for the iniquity, the former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher may be said to qualify for that distinction. Specht quotes her as follows: “In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.”

I think I should point out that Specht also quotes me on a subject I know more about than I know about women: “Cats are very much like me. We share the same virtues, being independent, insolent, indolent, intractable, inquisitive, infuriating, morally intemperate and intellectually inaccessible.”

It is curious that Specht has included two examples of a common form of insult meant to disparage one’s intelligence from Paul Dickson’s “Slang: The Topic by Topic Dictionary of Contemporary Lingoes.”

“He’s two cans short of a six-pack.”

“His elevator doesn’t go up to the top floor.”

Specht also quotes me as saying, “In my immobility I have turned to television for company. . . . I asked my wife if she thought I had suffered any brain damage. She said yes.”

What she meant, I think Specht is trying to tell me, is that my elevator doesn’t go to the top floor.